The Communist leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Ung, has announced in international publications last Wednesday that he believes the Roman empire extended as far east as the Hamgyong mountains in North Korea. He made the claims following his own recent discovery of a 2nd century Roman coin in a field using a metal detector. We Sent Paul McCoil to attend a skype interview with Mr. Jong Ung.
‘So why do you believe the Romans were in North Korea Kim ?
‘I find Roman coin with metal detector in North Korea. This proves beyond any doubt that they were here. I am in charge of all important archaeology choices in my country, and I have to agree with my self that the Roman empire stretched as far east as North Korea, although I am certain they never stepped foot in South Korea , why they want go there eh? hahahahahah.
Yes, of course. Western reports of the ‘Unicorn lair’ were somewhat more honest I think….but moving on, how did you get into metal detecting ?
‘I start by watching Engrish detecting videos on Youtube.. I like Digger Dawn, Hammy Sammy, Time diggers and deep digger Dan, but it must be said Steven from ‘Man in Hat’ is my biggest inspiration and my favourite show, he is such a crazy guy. I buy hat just like him and now feel like perhaps i can start to be accepted by other cultures. Every day I sing his little theme song to myself while in bath and sometimes on workout playlists. His wombling tips also very useful, so I decide to import Asda to North Korea just so I can pick up all the receipts myself. After watching all man in the hat videos three times, I decided to buy Xq Dues and try metal detecting in my homeland and after 1 week I found my first Roman coin, I also found legendary North Korean Unicorn lair, but that was before I bought my detector. Now I go back there next week to find hidden treasures of my ancestors, but will probably put evidence of illegal missile tests into scrap bin along with irradiated Plutonium from Nuclear bombs I test on Tuesday. Pesky UN would have a field day with that if they found out, haha!’
‘And what do you intend to do with your finds?’
‘Well, Romans in North Korea obviously defeated by my brave countrymen. I will put in museum enormous statue of myself holding the coin, symbolising my ancestor’s victory over the ‘civilised’ west. I may even set up version of PAS, but only recording North Korean finds, all finds of South Korean or other origin will be sent in for destruction on pain of death. I have had lots of Chinese gold coins recently melted down to make new bidet for me and wife. Very stylish.’
At this point, our Skype interview cut out for about 5 minutes. When it came back online, both Paul McCoil and Kim had disappeared offscreen. In their place was a very shouty Korean man in military uniform, who yelled at us before turning the computer off. We’re not betting men, but we’re currently of the opinion that Mr McCoil has been kidnapped by the North Koreans and currently is probably being pumped for information about the West’s military secrets, a fact his wife ensures us he is clueless about. We will bring you more updates on this story as we get them, though are currently trying to persuade our newly arrived Korean intern Som Ting Wong to go out there and secure Paul’s release. So far, our efforts have been in vain.