One dead and twelve injured in failed metal detector unvailing stunts.

At the well-publicised ‘Detectival’ in September of 2017, the Minelab Equinox was announced and duly arrived, delivered from the sky by an intrepid skydiver who accurately landed in the middle of the main arena, handing the detector over to representatives of Minelab whilst accompanied by thunderous applause.

Unfortunately, since then, The Daily Detectorist now exclusively reveals that at least one death and twelve injuries of varying degrees of seriousness have been caused by other detecting companies attempting their own big reveals.

Only last month detector distributor Gerald Rashford attempted to release a new pin pointer model by skydiver in a copycat style to Detectival, though unfortunately a freak gust of wind blew the man into a working woodchipper, with some sources saying he was instantaneously turned into a thick red mist, while others believe the man was killed slowly, according to several eye witnesses who claimed they could hear horrific screaming and “crunchy” grinding noises lasting for about 25 minutes coming from a field next door to the rally.  The organiser and company promoter responsible for the event were arrested by police and subsequently bailed pending trial.

Elsewhere a company which we can’t name for legal reasons, attempted to reveal their latest range of detectors by means of having them delivered to a rally by a re-enacting Medieval knight on horseback. Unfortunately, the rider had failed to note the fact that his steed was particularly horny that day due to the presence of a field of brood mares adjacent to the rally, and having been suddenly thrown from his mount was the subject of a rather frantic and vicious bumming by the stallion. Escaping with a partially torn rectum and severe lacerations to his back, he still remains in hospital- with sources close to his family suggesting that he will sue for negligence.

Terry Bunt’s ‘Detectingthings’ has also come under close scrutiny when a man from Queensland received life threatening injuries as a result of a near-fatal great white shark attack just off the great barrier reef in Australia, after being encouraged to produce an underwater video to promote the latest model of snorkelling detector. The Youtuber who was bitten in two, is said to be in a critical yet stable condition and doctors promised to keep the DD informed of any changes.

Other injuries caused by detecting promotions gone wrong include five individuals who were badly burned at a Lets Go Detecting rally when an illegally modified firework designed to scatter prize tokens over a field prematurely exploded, elsewhere two female topless models were mowed down and maimed by a bull while producing a metal detecting themed nude calendar, and finally in America three members of the US based ‘Red’s Tektin’ company were shot by an over-zealous landowner after being mistaken for illegal Mexican immigrants.

The DD advises that people take extra caution out there in these crazy times, and urges them not to attempt publicity stunts unless working closely with trained professionals.

 

Upstart detectorist delighted about finding a horseshoe.

Never was the saying “one man’s rubbish is another man’s treasure” more apparent than in the hobby of metal detecting, especially when considering cases such as that of Green horn detectorist Dianne Tanner. Dianne aged 32 from Cheltenham in Gloucestershire has only recently joined the hobby having only been on five detecting trips so far but despite her lack of experience and knowledge, is said to have become overzealous in her quest to associate the horse shoe with a major historical event and has even gone so far as to boast about the find all over social media.

To Dianne’s dismay she has been met with fierce resistance and mockery surrounding the importance of the horse shoe but despite suggestions made by other detectorists, she proceeded to contact her FLO and the local press with claims of a potentially important Horse shoe which ‘might bear some regional or perhaps even global significance’ We sent DD’s hot-shot Scottish reporter Paul McCoil to Gloucestershire to speak with Mrs.Tanner

PM:  Hi Dianne, so obviously you’re thrilled to bits with finding your first horse shoe, would you care to elaborate on what you deem so important about this item?

DT: Well Paul as we all know Cheltenham is a very historically rich area and many an important horse has galloped through here over the years from ancient times to present day. William the conqueror was known to hold several meetings in the area prior to the Norman conquest and according to a website blog I stumbled across Queen Boudicca of the Iceni tribe herself may even be buried in the area.

PM:  Sounds a little speculative to me Dianne, was the website a reliable source? You can’t go believing any old tripe you read on the internet these days.

