According to the Association of Representative Sports Events, metal detecting has officially been declared an Olympic sport and is due to be on the agenda at the games taking place in Rio de Janeiro later this year, foreign correspondent Jéroffe Möyland reports.
The Association of Representative Sports Events (ARSE) has taken this revolutionary step due to intense lobbying from the NCMD and FID, who for decades have been campaigning against what they regard as flagrant exclusion, and who say they view the opportunity to compete in the games as an inherent right. Several highly skilled British detectorists have been named as potential candidates to represent Team GB in the upcoming games, with almost fevered speculation that such leading athletes of the detectorist community as Morgan Hermitage, Gerry Smith, Andreas Fadge,and Leon Argent may compete in the under 21’s. We sent Paul McCoil to ask detecting hotshot Andreas Fadge what he thinks about metal detecting as a competitive athletic sport and why it should be included in the games.
‘So Mr Fadge, give us your point of view.’
‘Well Paul, the fact that metal detecting did not exist in the 1890’s (when the Olympic games were reinstated-Ed.) is irrelevant. This is the modern day, for modern sports. I mean, if they were going to consider things like horse archery, tiddlywinks, chess and fucking table tennis, they can at least give the honour of allowing us to take part in a REAL physically exerting form of athletic exercise. I mean, it takes a very strong individual to swing a CTX for 8 hours straight, Hell i couldn’t do it, far more demanding than any of those bloody discus throwers and shot-putters. We metal detectorists have struggled for years for equal treatment on the front of competing in athletic sports, and I believe that 2016 will be our time to shine at the Rio games, with me as the frontman to lead Team GB to victory and really put metal detecting on the sporting map!’
Despite the initial impression of unity, when asked about the suitability of other prospective detecting champions, Mr Fadge threw his microphone across the room and referred to others hoping to compete as ‘a load of amateurs’, before storming out and kicking the resident DD cat. It is undecided whether the Olympics will allow teams from countries where metal detecting is completely banned (such as Bulgaria, Greece, Ireland and Cyprus) to enter the competition, although some have suggested this could be used as a method of rooting out illegal detectorists through the intervention of Interpol following on from undercover surveillance of the various events.
Another problem facing detectorits is the attitude of various indigenous groups who are up in arms over the locations being initially suggested, some of which are areas of possible ancient Mayan habitation which as yet haven’t been subject to any form of archaeological assesment.
Among the disgruntled, Chief Kungchi Itchen Chitza of the Mayan peoples of Brazil organization has expressed considerable concern over the effect of awakening evil spirits from ritual metallic items buried in the ground, and potential plundering of Mayan antiquities. Sadly, we are unable to print the interview we recorded with Chief Chitza, as he terminated the interview and forced us to delete our recorded footage when we brought up his alleged previous convictions for peddling in illicit Brazilian antiquities. While travelling through the countryside this morning, many of the indigenous inhabitants could be seen gathering, some making placards on which were painted insulting slogans aimed at prominent detectorists known to have expressed an interest in competing. This is indicative of the fact that within the indigenous groups the inclusion of detecting as an Olympic sport is already decidedly unpopular.
Some of you may be pleased to hear that we’ve finally managed to tempt veteran reporter Phil Maholin out of happy and contented retirement, and we’ve asked him to give us his usual offbeat slant on the matter:
‘Metal detecting as an olympic sport? Sure why not, we could do with a bit of glamour couldn’t we, a bit of recognition? Why if I was ten years younger, well twenty … well maybe… anyway, if I was younger I might even be considering it myself. Imagine winning a gold, there’d be lucrative advertising contracts, sponsorship deals, you name it. See if the Mrs. still wants me out from under her feet when I’m rich and famous and… Never mind, that’s another matter, but yeah I’m all for it, let’s show the world what the flower of British metal detecting are capable of.
And as for all this nonsense about digging up ancestral lands, that’s ridiculous, it would be totally unnecessary, we don’t have to be so literal. Obviously it would be a case of constructing large, purpose built detecting pitches close to the stadiums, in which different symbolic ‘artifacts’ of various points values could be secreted for the detectorists to find. That will almost certainly necessitate the demolition of a few sprawling inner city housing estates in some cities, and the forcible removal of the probably mainly poor inhabitants of course, but hell, that didn’t bother anyone in Beijing did it?’
Well thanks for that valuable insight Phil, good to have you back. DD has no idea as of yet as to the nature of the events or schedules that will take place in Rio, but we promise to update you when we know more.