A middle-aged man from South Yorkshire is due to appear in court following a violent incident which occurred at a metal detecting rally near Dinnington where witnesses reported a man had gone “totally fucking mental” and smashed up several cars before wheel spinning out of the field, hurling a torrent of verbal abuse and a partially eaten corned beef-salad sandwich out of his car window at organizers as he made a hasty retreat from the scene.
Mr. Doug Witherspoon, a 57-year-old semi-retired part-time car salesman from Doncaster, has tried to dispute the charges of criminal damage on grounds of diminished responsibility as he had forgotten to take his medication that day and as a result was under the false impression that by paying £20 to attend a metal detecting rally he should be 100 % guaranteed to find something noteworthy and of considerable age. We sent Mr.Witherspoon an invitation to attend an interview with Paul McCoil at DD headquarters which he graciously accepted.
PM: So Doug, would you care to give us your version of the events which occurred at the rally last week?
DW: Well basically Paul I arrived at the dig and paid the man the sum of twenty pounds to attend and felt for that kind of money I should have been entitled to find an item with a value which exceeded the entrance cost. I swung for almost four hours with only two buttons to show for my labor and slowly started to get an overwhelming sense of frustration. These feelings intensified throughout the day, normally a few puffs on my digital nicotine vaporizer would be enough to calm me down but I then realized my stupid bitch of a wife Sandra forgot to pack my medication in the lunch box and from that moment I just knew an emotional outburst was imminent. I’m deeply sorry for the damages which I inflicted to the vehicles but truly believe the club should cough up the bill as it’s their fault I got angry.
PM: That’s absurd, isn’t the whole nature of the hobby about the wheel of chance, the luck of the draw?
DW: NO, not for twenty quid it’s not, Aren’t you listening? All I found that day was two stinking buttons, I’m sick to death of these clubs charging me top dollar to find fuck all every weekend, things are getting pretty tight at home since the used car industry went into decline. What these so-called clubs are doing is literally daylight robbery and if I don’t find something valuable at a rally soon I will almost certainly turn to night time robbery.
PM: Is that off record Mr. Witherspoon I assume you are insinuating an interest in taking up night hawking as a result of not finding much at rallies?
DW: Look I’m just saying, I pay my way and feel I should be rewarded with the goods once in a while, the fact I’m using a £60 Meplins detector should be irrelevant, it’s a perfectly capable machine and it even says “Professional metal detector” on the box, no, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this machine and I have complete and utter faith in the old girl, and Meplins as an undisputed reputable brand known for producing good quality, affordable metal detectors of the very highest standards.
PM: Can’t say I’ve ever heard good things said about Meplins, quite the contrary in fact.
DW: I hear enough of these negative remarks at the digs, I’ll be buggered if I’ll sit here listening to you insulting me, it’s not like your shoddy Aunt Sally establishment is paying me for this.
PM: No need to get Angry Doug, it’s this kind of behavior which got you into this mess in the first place.
At this point Mr. Witherspoon lunged for Reporter Paul McCoil wielding a fountain pen and had to be restrained by Phil Maholin and Jerome Moyland who were luckily both present in the DD’s slightly dilapidated, and Contrived shared office block at the time of the interview and were able to escort him off the premises in a no-nonsense fashion which consequently terminated the interview prematurely.
To get further insight into the actions of the perpetrator we sent Anne Tickwitty to speak with a fellow detectorist and friend of Mr. Witherspoon’s who was also present at the rally.
“Who Doug? Yes, I know him, but let’s not be too hasty, I certainly wouldn’t refer to him as a friend nor even an acquaintance. If the truth is told I think the man’s neurotic and I really can’t stand the bloke, he gets on everyone’s tits on a regular basis, he never listens to any advice and continues to keep using that cheap Meplins detector and all he ever seems to find is plough shears and coke cans. Two hoards came off the field at the rally in question and he stills blames everybody apart from himself. He’s been banned by three clubs this year due to his irrational outbursts and I would have it known publicly that I’m trying to dis-associate myself with him and his issues.
Doug Witherspoon is likely to get a hefty fine, a few hundred hours community service and maybe even a prison sentence, we promise to keep readers updated as we find out more.