Wolves re-introduced to rural Britain continuing in war on nighthawks.

Several months ago, DD reported on the success of the Russian and British special forces in taking the fight to nighthawks across the country, often using lethal force in order to achieve their objectives. We can happily report that after 3 months of operations, at least 289 nighthawks in the UK have been killed, with an additional 45 permanent maimings and 453 captures of these wretched individuals, although sadly the infamous Doug Knightley is still at large (though gratifyingly missing his swinging arm). However, despite the good work done by our brave boys, the government has decided to implement additional preventative measures designed to keep nighthawks away from protected sites.

DD readers may have recently read of the Russian/South Korean joint attempts by scientists to resurrect the European Cave Lion, which although was claimed to be part of a project to bring back numerous extinct species was actually part of a larger-scale plan to introduce the animal as part of an anti-nighthawking programme on the continent. The UK was originally considering becoming part of this programme, although with the Brexit seemingly inevitable the government simply formed its own initiative based on re-introducing wolves to the country which seemed more logical since they once roamed England in plentiful numbers. Before their extinction in the Medieval period, they played an important role in maintaining the environmental balance of the land, keeping herbivore populations such as deer at bay, and often serving to deter nocturnal outlaws. We believe having wolves back in Britain will restore balance to the countryside once again and also eliminate heritage crime. The humble wolf is conveniently non-extinct and (as we’ve found out) highly susceptible to genetic engineering. We sent DD correspondent Paul McCoil to a nighthawk stakeout session with the new super-animals under close observation, lead by top government scientist Dr Aryu Serius.

‘So Dr Serius, explain what’s happening here.’
‘Well Paul, its very simple. You see, we have the wolves here in their cage, and out in the field are a few of those nasty nighthawks raiding a scheduled roman villa. In a moment we will open their cage and see thee results I am hoping for.’

‘And what are those?’

‘That the nighthawks will be torn apart, obviously! Ah yes, see how the wolves are howling and clawing at their cages, this will certainly be a hunt to remember.’

Unfortunately, at this point Paul’s microphone ceased to work properly, replacing his voice with a strange distant gurgling sound occasionally punctuated by an eerie howl. However, this is of no consequence. Government statistics are already showing a marked reduction in nighthawking reports across the country and the enemy seem to be engaging in that well known tactic of our French brothers ‘being scared utterly shitless’. Despite farmer’s unions being somewhat concerned with the re-introduction of a large and vicious carnivore that has in the past been noted for slaughtering whole herds of sheep, the project has been a complete success. Each of the wolves involved in the reintroduction process has had an inhibitor chip placed into its brain, which allows it only to show aggression towards those clearly involved in illegal metal detecting as well as wild animals rather than domesticated farm-beasts.

A number of more hardline and uncompromising archaeologists have endorsed the programme, and at a recent conference questioned whether the project should not encompass action towards legitimate detectorists as well. However, their controversial comments drew significant attention and we have been reliably informed by our sources that many of these individuals have gone into hiding, their houses having been burned down in many cases by an angry mob of responsible tekkies, who covered themselves in blood and bore placards stating ‘Je ne suis pas Nighthawk’ in protest of their foolish statements. As of yet, we have not been able to track down any of these people.

The introduction of wolves back into the UK has sparked much controversy on all fronts, but we here at DD believe that it will truly help us to maintain the pressures on illegal metal detecting. Combined with the efforts currently being made by the armed forces, this can only result in the degradation of this foul practice. If you spot a nighthawk in a field near you, text 064582 for info on the location of your nearest wolf, who will be dispatched to the scene at once. We recommend small children and those of a nervous disposition stay inside while the wolf is in attendance, as the sight of blood and internal organs is a relative certainty.

Metal Detecting clubs granted stop and search powers.

It has been announced by the national council of metal detecting that organizers at club digs and public rallies have been granted emergency stop and search powers in a controversial move which NCMD board members are stressing is merely a safety precaution for organizers while others are saying it could be an effective way of deterring would be “treasure thieves ”

Whilst most detectorists in clubs declare their treasure items found on the day, a small  minority are long suspected of not doing so, because of this a moderate level of distrust towards detectorists has never been far away from the minds of farmers ,landowners, estate managers, archaeologists, Game keepers, dog walkers, funga-philes, bird watchers, cyclists, scout groups and teachers (and pretty much everyone else who isn’t a detectorist) and it’s been suggested that metal detecting authorities should push clubs into self policing and stepping up security granting them emergency stop and search powers to indiscriminately search dig attendees with use of handheld metal scanners, and if necessary perform a full body strip search including cavity inspection if people are suspected of concealing artefacts constituting as treasure, or weapons.