DT: Yes I read about it in one of those online metal detecting news sources, and quite frankly you’re starting to sound like that FLO, I don’t appreciate your tone one bit. As far as I’m concerned we have every reason to believe that this Horse shoe could have belonged to Boudicca’s horse, can you prove it didn’t? We just don’t know unless these things are looked into properly, my FLO barely even glanced at the horse shoe and just shrugged it off as ‘almost certainly 20th century’ I say it’s horse manure, my second cousin is an archaeologist and we are generally quite knowledgeable of such things in my family, and it definitely looks alot older to me.

PM: If you say so Dianne, how many hammered’s have you found so far?

DT:  Well only one so far, but not too bad considering I’ve only been detecting for a few weeks, I think it could have possibly been a blacksmith’s hammer, I’ve been told it mainly consists of an iron composition and the wooden handle has since perished away.

At this point the usually unruffled reporter Paul McCoil stormed out of the interview and later defended his actions via email, the transcript of which is listed below:

Apologies for my outburst earlier but this stupid self-righteous middle-class bitch didn’t even know what a hammered coin is. Are we really that desperate that we need to run articles about folks that don’t know a jetton from a button? If you want to publish these kind of speculative bull-shit stories send someone else along, what about Justin Fields, or Phil Maholin? he gets paid double my salary and sits around on his arse doing nothing most of the time. Cheers, Paul McCoil.

The Daily Detectorist concludes that it’s perfectly normal to feel the excitement which the hobby brings to newcomers from finding that first horseshoe, button or worn Georgian coin, but we urge new detectorists to heed advice of all the experts at hand, particularly the endless amounts which can be found in metal detecting groups on Facebook.

‘Metal detecting for the many not just the few’ Jeremy Corbyn announces Labour policy

Daily Detectorist Election Special Part 1

With Phil Maholin: Digging out the news that they want to bury

While The Daily Detectorist is entirely impartial and at all times maintains a balanced and unbiased attitude to politics; with the election looming we considered it nothing less than our duty to keep our readers apprised of any issues relating to their beloved hobby that any party may be planning to look at. Now, in a secretive and in-depth probe lasting several long lunchtimes, crack undercover DD investigative journalist Phil Maholin has unearthed alleged rumours thought to be circulating among some political pundits described as, ‘quite close to certain backroom figures said to be associated with colleagues of people who know friends of Labour Party insiders’, to the effect that Labour leader and well known terrorist sympathiser Jeremy Corbyn may soon announce plans to re-examine the current state of U.K law regarding metal detecting and artefact recovery, in the highly unlikely event that Labour wins the election.

In a series of clandestine rendezvous at a run down Westminster drinking club, said to have once been popular with MPs and party officials, a shadowy unnamed source informed the star DD reporter that: ‘Key issues on the agenda may in all likelihood involve looking into potentially controversial areas such as the redistribution of land permissions to the general public, and taxing the often ‘evasive’ commercial metal detecting clubs and individuals’.  Marxist/Stalinist and self confessed Fidel Castro admirer Corbyn is thought to believe that ‘metal detecting should be for the many not just the few’, and is said to possibly be concerned that vast tracts of land including royal estates are occupied by lone detectorists with sole permission covering thousands of acres, and may think that this situation simply isn’t fair, and should probably change.

The anonymous source also hinted that the fiercely pro-immigration Labour leader tasked shadow home secretary Diane Abbott with looking into the maths involved, and apparently found that the figures ‘just don’t add up’. Now it is alleged that Corbyn may be suggesting that metal detecting clubs should handle the hobby regionally and all events should be open to the general public, including minorities, foreigners and, controversially, even people entering the country illegally from outside the EU: ‘In countries like Syria and Iraq, and some African countries, islamist groups and hard line followers of the religion of peace such as ISIS and Al Shabab, have sold or destroyed all their priceless antiquities and shamelessly robbed and vandalised their cultural history in the name of Allah, leaving the regions’ metal detectorists in a seriously deprived state, and it’s up to us in the west to help them.’ Is what it is thought to have been suggested that the passionately islamophillic hard left Labour supremo may believe on the matter.

