At 78, Ethel Reed is on the older side of those who engage in our glorious hobby. Such mature detectorists, with their years of experience and long-standing engagement with both newcomers and peers alike, are surely the cornerstone of the coil-swinging world. However, the pensioner is suing Garret over an incident which occurred last year where her pet rabbit, Flopsy IX, died in tragic circumstances. We sent DD reporter Justin Fields to find out more from Miss Reed about the circumstances of the case.
‘So Ethel, tell us what happened.’
‘Well Justin, it was like this. I’d just settled down to watch that nice man Gary Lineaker on the telly with a bottle of wine and some Lancashire Hotpot, when old Flopsy came sidling up to me wanting his din dins. I keeps a nice box of carrots by the side of me comfy armchair so’s I can throw him one now and then while I’m sitting down. Anyway, I reaches into the box and gives him the carrot, which he takes into the kitchin as usual. Anyway, a few minutes later, I hears this funny zapping noise and thumping, followed by quite a delicious meaty or gamey sort of smell. I gets up to see what’s going on and there’s Flopsy, singed and dead on the floor with the carrot next to him! Gave me quite the turn. Of course I called the police, fire-brigade and ambulance, but there was nowt they could do and the sergeant gave me quite a telling off for ‘wasting police time’ or something. Vet come out to see him, and as he was looking at him he picks up the carrot Flopsy were eating and hands it to me, asking ‘what’s this?’. Says I, ‘well, it’s a carrot in’t it?’, to which he responds ‘no it isn’t’. I takes it off him and has a look, and blow me down if I hadn’t thrown Flopsy my own Garret carrot from my detecting gear, which he’d then chewed and electrocuted himself with! I’ve never been so upset in me life, Flopsy was 20th generation pedigree and them bastards have killed him by making their bloody pinpointers the same colour as bloody vegetables! Other rabbits will die soon if they don’t fix this, them’s nothing but a bunch of no good murderers!’
Our interview with Miss Reed was abruptly terminated when our correspondent questioned her about whether her lack of good eyesight and refusal to wear glasses during everyday life may have contributed to the frying of her beloved Flopsy, causing Miss Reed to violently lunge across her living room table. However, the issue has stood and a number of older detectorists have come forward to accuse Garret of causing a hazardous issue by creating tools which both resemble and are nicknamed as the popular orange vegetables. A spokesman for Garret gave the following statement;
‘We sympathise with Miss Reed for her recent bereavement. However, we must stress to all those who furnish us with their patronage that the orange Garret ‘carrot’ pinpointer is NOT suitable for consumption by humans or animals alike. As a measure to prevent this from ever happening again, we have decided to make all our pinpointers purple from now on, and call them the ‘Garret Rabbit’ in commemoration of Flopsy. We also offer Miss Reed a voucher for £500 in order to compensate for her loss.’
Though the Flopsy saga may have been avenged, controversy surrounding pinpointers continues this week. Shaun Badcock of Daventry is attempting to sue Nokta for emotional distress after his wife became addicted to self-pleasuring herself with his probe before running off with an accountant, claiming it gave her better orgasms and contributed to her sexual awakening. We promise to bring you more on this story as we get it.