We were going to send well seasoned journalist Phil Maholin to speak to a Somerset farmer but yet again his wife has the car as she’s away on a bingo weekend in Minehead and Phil’s got to look after the dogs. So instead we sent the ever ready Paul McCoil to interview the farmer from Dunster in Somerset, Mr.Arthur Bale.

(The farmer had an obscure rural western dialect with an impossible accent and he also has a speech impediment, so the transcript below has since been interpreted and modified)

So How do you feel about metal detecting, and do you think these new stop and search powers are necessary?

NOOOPE , not a chance I’ve told you lot before,  go away I’m not interested. We don’t want any metal detecting or scrap metal merchants round ere, I’m operating inside farmwatch,  no thank you and good day.

Sorry Mr Bale i think you misunderstand our intentions. We aren’t here trying to obtain detecting permission, nor are we pikies seeking to purchase your scrap metal at a reduced rate and potentially try and steal something else when you’re not looking. You phoned us to come down for an interview about the new stop and search guidelines.

Oh yes that’s right, the journalists, one can’t be too careful these days. I think it’s a great idea, i had some blokes up ere 5 harvests ago, called themselves the Quantock Antiquity Questers, strange old lot bit funny lookin, didn’t trust any of em. I used to watch em with a set of binoculars through the upstairs window to keep an eye on em, and i kid you not i saw some unspeakable things out there. I saw one bloke Poo in a hole, drop a big coin it, covered it up, and left it for the next unsuspecting detectorist to dig up. I watched as a middle aged woman came along and dug it back up, she got covered in shit from finger to face, poor dear threw herself  in a cattle trough before making a hasty retreat home in tears. I also watched in horror as a very friendly old man who I’d met out in the field on a previous visit to the farm, turned out to be nothing than a sneaky old fox as i watched him on a couple of occasions stuffing objects of gold and silver into his wellington boots. The old man caught a glimpse of me spying on him and by the time i got outside to confront him , he sprinted back to his 4×4 and fled the scene in a hurry. I then banned the club and have been repelling door knocks and phone calls ever since. If this scanny wotsip was around back then none of this would have happened. Myself, the wife and some of the boys from other farms round ere might consider allowing detecting clubs on again if we see that a stop and search is carried out on every detectorist as they leave the farm. Now, off you go then, I’m a busy man thanks for coming cheerio.

The DD doesn’t agree with the new stop and search powers and believe trust is the key to to future relations with land owners, however some detecting  and archaeological bodies have even gone as far as to suggest that detecting rallies should have full size scanners similar to airport security in affect by 2020.

 

 

“Romans were in North Korea” Claims Kim Jong Ung

The Communist leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Ung, has announced in international publications last Wednesday that he believes the Roman empire extended as far east as the Hamgyong mountains in North Korea. He made the claims following his own recent discovery of a 2nd century Roman coin in a field using a metal detector. We Sent Paul McCoil to attend a skype interview with Mr. Jong Ung.

‘So why do you believe the Romans were in North Korea Kim ?

‘I find Roman coin with metal detector in North Korea. This proves beyond any doubt that they were here. I am in charge of all important archaeology choices in my country, and I have to agree with my self that the Roman empire stretched as far east as North Korea, although I am certain they never stepped foot in South Korea , why they want go there eh? hahahahahah.

Yes, of course. Western reports of the ‘Unicorn lair’ were somewhat more honest I think….but moving on, how did you get into metal detecting ?

‘I start by watching  Engrish detecting videos on Youtube..  I like Digger Dawn, Hammy Sammy, Time diggers and deep digger Dan, but it must be said Steven from ‘Man in Hat’ is my biggest inspiration and my favourite show, he is such a crazy guy. I buy hat just like him and now feel like perhaps i can start to be accepted by other cultures. Every day I sing his little theme song to myself while in bath and sometimes on workout playlists. His wombling tips also very useful, so I decide to import Asda to North Korea just so I can pick up all the receipts myself. After watching all man in the hat videos three times, I decided to buy Xp Deus and try metal detecting in my homeland and after 1 week I found my first Roman coin, I also found legendary North Korean Unicorn lair, but that was before I bought my detector. Now I go back there next week to find hidden treasures of my ancestors, but will probably put evidence of illegal missile tests into scrap bin along with irradiated Plutonium from Nuclear bombs I test on Tuesday. Pesky UN would have a field day with that if they found out, haha!’