There is also said to be intense speculation that Ms. Abbott might have been overheard at a private function possibly stating off the record that:  ‘It is heartless and racist to seek to deny people from underdeveloped countries in Africa and the middle east their basic human right to come to the U.K to detect and dig up British antiquities and take them home, and no one but a xenophobic, racist, facist, alt-right, white supremacist islamophobic and probably sexist nazi could possibly be against it.’  It is also thought that Ms. Abbott may well have added at some point later the same evening:  ‘The children of people so poor that they can barely scrape together the thousands of pounds necessary to pay people traffickers to smuggle them to Britain and help them enter the country illegally, buy a reliable 4×4, a state of the art metal detector, a pro-pointer and all the other expensive detecting paraphernalia, may well starve if they aren’t allowed to take British treasures home and sell them to feed their families, after all, it’s very likely that only a tiny fraction of priceless British antiquities and irreplaceable cultural history may be lost in this way, probably costing the country just a few hundred pounds annually, or possibly a couple of million, but almost certainly no more than maybe fifty to sixty, or perhaps about eighty billion pounds a year, and anyway, it’s not as if the white British haven’t rampaged around the world for centuries plundering everyone else’s treasure is it? So really it’s only fair.’

British detectorists are of course likely to be furious at the plans, and bitter accusations of promoting so called ‘detectourism’ are bound to be levelled at Godless atheist jam maker Corbyn and the Labour party, but in stark contrast, in an exclusive interview for The Daily Detectorist, unelected prime minister with no mandate from the masses Teresa May, told ace DD political reporter Phil Maholin that the conservative party had no plans to freely open up British privately owned land to foreign ‘detectourists’ saying:  “The British aristocracy and the royal family aren’t exactly famous for their alacrity when it comes to giving anything away are they, wealth or privilege, and if we wanted to go handing over our precious British antiquities to random foreigners we would have given back the Elgin marbles, the Koh-i-noor diamond and at least half the contents of the British museum years ago wouldn’t we?”

There you have it, many thanks to the ever intrepid Phil for his diligent, and possibly dangerous hard work in that clearly lugubrious drinking club, from the look of the expenses sheet, it must have been hell for both of you. Clearly a lot of high quality seventy percent proof emotional support was necessary to get through that one, you’re a martyr Phil, thanks.

Now detectorists, you know what Labour may have in store for you in the obviously ludicrously unlikely event that they win the election, and in the second of our two part Daily Detectorist Election special coming soon, we examine in detail, the deepest, darkest, metal detecting related recesses of the Conservative Party Manifesto on your behalf detectorists, so you don’t have to.

Sussex police granted extra funding to combat Heritage Crime.

Following on from our story last year on the issue of day hawkers in Dorset, it appears that the problem is spreading eastwards across the country being made apparent by reports that Sussex police have been granted an “absolutely absurd amount” of tax payers money to help combat against a recent spree of heritage crime incidents which have been  happening in broad daylight at protected sites across the southern county.

Early this morning Constable John Piggott from Sussex police released images of two men they would like to speak with in connection to digging without a spade at a protected world war two bomber crash site on Butts hill Near Eastbourne last week. We sent a reporter team down to Brighton police station but they refused to comment when Reporter Phil Maholin suggested the possibly of a connection between the Butts hill incident, and another similar occurrence which happened just down the road a few weeks previously at a protected iron-age hill fort near Worthing. Phil also suggested the whole thing could be a conspiracy and pointed out that the two men in the photographs were dressed very similarly to many leading archeologists and that they could be trying to impersonate, and incriminate metal detectorists to further their agenda of getting strict restrictions placed on the hobby and maybe even a ban.

Regardless of the public inquiries made into whether the two incidents have any real footing or evidence, Sussex police have been granted the cash and will be spending it on state of the art equipment and a range of vehicles designed specifically for catching heritage criminals. We sent Reporter Paul McCoil to speak with a member of the engineering science team behind the radical new vehicles, Dr. Ed Steiner.

