A French man living in Wiltshire has been admitted to hospital following a failed suicide attempt as a result of discovering his suspected hoard of Celtic ring money turned out to be nothing more than remains of a Victorian curtain ring factory.
Mr Didier De Bepe a 12 year resident in Swindon, was admitted to the Great western hospital at around 3pm on Sunday with life threatening injuries to the neck and respiratory problems after attempting to decapitate himself with a sharpened spade, and attaching himself to a Minelab CTX 3030 before launching himself into the Kennet and Avon canal. The attempt to drown himself was foiled when a passing dogwalker saved Mr.De Bepe and cut him free from the cumbersome CTX which was later recovered by a heavy duty crane. The police are currently looking for the dog walker and have issued a warrant for his arrest, he is likely to appear at crown court charged with possession of carrying a pen knife.
Relatives of Mr.De Bepe informed our news team that Didier had left a suicide note (which we thought not appropriate to publish ), and it confirms he had decided to take his own life when his suspected hoard of ring money which he obtained at a recent Trowbridge and district metal detecting club event, turned out to be remains of a Victorian curtain ring factory. Mr.De Bepe had posted a picture of the suspected treasure trove on facebook group ‘Metal detecting founds’ minutes after the discovery was made and was identified as “Might be ring money” by owner Brian Sluice.
Witnesses present on the dig reported that Mr. De Bepe after spending a good few minutes sitting on the floor starring at his phone, started to leap around like a mad man, screaming and cheering before bursting into tears and breaking down into an emotional overload. Unbeknownst to the finder, a fellow club member Randy Holdbrook, was already rolling on the field laughing, calling Mr.De Bepe a “Deus fairy wand waving French twat” , and that he was a complete and utter fool for believing his 20th century curtain ring haul could be Celtic ring money, Sadly the Frenchman didn’t take kindly to the news and refused to believe Mr Holdbrook until several more detectorists agreed it was not Ring money.
Mr.De Bepe is still in a self-induced Koma and will remain under medical supervision until doctors feel he’s emotionally strong enough to come to terms with his misfortune, however the DD has discovered this case of mis-identified Celtic Ring money is not an isolated one, we sent Jeroffe Moyland to speak with Iron age expert, television’s Francis Pryor:
‘For years, those cheeky rascals in the detecting community have both intentionally and unintentionally subscribed to the idea of Celtic Ring Money, they do it on a daily basis on all those ruddy facebook detecting groups, everyone’s an expert. Some have used it mearly as a blanket term to hide behind when they are unsure about the exact nature of their roughly ring-shaped object, others have used the term illicitly and are now flogging the blasted things for 50p a pop on Ebay. Fact is, most of the Ring Money detectorists find is actually just old harness rings and other round objects , but not all of them. I have a different theory on so-called Celtic ring money. Due to the fact that many of the said objects have turned up in Iron Age graves, on the continent and in the context of being located in the groin regions of male burials, and scientists have found traces of pre-Roman semen on multiple examples, this has now lead me to believe that many of these copper-alloy and gold rings were utilised in the role of a penis ring, worn by Iron Age men in order to show off their sexual prowess. A single sexual conquest was likely represented by one copper-alloy ring, and if you managed to engage in sexual congress with an iron age war maiden and last more then 2 minutes, you would win the rights to a gold one. We have an account from Tacitus which supports the frequent occurrence of what the Iron Age people called ifrosaticux, which literally translates as tearing of the soft parts. If a man failed to ejaculate, a woman had the right to tear off his string of rings, the lack of which would show him to be a failure and shameful in the eyes of the tribe.
The DD fully backs Francis’s theory and we recommend ring money now be referred to as Celtic Cock rings.