‘And what do you intend to do with your finds?’

‘Well, Romans in North Korea obviously defeated by my brave countrymen. I will put in museum enormous statue of myself holding the coin, symbolising my ancestor’s victory over the ‘civilised’ west. I may even set up version of PAS, but only recording North Korean finds, all finds of South Korean or other origin will be sent in for destruction on pain of death. I have had lots of Chinese gold coins recently melted down to make new bidet for me and wife. Very stylish.’

At this point, our Skype interview cut out for about 5 minutes. When it came back online, both Paul McCoil and Kim had disappeared offscreen. In their place was a very shouty Korean man in military uniform, who yelled at us before turning the computer off. We’re not betting men, but we’re currently of the opinion that Mr McCoil has been kidnapped by the North Koreans and currently is probably being pumped for information about the West’s military secrets, a fact his wife ensures us he is clueless about. We will bring you more updates on this story as we get them, though are currently trying to persuade our newly arrived Korean intern Som Ting Wong to go out there and secure Paul’s release. So far, our efforts have been in vain.

Minelab flees Ireland following leprechaun goldpot scandal

It is a sad day for detectorists the world over as leading metal detector manufacturer Minelab reportedly closed down their headquarters in Ireland this week and ceased all operations pertaining to repair and production. The official company stance and reasons behind the closure has not been revealed yet, although Facebook groups are now rife with uncertainty, mass-panic and speculation about the whys and wherefores of the company’s regional closure, mainly centring around the concern of where UK Minelab users will now get their machines repaired.

French Detectorist and devout XP enthusiast Didier De Bepe caused a stir on social media last night when he tweeted controversial accusations against the Irish Government which suggested they had forced Minelab to relocate the factory complex due to surplus CTX’s piling up in coastal warehouses, the weight of which was causing Ireland to slowly sink into the sea and exacerbating the risk from erosion and rising sea levels already being caused by global warming. His views were quickly rubbished by saner members of the detecting community who pointed out that even a CTX wouldn’t cause a landmass so buoyant as Ireland to sink, but the damage had already been done and this misinformation still continues to travel around the globe at a rate of knots.

A meeting this afternoon between various DD reporters and other detecting news agencies have come to our own conclusion that the recent potato shortage in Ireland could be at the heart of the matter.

An insider from the ex-offices of the company told us that Minelab are always experimenting with different power sources for their machines, also suggesting that a certain factory in the Minelab complex produces potato bio-fuel batteries. When we pressed further, our source admitted that he himself had been part of a secret Minelab project sponsored in part by an anonymous North Korean donor whereby Irish potatoes were directly irradiated using spent nuclear fuel rods and then hidden inside the compartment of various Minelab models such as the Quattro, Sovereign and Safari to act as eternal batteries using nuclear fission to provide power. In all of these instances, he claims, the company provided fake battery compartments to make it seem (to the uneducated eye) that the machine functioned on normal power. The reason for utilising fission-powered potatoes, he argued, was to bring costs down. In a surveillance video we secretly filmed of Minelab Ireland’s headquarters, dozens of articulated lorries were seen delivering potatoes in extraordinary amounts, along with men in white coats and strange looking industrial laboratory equipment. We believe Minelab have stationed themselves in Ireland to corner the potato industry at the expense of leaving the Irish without something as important to their every day life as a coconut is to a man living on a desert island.

Celtic Affairs diplomat Paul McCoil (reporting live from Ireland) details in his latest report the anger that a number of local fringe groups and residents of the shamrock isle have displayed in the knowledge that Minelab have so suddenly upped sticks. Pagan groups such as ‘The Witches voice’ and ‘The Pagan Federation’ among many others, are rioting through the streets of cities from Dublin to Cork looking for Minelab employees and associates, lead in their search by a mysterious woman who named herself only as ‘Lady Moonstone III’. From information visible on banners carried at the torch-lit protests, it appears the demonstrators believe a bigger conspiracy is afoot. Mr McCoil has interviewed Lady Moonstone III for her views, the transcript of which is outlined below;

So, what is all the fuss about, Mrs Moonstone?

