It is a sad day for detectorists the world over as leading metal detector manufacturer Minelab reportedly closed down their headquarters in Ireland this week and ceased all operations pertaining to repair and production. The official company stance and reasons behind the closure has not been revealed yet, although Facebook groups are now rife with uncertainty, mass-panic and speculation about the whys and wherefores of the company’s regional closure, mainly centring around the concern of where UK Minelab users will now get their machines repaired.
French Detectorist and devout XP enthusiast Didier De Bepe caused a stir on social media last night when he tweeted controversial accusations against the Irish Government which suggested they had forced Minelab to relocate the factory complex due to surplus CTX’s piling up in coastal warehouses, the weight of which was causing Ireland to slowly sink into the sea and exacerbating the risk from erosion and rising sea levels already being caused by global warming. His views were quickly rubbished by saner members of the detecting community who pointed out that even a CTX wouldn’t cause a landmass so buoyant as Ireland to sink, but the damage had already been done and this misinformation still continues to travel around the globe at a rate of knots.
A meeting this afternoon between various DD reporters and other detecting news agencies have come to our own conclusion that the recent potato shortage in Ireland could be at the heart of the matter.
An insider from the ex-offices of the company told us that Minelab are always experimenting with different power sources for their machines, also suggesting that a certain factory in the Minelab complex produces potato bio-fuel batteries. When we pressed further, our source admitted that he himself had been part of a secret Minelab project sponsored in part by an anonymous North Korean donor whereby Irish potatoes were directly irradiated using spent nuclear fuel rods and then hidden inside the compartment of various Minelab models such as the Quattro, Sovereign and Safari to act as eternal batteries using nuclear fission to provide power. In all of these instances, he claims, the company provided fake battery compartments to make it seem (to the uneducated eye) that the machine functioned on normal power. The reason for utilising fission-powered potatoes, he argued, was to bring costs down. In a surveillance video we secretly filmed of Minelab Ireland’s headquarters, dozens of articulated lorries were seen delivering potatoes in extraordinary amounts, along with men in white coats and strange looking industrial laboratory equipment. We believe Minelab have stationed themselves in Ireland to corner the potato industry at the expense of leaving the Irish without something as important to their every day life as a coconut is to a man living on a desert island.
Celtic Affairs diplomat Paul McCoil (reporting live from Ireland) details in his latest report the anger that a number of local fringe groups and residents of the shamrock isle have displayed in the knowledge that Minelab have so suddenly upped sticks. Pagan groups such as ‘The Witches voice’ and ‘The Pagan Federation’ among many others, are rioting through the streets of cities from Dublin to Cork looking for Minelab employees and associates, lead in their search by a mysterious woman who named herself only as ‘Lady Moonstone III’. From information visible on banners carried at the torch-lit protests, it appears the demonstrators believe a bigger conspiracy is afoot. Mr McCoil has interviewed Lady Moonstone III for her views, the transcript of which is outlined below;
So, what is all the fuss about, Mrs Moonstone?
That’s LADY Moonstone to you, non-believer. Minelab aren’t pulling the wool over our eyes with this emergency exit back to the safety of Australia. We know they are stationed in Ireland to act as middlemen for the illegal exportation of leprechaun hoards dug up by nighthawks and then sold on to various rich buyers the world over. It’s been the duty of the pagan worshippers such as myself for over a millenia to safeguard the secrets of the leprechauns and the pots of gold that they left behind. The truth is, leprechauns were just small ginger Celtic children sent off into the hills and wilds to bury pots full of gold staters when a false alarm countrywide settlement evacuation occurred because the Irish believed the Romans were invading via ships which set sail from Anglesey, which ironically turned out to be a few of the Carausian fleet out for a joy-ride. Thus the legend of leprechauns was concealed, a disguise to keep the secret of the lost buried staters safe. But we here at the pagan federation of Ireland believe Minelab have finally cracked the puzzles and abstract maps from depictions carved into rocks on the small island of Inishtrahull off the north coast of Donegal, and looted said hoards before flogging them on Ebay for vast quantities of cash. This, we think, explains adequately their abrupt exit from the country.
Mr McCoil was unfortunately forced to hand over the next part of his transcript to a large gang of pagan thugs who objected to his line of enquiry into the accusations that Lady Moonstone III was in fact wanted by the police forces of 19 countries for the smuggling of magic mushrooms and golden Iron Age torcs as well as a previous conviction in 1997 of accidental homicide whereby her ex-husband was burned alive in a wicker man as a human sacrifice to Toutatis.
It appears that there are multiple agendas at play in the issue of Minelab’s retreat from Ireland, made all the more suspicious by the refusal of multiple Minelab spokespersons to talk to our reporters. We at DD can only speculate as to the true reasons for Minelab’s exit from Ireland, although it would appear that both the detector company and the pagan groups fighting against the company both have numerous skeletons in their mutual cupboards. Only the future will give us answers.