In the wake of the impending possibility of a Scottish separation from the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson has suggested that repairing Hadrian’s wall and raising it by several hundred feet could be a permanent and cost effective way of keeping those pesky Pict’s in the mountains where they belong. We Sent DD’s patriotic yet impartial and well-spoken resident Scotsman Paul McCoil to a conference in Westminster to take a statement from the future prime minister.
‘I’ve had it up to my fringe with that wasp chewing Scottish bulldog Nicola Sturgeon, if she believes Scotland can cope alone without subsistence from England’s royal treasury she clearly has delusions of grandeur. For starters everybody knows the Scots are considered moderately unenthusiastic when pertaining to being parted from hard earned money and from an economical perspective that’s a critically flawed foundation to build an empire on, and lest we forget England has been the dominant country in the United Kingdom love story since a time long before the stone age. Obviously the Aberdeen angus beef market which makes up around 50% of Scotland’s exports is likely to have a knock on effect on the economy, but I say let’s eat English beef, yes it’s riddled with BSE and bovine TB, and even occasionally mixed with horse meat at the hands of corporate owned supermarket giants, but we must start looking closer to home at our farmers for help, and support our economy by shopping locally. Stop drinking Scotch whiskey and reach for a bottle of traditional English cider made from home-grown apples, Ditch the overly-intensively farmed Scottish salmon and swap for native river dwelling fish such as rainbow trout, and speaking of which, I believe Nicola Sturgeon (who I like to secretly call Shaveheart because of her moustache) has said things so unforgivable that our countries relationship is now beyond repair. I suggest that a complete overhaul of the UK is in order and we will be renaming the confederation to ” The United States of England”. If elected as the new conservative leader I promise that as your leader, the first thing i will do for the country is repair, rebuild, and reshape various sections of the old Roman structure Hadrian’s wall, and force the Scots back up the high road. I also plan to raise the wall by a further 200 Feet, improving the design and modifying the original foundations. With full financial and emotional support from America I am certain that together we can divide England from Scotland and live separately as we once did in Roman times.
Unconvinced by Boris’s claims We Sent DD’s Anne Tickwitty over to speak with Donald Trump
DT: Hiya toots, fancy coming back to the hotel for a drink after the interview?
Stage manager: MR TRUMP THE MICROPHONE IS ON!
DT: God Dammit what is it with you British reporters, what do you want I’m incredibly busy?
AT: Is it true you’re financially and emotionally backing the reformation of the British confederation and renaming it to the United States of England?
DT: Sure why not, we buy our beef from Brazil and apart from my golf course which I plan to make an independent state within Scotland, I feel the country has nothing more to offer America, I mean c’mon the dudes wear the skirts and the chicks wear the trousers.
AT: Are you supporting the massive refurbishment operation involved in reconstructing Hadrian’s wall?
DT: Yes, yes I am. The idea came to us when Boris joined me for dinner one evening at my London apartment in Islington, he stayed for few a few hours and talked about politics and life, we then watched an episode of Game of thrones when around half way through the show he jokingly suggested building a wall as large as the one at castle black across England separating it from Scotland, and then said” but we couldn’t afford something like that if we left the EU, could we?”
DT: To which I replied, ” I have very deep pockets Mr. Johnson and if you follow our plan to form the United States of England I feel that anything is possible.”
We now go home to Reporter Izzy Diggins who is currently observing a rant online from detectorist and Pseudo-Facebook politician Callum Loves.
‘Fuck it build the wall, I’m retreating north with a brigade of Bremain supporting left wing associates and we’re off to start a new Pict colony in Scotland and I’m going to renounce my English citizenship. I’ve really had it with those closet racist, self- serving right wing fuck nuts, they’ve really done it this time voting for Brexit,Democracy just isn’t fair. I’ve seen this coming for years and have been making preparations for the day that my dream of a new age Pict colony in the Grampian mountains on the edge of the highlands becomes a reality, and my ambition, no, My destiny is to rescue the British Isles from the English and put woad body art back on the cultural map. I also propose that Cornwall, Wales, and Ireland should follow suit in reforming the true Celtic nations and help fightback against the age old problem of English tyranny.’
For further information or to find employment paid a standard minimum wage on the Hadrian’s wall restoration project please contact Boris Johnson directly on twitter @BorisJohnson.