That’s LADY Moonstone to you, non-believer. Minelab aren’t pulling the wool over our eyes with this emergency exit back to the safety of Australia. We know they are stationed in Ireland to act as middlemen for the illegal exportation of leprechaun hoards dug up by nighthawks and then sold on to various rich buyers the world over. It’s been the duty of the pagan worshippers such as myself for over a millenia to safeguard the secrets of the leprechauns and the pots of gold that they left behind. The truth is, leprechauns were just small ginger Celtic children sent off into the hills and wilds to bury pots full of gold staters when a false alarm countrywide settlement evacuation occurred because the Irish believed the Romans were invading via ships which set sail from Anglesey, which ironically turned out to be a few of the Carausian fleet out for a joy-ride. Thus the legend of leprechauns was concealed, a disguise to keep the secret of the lost buried staters safe. But we here at the pagan federation of Ireland believe Minelab have finally cracked the puzzles and abstract maps from depictions carved into rocks on the small island of Inishtrahull off the north coast of Donegal, and looted said hoards before flogging them on Ebay for vast quantities of cash. This, we think, explains adequately their abrupt exit from the country.

Mr McCoil was unfortunately forced to hand over the next part of his transcript to a large gang of pagan thugs who objected to his line of enquiry into the accusations that Lady Moonstone III was in fact wanted by the police forces of 19 countries for the smuggling of magic mushrooms and golden Iron Age torcs as well as a previous conviction in 1997 of accidental homicide whereby her ex-husband was burned alive in a wicker man as a human sacrifice to Toutatis.

It appears that there are multiple agendas at play in the issue of Minelab’s retreat from Ireland, made all the more suspicious by the refusal of multiple Minelab spokespersons to talk to our reporters. We at DD can only speculate as to the true reasons for Minelab’s exit from Ireland, although it would appear that both the detector company and the pagan groups fighting against the company both have numerous skeletons in their mutual cupboards. Only the future will give us answers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ancient Egyptian metal detecting cat is a ‘purrfect’ treasure!

A man from Houston, Texas has allegedly claimed he owns a cat trained to sniff out gold jewellery, relics and coins, and his feline companion has been so effective that now he only takes his metal detector out as a back up in case his furry friend decides to take a nap in the shade, or enjoy a nice bowl of milk.

Obviously this has aroused the interest of several detectorist groups in the U.S, and one of them has paid for a blood sample to be taken and a DNA profiling to be carried out, and it appears that genetically, the cat appears to be more closely related to ancient north African stock than to it’s modern contemporaries in the Americas. According to experts in the field, some of its DNA seems to bear remarkable similarities to cat DNA taken from mummified specimens found in ancient Egyptian tombs. Now pseudoscience groups in Texas are demanding to examine the cat, claiming that if it shows signs of North African ancestry, then it possibly strengthens a theory proposed by certain fringe archaeologists that ancient civilisations in the South Americas somehow had direct contact with the ancient Egyptians.

The man claims to have aquired the talented animal two years ago after the death of a neighbour, apparently a very old Mexican man who’d lived down the road for years. The new owner was actually present for the old mans final moments. Here he takes up the story.