PM: So what’s this contraption here,  it looks a bit like a tractor ?

ES: Well Paul, what you are looking at is a Hawk Hunter MKI which is basically a John Deere tractor with increased engine power, and several gizmos and gadgets fitted as standard to aid the appointed heritage officer in disrupting, identifying, and catching illegal metal detectorists, and other less prolific heritage criminals such as “Mud hawks” or rogue field walkers known as “Rimmers”or “Flint nappers”

PM: could you possibly run us through some of the features of the modified vehicle, what’s that gun thing on the back?

ES: That’s the “Green waste Cannon” this little baby is actually just a remolded muck sprayer, but instead of spreading muck , the device is loaded to the teeth with an anti- detectorist formula crafted in police forensic laboratories on advise obtained by working closely with well known archeologist Paul Barfood. She fires a lethal concoction of Ring pulls, shredded coke can, copper nails,  rolled up tinfoil, hot rocks, used syringes and worn Georgian coins, and can contaminate roughly an acre a minute. Paul assures us this will deter metal detectorists.

She also has a ground penetrating radar which can detect frequencies made by disturbing soil thus alerting the heritage officer of any potential digging that may be happening in a 5 mile radius, we are informed that the wave patterns made by detectorists digging are very distinguishable and unlike those made by animals. It is also fitted with an electromagnetic scrambler that can disrupt any devices running between 1- 50 Khz, it also has aquatic capabilities, it is fully submersible with a wide range of features for catching heritage thieves in any rivers or muddy wetland environments. It’s not all about the technology though, the officer is also equipped with some much more basic equipment,  such as a simple net for snaring criminals from the safety of the tractor whilst calling for back up, and a megaphone for shouting at trespassing field walkers, who are definitely at the lower end of heritage crime Spectrum but a menace on the rise none the less.

Several reports have been made recently from popular Sunday walking areas at countryside locations all over the south reporting potential rogue field walkers at work dressed in jeans and  thick woolen jumpers often accompanied by small dogs as a convenient alibi for straying off public rights of way.If you see anyone walking around arable fields with a canine companion and a very distinct arched neck posture with hands folded behind the back , staring at the ground retrieving objects from the soil, please call your local police station immediately.

Ring of power declared Treasure by British Museum.

The one ring of power manufactured by the Dark Lord Sauron (otherwise known as ‘Isildur’s Bane’) found by a Lincolnshire metal detectorist in 2015 has been declared Treasure, a spokesman for the British Museum has confirmed.

Miss Holly Sheet of Grimsby, who discovered the ring last year at an undisclosed location somewhere in the vicinity of Ancaster, said that she initially suspected the ring to be a fake. However, she was quickly convinced of its authenticity after watching Lord of the Rings, subsequently casting the ring into her fire-grate to reveal the glowing black speech lettering around the edge of the object, a feature that only reveals itself on application of extreme heat. Immediately realising the significance of her find, she contacted not only the Coroner and her local FLO, but also the department of fictional, occultist and magical artefacts at the British Museum, whereupon head curator Arthur Weasley was able to advise her on the correct procedure. We contacted Mr Weasley for comment, who gave us the following statement;

‘As the ring is of more than 10% precious metal and thousands of years old, in addition to fulfilling the hidden sub-clauses of the Treasure Act as pertaining to magical artefacts, I am proud to be able to declare it as Treasure. Naturally the discovery of the ring of power is incredibly significant, though this also comes with some dangers. Luckily I was able to step in before any harm was done. Had Miss Sheet put on the ring, she might well have drawn the attention of both the Dark Lord and his Nazgul. Such an act would have undoubtedly resulted in her swift abduction to Mordor by servants of the enemy. The ring will, therefore, be kept here in the vaults of the British Museum, to protect both itself from harm and others from it’s corrupting influence. Never to be used, except in our direst need. It may at times be shown to the public, and we are currently planning a six month exhibition next year which will feature the best of the magical or fictional artefacts within our collections. This may include such objects as the meteoric iron sword of Attila the Hun, Excalibur, the Holy Grail, a magic carpet, and Daenerys Targaryen’s Valyrian steel chastity belt.’