‘The old guy had lived there in his little bungalow with his cat for as long as I can remember, he must have retired there years ago, and I started talking to him because I’d see him with a metal detector occassionally. We talked, but he never invited me to go out with him, and never expressed any interest in coming out with me. I used to take his paper and milk in to him some mornings. I never asked what he used to do, but I often wondered, he never seemed to be short of anything, he lived pretty well.
The day I found him literally on his deathbed, all he seemed be worried about was his beloved cat. He told me that cat was special, not like other cats. He said he’d owned the cat’s mother for years before him, and her mother before that, and said he got her as a kitten from an old Peruvian guy years ago, and smuggled her across the U.S border with him. He said that cat had always looked after him, and now he was begging me to take the animal and care for it. He promised me that if I looked after that cat, that cat would look after me.
We simply couldn’t pronounce the strange name the old guy had given him, so we called him Tiddles, and right from the start my wife and I noticed that he wasn’t at all interested in cat toys, but was thoroughly fascinated by her gold charm bracelet, always obsessively pawing at it and playing with the charms as he sat on my wifes lap. One day my wife lost her valuable wedding ring in long grass while gardening. We searched for a while with no success, so obviously I went to get the old metal detector. I needn’t have bothered, by the time I got back Tiddles had arrived and was digging about in the long grass. In a few seconds he came up looking very pleased with himself, clasping the lost ring tightly in his teeth.
It wasn’t long after that that I was doing a bit of casual detecting a couple of fields away from the house, when who should show up and start sniffing around but Tiddles. When he suddenly looked all excited and started digging with his paws, I thought he was going to take a poop. But he just kept on digging, and I thought: ‘Well either he’s got one hell of a big poop in mind, or there’s something down there bothering him’, so I waved the detector over it and bingo. So I took over with the spade, and it took no more than about two minutes digging before I unearthed a solid gold brooch that must have been lost there over a hundred years ago. I don’t know about any of this ancient Egypt stuff, to us he’s just our Tiddles. Now I never go detecting without him, and I’m…sorry… we’re, doing just great.’

We wanted to get a more knowledgable and balanced view on the matter, and DD is proud to anounce that none other than leading amateur pseudo-archaeologist and best-selling writer Graham Hancock has agreed to give Paul McCoil his view on the matter

PM. So Mr Hancock, you’ve read the stuff we sent you, what’s your take on this?

GH. Well as you probably know, for years now, along with respected figures such as Thor Heyerdal, I’ve been saying that obvious cultural similarities between the ancient Egyptians and some ancient South American civilisations are clear indications that the two cultures could have engaged in some kind of maritime trading activities in the distant past. That both cultures built pyramids and almost identical papyrus boats, and used calendars and many other complex technologies is more than enough to suggest that they may well have communicated somehow, even in ancient times.
As I’ve said in many of my best selling books, available in all good book stores, I believe that culture and technology may go back much further than mainstream scientists allow. There may have been highly advanced ancient civilisations whose cities could have been destroyed by floods, earthquakes and other cataclysmic events that were possibly caused by a comet that might have hit the Earth in about 12800BC.

PM. A bit like Atlantis you mean?

GH. No, I did not say Atlantis, did I say Atlantis? No you said Atlantis, I never mentioned it. Ancient cities I said, or something resembling or vaguely alluding to that. And in the light of recent discoveries off the coast of Japan, and at sites such as Gobleki Tepe, isn’t it about time for all the mainstream scientists, archaeologists, Egyptologists and everyone else to just shut up and start listening to me, and to admit that I was right all along, and accept that I deserve every penny of all the money I’ve made out of my best selling books?

PM. Sorry, let’s stick to the cat then shall we? Where do you think this alleged metal detecting cat fits in?

GH. Well, as I’ve said many times in my best selling books, I believe it may have been the survivors of these proposed advanced ancient civilisations that could have taught the ancient Egyptians and others how to build pyramids, and passed on other skills such as farming and writing to keep civilisation alive after the cataclysm. And for all anyone knows about these survivors, they may have been very keen detectorists, but were no longer able to build the advanced electronic machines that they may possibly have possessed before their advanced civilisation was destroyed. They may also have possessed animal breeding and training skills that we can still only dream of, and it’s well known that the Egyptians worshipped cats, so there would have been a ready supply of healthy specimens right to hand. They may have been able to produce specially bred cats and train them to use their natural senses and instincts to detect metal objects buried underground, perhaps even using powerful psycho-active drugs to enhance those senses.
Since other survivors of the ancient civilisations would more than likely be teaching the people in the Americas how to build pyramids, boats, tools and other acoutrements of civilisation, there’s every reason to speculate that they were communicating with each other, even across the vastness of the Atlantic ocean. If they really did have these selectively bred and highly trained animals, they would obviously have been immensely valuable anywhere, and may well have been widely traded for other luxury items of the day. So it’s hypothetically possible that they were taken to South America, and once there, let’s face it, animals always escape, and there could well be every reason to theoretically suppose that there might be an indigenous population of these cats still living somewhere, perhaps in some remote part of the Andes, and still, hypothetically, retaining the vestiges of their inbred detecting instincts, which would probably make them very easy to train. OK, I’m not an expert on cats, but hey, I’m not really an expert on anything, and if anyone thinks they can actually one hundred per cent prove that something like this didn’t happen, then I’d like to hear from them, if not; well I think perhaps I can feel another best seller coming on, how about, ‘Pussies of the Gods?’ O.k, working title only, let me think

PM. Thank you very much Mr. Hancock.

GH. You’re welcome. Do I get the cheque now? Because if I have to wait long I must warn you my accountants will impose interest charges.

Mr Hancock’s theory has spurred various groups to try and find this indigenous population of cats hiding out in the Andes, but so far none have had any success in locating the elusive beasts. The owner of the Texas cat has been inundated with letters and pleas to sell the animal or at least to allow breeding rights, and he is currently considering offers.

As we’ve recently managed to coax veteran reporter Phil Maholin out of his blissfull retirement, we thought we’d better find out what his views were on this matter. Phil couldn’t get into the office as his wife had the car, so here we post the email he sent us outlining his always fascinating, if often slightly acerbic insights.

Metal detecting cat? Are you serious. I thought this must be the edition for April 1st. Is this what the bloody matriarch has forced me out of retirement for? God I hate cats anyway, really, I detest the filthy things. So Graham bloody Hancock gave you an interview did he? Oh I bet he did. I bet he’s getting more than I am for it too, DD’s veteran reporter. Why don’t you find that guy that wrote the book about everything being down to aliens and interview him, what’s his name? Hang on google’s nearly there. Erik von Danniken, Chariots of the Gods. Another bloody charlatan that made a fortune while good, hard working, honest, decent and highly principled journalists struggled to make a living in hard times. Why don’t you dig up Mystic Meg and see what she thinks about it, or get David Icke’s opinion, I bet they’d both get paid more than I do for it too. O.K. (sigh) I’ll see what I can do. What’s the minimum words I can get away with here to get the cheque? I don’t want to waste any more time on it than strictly necessary.

*Ok Carol, here it is, sorry it’s a little late. Obviously do make sure this sarcastic little note I’ve attached to the email for our esteemed editor to peruse doesn’t get posted along with the article won’t you darling. Just saying, sillier things have happened at the DD.  Phil. xx.

Well I have to say I was a little skeptical when reports first reached me concerning a metal detecting cat, in America, where else! Now having been informed that no less a figure than esteemed pseudo scientist and modern day shamanist Graham Hancock has, not only deemed the matter worthy of his attention, but has also taken the time and trouble, (and the money), to contribute a well thought out and highly plausible hypothesis to the Daily Detectorist’s report. I can’t begin to tell you how flattered, if not humbled, I am, to think that anyone imagines a lowly hack such as yours truly might have anything more to add.
Cats though eh? You’d have to have a heart of stone not to melt at the sight of a cute, wide eyed and fluffy little kitten wouldn’t you? Who doesn’t love the furry little darlings? Well probably not the ancient Zoroastrians, as they were unequivocally ‘dog people’, somewhat like myself if I’m honest, (although if this metal detecting cat story turns out to be true, that could quickly change). The Zoroastrians lived in ancient Persia, now Iran, and unlike the ancient Egyptians, they religiously venerated dogs, in fact, it was demanded that some of their most important religious rites and ceremonies had to actually be ‘witnessed’ by a dog!

Now because, for reasons best known to themselves, the Egyptians worshipped cats, they were allowed to breed unchecked in Egypt for centuries, and after the collapse of Egyptian civilization, feral cats quickly spread out from Egypt. By the end of the fourth century A.D (or C.E if you prefer) they’d made it across the Red sea and into what are now Iraq and Iran, where they became so numerous, especially in Iran, Persia as it was then, that they were actually becoming a pest, to the extent that the Zoroastrians came to regard them as vermin. It is speculated by some historians that a mutual dislike of cats may even have been the origin of the Zoroastrians reverence for man’s best friend.
Eventually, cats became such a plague to the Zoroastrians that they even began to invent small, easily portable weapons they could grab and load quickly to help their canine companions discourage cats from their gardens. The verb ‘ pelt’ as in ‘to pelt with missiles ’, comes from a corruption of the ancient Persian word ‘pulte’ as used in the Zoroastrian, ‘pulte kattus’, the name they gave to one of their favourite small weapons, literally, ‘to pelt a cat’, from which we get the word ‘catapult’, our modern name for a weapon invented centuries ago by the ancient Persians.
The Zoroastrian civilisation lasted intil the mid seventh century, when the Muslims invaded and the survivors of the population were forcibly converted to Islam, their shrines were destroyed and replaced with mosques, their children were forced to go to Islamic schools and learn Arabic, and Muslims allegedly took great delight in deliberately ill treating the revered animals. Persia eventually became the now entirely Islamic state of Iran. So it’s quite possible that this cats genetic line could have originated anywhere in the middle east, and well after the Egyptians had gone the way of all flesh. See Hancock, I can do a bit of ‘speculative history’ too.
To get back to the cat in question, to be entirely one hundred per -cent honest, any good detective ought to be familiar with the old adage, ‘follow the money’, and I bet Mr. Hancock knows all about that! So call me an old cynic, but I have to admit that I still remain rather unconvinced by this. People are apparently already offering to buy the cat, or just purchase breeding rights. Nobody could possibly have seen that coming could they?! All I can say is ‘God bless America’. PM.