The ring, valued by the Treasure Valuation Committee at £25,000, has caused a certain amount of controversy. Many members of the detecting community have spoken out against the apparently low valuation of the piece, claiming that all the British Museum wants to do is use the ring to destroy the British government and claim ultimate power for itself, while others theorise that the current Director of the British Museum, Hartwig Fischer, has already fallen under its corrupting influence and now answers only to the bidding of Sauron. The Tolkien foundation have already released a lengthy letter from their solicitors asking that as their ancestral intellectual property (and thus, the original owners) the ring should be returned to them, while a certain Mr S Saruman of 3, the Crescent, Isengard, has also written in to stake his claim to the piece, acting under the auspices of ‘the great eye’. Strange events have also followed the discovery of the ring- it was recently revealed in a leaked memo that a number of northern museums had attempted to fundraise together in order to buy the ring and ‘throw off the shackles of the southern invaders, seizing ultimate power’ though this was quickly hushed up by a number of representatives who claimed the memo in fact consisted part of an internal curatorial staff dungeons and dragons game, having no connection to the discovery of the ring whatsoever. A recent attempted break-in at the British Museum involving two men, a wizard, an elf, a dwarf, and four hobbits, is not thought to be connected with the declaration of the ring as treasure.

Feelings are clearly running high on all fronts in reaction to the discovery of this object, but we here at Daily Detectorist feel happy that an artefact of such arcane potential is being safely held at the British Museum. The final hearing on the matter involving all those parties currently laying claim to the object will be held in the British Museum’s large underground basement on the 20th of October, though a spokesman clarified that they are currently in negotiations with the eye of Sauron in lieu of finding a more convenient location to hold the hearing, pending the unavailability of adequate toilet facilities.

Female detectorist sues Garret over tragic pet death.

At 78, Ethel Reed is on the older side of those who engage in our glorious hobby. Such mature detectorists, with their years of experience and long-standing engagement with both newcomers and peers alike, are surely the cornerstone of the coil-swinging world. However, the pensioner is suing Garret over an incident which occurred last year where her pet rabbit, Flopsy IX, died in tragic circumstances. We sent DD reporter Justin Fields to find out more from Miss Reed about the circumstances of the case.

‘So Ethel, tell us what happened.’

‘Well Justin, it was like this. I’d just settled down to watch that nice man Gary Lineaker on the telly with a bottle of wine and some Lancashire Hotpot, when old Flopsy came sidling up to me wanting his din dins. I keeps a nice box of carrots by the side of me comfy armchair so’s I can throw him one now and then while I’m sitting down. Anyway, I reaches into the box and gives him the carrot, which he takes into the kitchin as usual. Anyway, a few minutes later, I hears this funny zapping noise and thumping, followed by quite a delicious meaty or gamey sort of smell. I gets up to see what’s going on and there’s Flopsy, singed and dead on the floor with the carrot next to him! Gave me quite the turn. Of course I called the police, fire-brigade and ambulance, but there was nowt they could do and the sergeant gave me quite a telling off for ‘wasting police time’ or something. Vet come out to see him, and as he was looking at him he picks up the carrot Flopsy were eating and hands it to me, asking ‘what’s this?’. Says I, ‘well, it’s a carrot in’t it?’, to which he responds ‘no it isn’t’. I takes it off him and has a look, and blow me down if I hadn’t thrown Flopsy my own Garret carrot from my detecting gear, which he’d then chewed and electrocuted himself with! I’ve never been so upset in me life, Flopsy was 20th generation pedigree and them bastards have killed him by making their bloody pinpointers the same colour as bloody vegetables! Other rabbits will die soon if they don’t fix this, them’s nothing but a bunch of no good murderers!’