Thanks Phil. Your  e-cheque is still pending, it’s in that email thingy ma bobba. Also please bear in mind all DD salaries will now be arriving via digital bank payments all of which requiring email confirmation.

Enquiries with the cat are ongoing and the DD will be keeping readers well informed on the matter.

 

 

 

Russian special forces aid in UK fight against nighthawking

Following on from a pivotal study by the University of Bristol last year, the extent of nighthawking as a problem in the UK has been truly revealed, especially when pertaining to illegal activity on scheduled monuments. However, DD has come together with Russian detecting reporters to bring you exclusive news on a revelation that has dealt a crippling blow to nighthawkers and their illegal activities over the past few months. It has become known to us that Vladimir Putin, he himself a staunch supporter of cultural heritage preservation, has sent over an elite Spetznaz regiment of soldiers to aid in the UK struggle against nighthawks. They are at this very moment actively combating the threat of nighthawking and taking the fight to the enemy. We sent Heritage crime reporter Robin Fields to speak to a custodian of a scheduled Romano-British enclosure in Wiltshire, for her side of the story.

‘Well, it’s quite incredible really. We used to be plagued with nighthawks every night, who would just turn up and plunder the site indiscriminately. The police used to take too long to arrive, so I was at my wits end, as they would simply run away into the woods when they saw the car coming down the lane. However, then I heard about what Mr Putin was doing, and deciding that the Russian special forces would probably be better to handle the situation than me, I gave the hotline a call! Anyway, a platoon of nice men arrived about 6 hours later and set up in the ditch that runs around the site with a couple of light machine guns and a 3 inch mortar, as well as their personal assault rifles and a few RPGs thrown in for good measure. At about 2am, two pickup trucks filled with about 10-12 nighthawks arrived expecting a spot of looting, which the Russians promptly engaged with all force. There wasn’t much left by morning, the Russians piled the various detector bits and body parts inside what was left of the two trucks and burnt the lot. I haven’t seen any nighthawks since, so that’s what I call an appropriate response!’

This report mirrors those of hundreds of other custodians around the UK who have received assistance from the Russian special forces in their daily battle against heritage crime. In instances where physical attendance has been difficult, soldiers have often deployed sentry drones and automated movement-activated turret systems in order to bushwhack unsuspecting nighthawks. Some of the more problematic sites have even been laid with anti-personnel mines in order to deter would be pillagers. The efforts of Russian soldiers in the UK have been an inspiring example to our own troops, and elements of our own special forces are reportedly undergoing anti heritage-crime training. Captain John Price of the 1st battalion SAS gave the following comment regarding successful anti-nighthawking operations in Hampshire;

‘We have engaged the enemy on numerous occasions and inflicted heavy casualties on nighthawks. One particular operation resulted in the maiming of the infamous Doug Knightley, who lost his swinging arm to several direct hits from a Jackal-mounted machine gun. We were able to identify Mr Knightley as being the owner of the arm from pornographic tattoos detailing his various sexual conquests, as well as his predominantly chimpanzee DNA. Sadly though, we believe him to still be at large, as his body was not found alongside the detached arm and detector. If Mr Knightley would like to collect his arm and the chavvy jewellery that went with it, as well as his rather shot-up XP Goldmaxx, then he is most welcome to file a lost property application at any police station in the Hampshire area’.

Although the joint Russian and SAS operations against nighthawks are continuing with success, some are concerned that their victories might bring about a certain trigger-happiness. Complaints from the covert Sussex based dogging club ‘Southern Swingers’ have reached the ears of DD reporters, with a number of members reporting that one of their weekly meetings near Chichester was disturbed by a Spetznaz squad who cuffed them, stripped them naked and made them kneel on the ground with bags on their heads at gunpoint for 45 minutes while the police tried to explain on the phone to the overly-keen non-english speaking Russians that they had in fact caught a completely different sort of criminal hardly worthy of shooting.

Hoard of celtic ring money turned out to be remains of victorian Curtain factory

A French man living in Wiltshire has been admitted to hospital following a failed suicide attempt as a result of discovering his suspected hoard of Celtic ring money turned out to be nothing more than remains of a Victorian curtain ring factory.

Mr Didier De Bepe a 12 year resident in Swindon, was admitted to the Great western hospital at around 3pm on Sunday with life threatening injuries to the neck and respiratory problems after attempting to decapitate himself with a sharpened spade, and attaching himself to a Minelab CTX 3030 before launching himself into the Kennet and Avon canal. The attempt to drown himself was foiled when a passing dogwalker saved Mr.De Bepe and cut him free from the cumbersome CTX which was later recovered by a heavy duty crane. The police are currently looking for the dog walker and have issued a warrant for his arrest, he is likely to appear at crown court charged with possession of carrying a pen knife.

Relatives of Mr.De Bepe informed our news team that Didier had left a suicide note (which we thought not appropriate to publish ), and it confirms he had decided to take his own life when his suspected hoard of ring money which he obtained at a recent Trowbridge and district metal detecting club event, turned out to be remains of a Victorian curtain ring factory. Mr.De Bepe had posted a picture of the suspected treasure trove on facebook group ‘Metal detecting founds’ minutes after the discovery was made and was identified as “Might be ring money” by owner Brian Sluice.

Witnesses present on the dig reported that Mr. De Bepe after spending a good few minutes sitting on the floor starring at his phone, started to leap around like a mad man, screaming and cheering before bursting into tears and breaking down into an emotional overload. Unbeknownst to the finder, a fellow club member Randy Holdbrook, was already rolling on the field laughing, calling Mr.De Bepe a “Deus fairy wand waving French twat” , and that he was a complete and utter fool for believing his 20th century curtain ring haul could be Celtic ring money, Sadly the Frenchman didn’t take kindly to the news and refused to believe Mr Holdbrook until several more detectorists agreed it was not Ring money.

Mr.De Bepe is still in a self-induced Koma and will remain under medical supervision until doctors feel he’s emotionally strong enough to come to terms with his misfortune, however the DD has discovered this case of mis-identified Celtic Ring money is not an isolated one, we sent Jeroffe Moyland to speak with Iron age expert, television’s Francis Pryor:

‘For years, those cheeky rascals in the detecting community have both intentionally and unintentionally subscribed to the idea of ‘Celtic Ring Money’, they do it on a daily basis on all those ruddy facebook detecting groups, everyone’s an expert. Some have used it mearly as a blanket term to hide behind when they are unsure about the exact nature of their roughly ring-shaped object, others have used the term illicitly and are now flogging the blasted things for 50p a pop on Ebay. Fact is, most of the ‘Ring Money’ detectorists find is actually just old harness rings and other round objects , but not all of them. I have a different theory on so-called Celtic ring money. Due to the fact that many of the said objects have turned up in Iron Age graves, on the continent and in the context of being located in the groin regions of male burials, and scientists have found traces of pre-Roman semen on multiple examples,  this has now lead me to believe that many of these copper-alloy and gold rings were utilised in the role of a penis ring, worn by Iron Age men in order to show off their sexual prowess. A single sexual conquest was likely represented by one copper-alloy ring, and if you managed to engage in sexual congress with an iron age war maiden and last more then 2 minutes, you would win the rights to a gold one. We have an account from Tacitus which supports the frequent occurrence of what the Iron Age people called ‘ifrosaticux’, which literally translates as ‘tearing of the soft parts’. If a man failed to ejaculate, a woman had the right to tear off his string of rings, the lack of which would show him to be a failure and shameful in the eyes of the tribe.’

The DD fully backs Francis’s theory and we recommend ring money now be referred to as Celtic Cock rings.