Our interview with Miss Reed was abruptly terminated when our correspondent questioned her about whether her lack of good eyesight and refusal to wear glasses during everyday life may have contributed to the frying of her beloved Flopsy, causing Miss Reed to violently lunge across her living room table. However, the issue has stood and a number of older detectorists have come forward to accuse Garret of causing a hazardous issue by creating tools which both resemble and are nicknamed as the popular orange vegetables. A spokesman for Garret gave the following statement;

‘We sympathise with Miss Reed for her recent bereavement. However, we must stress to all those who furnish us with their patronage that the orange Garret ‘carrot’ pinpointer is NOT suitable for consumption by humans or animals alike. As a measure to prevent this from ever happening again, we have decided to make all our pinpointers purple from now on, and call them the ‘Garret Rabbit’ in commemoration of Flopsy. We also offer Miss Reed a voucher for £500 in order to compensate for her loss.’

Though the Flopsy saga may have been avenged, controversy surrounding pinpointers continues this week. Shaun Badcock of Daventry is attempting to sue Nokta for emotional distress after his wife became addicted to self-pleasuring herself with his probe before running off with an accountant, claiming it gave her better orgasms and contributed to her sexual awakening. We promise to bring you more on this story as we get it.

‘Man in the hat’ theme tune reaches number 1 in Uzbekistan pop music charts.

The self proclaimed ‘man in the hat’ has enjoyed a controversial existence in the world of online Metal Detecting. Some sing his praises from the rooftops, while others decry everything he does and lampoon him for his often exuberant and occasionally ostentatious You tube videos. However, his most recent bit of publicity has come from an unexpected source- the Republic of Uzbekistan. DD Uzbek cultural correspondent Vlad Furqat comes to us direct from the capital city of Tashkent.

‘It’s incredible out here. Everywhere I go people are chanting the words of the man in the hat theme song- set to almost every genre! I can hear house remixes blaring from the clubs, an accordionist playing it on the street, some young Uzbeks rocking it out to a heavy metal version, and down the road in the fancy westernised restaurant there is a piano quartet tinkling out an instrumental version. The song has gone viral overnight and has even penetrated into the Uzbek drugs subculture when a young Uzbek DJ ripped the ‘WOAH, WOAH’ vocals and laid them over a heavy dubstep bassline which reportedly had 1000’s of ravers at a warehouse party skanking out of control.

The reasons behind the popularity of Steve’s theme-song couldn’t be clearer; president Shavkat Mrziyoyev is himself a metal detectorist of some repute in the ‘stans, having personally discovered 651 kurgans (burial mounds) and entire temples stuffed with ritually deposited gold and silver artefacts that hark back to the glory days of silk road cities and camel caravans stretching for miles into the desert. However, he himself has become obsessed with the man in the hat. In a statement Mr Mrziyoyev said the following;

‘I love Steve’s passion and drive with my whole heart, and by extension the heart of all glorious Uzbekistan. I call those who name him ‘twat in the hat’ as COWARDS, and invite them to Uzbek gulags for tea and borscht. How could a man who uses lyrics such as ‘metal detecting and finding lots of gold, searching for anything that’s old’ be labelled as anything other than a musical genius? I invite Steve too come to Uzbekistan, to experience our glorious nation and see for himself how welcoming we are.’

President Mrziyoyev abruptly terminated the interview and had his bodyguards viciously beat our cameraman when one of our production team questioned him as to his human rights policies and reasons for banning certain Uzbek musical acts. However, this did little to marr the atmosphere as we were quickly rushed to the studio where Uzbekistan’s version of ‘Top of the Pops’ was being presented and heartily congratulated us on behalf of our country for producing their current hit single. Though somewhat bemused , we asked what exactly about the song made it so popular. Apparently, the use of folky guitar and upbeat nature makes it absolutely riveting to Uzbeks, starved of virtually any outside musical and cultural influences during the years of communist rule. Government censorship policies (mandated by President Mrziyoyev) have prevented all but metal detecting videos from being available on Uzbek internet, thus the man in the hat’s short yet sweet theme tune has been immediately been seized upon as something currently described by music critics as ‘brave and new’.