‘Metal detecting for the many not just the few’ Jeremy Corbyn announces Labour policy

Daily Detectorist Election Special Part 1

With Phil Maholin: Digging out the news that they want to bury

While The Daily Detectorist is entirely impartial and at all times maintains a balanced and unbiased attitude to politics; with the election looming we considered it nothing less than our duty to keep our readers apprised of any issues relating to their beloved hobby that any party may be planning to look at. Now, in a secretive and in-depth probe lasting several long lunchtimes, crack undercover DD investigative journalist Phil Maholin has unearthed alleged rumours thought to be circulating among some political pundits described as, ‘quite close to certain backroom figures said to be associated with colleagues of people who know friends of Labour Party insiders’, to the effect that Labour leader and well known terrorist sympathiser Jeremy Corbyn may soon announce plans to re-examine the current state of U.K law regarding metal detecting and artefact recovery, in the highly unlikely event that Labour wins the election.

In a series of clandestine rendezvous at a run down Westminster drinking club, said to have once been popular with MPs and party officials, a shadowy unnamed source informed the star DD reporter that: ‘Key issues on the agenda may in all likelihood involve looking into potentially controversial areas such as the redistribution of land permissions to the general public, and taxing the often ‘evasive’ commercial metal detecting clubs and individuals’.  Marxist/Stalinist and self confessed Fidel Castro admirer Corbyn is thought to believe that ‘metal detecting should be for the many not just the few’, and is said to possibly be concerned that vast tracts of land including royal estates are occupied by lone detectorists with sole permission covering thousands of acres, and may think that this situation simply isn’t fair, and should probably change.

The anonymous source also hinted that the fiercely pro-immigration Labour leader tasked shadow home secretary Diane Abbott with looking into the maths involved, and apparently found that the figures ‘just don’t add up’. Now it is alleged that Corbyn may be suggesting that metal detecting clubs should handle the hobby regionally and all events should be open to the general public, including minorities, foreigners and, controversially, even people entering the country illegally from outside the EU: ‘In countries like Syria and Iraq, and some African countries, islamist groups and hard line followers of the religion of peace such as ISIS and Al Shabab, have sold or destroyed all their priceless antiquities and shamelessly robbed and vandalised their cultural history in the name of Allah, leaving the regions’ metal detectorists in a seriously deprived state, and it’s up to us in the west to help them.’ Is what it is thought to have been suggested that the passionately islamophillic hard left Labour supremo may believe on the matter.

There is also said to be intense speculation that Ms. Abbott might have been overheard at a private function possibly stating off the record that:  ‘It is heartless and racist to seek to deny people from underdeveloped countries in Africa and the middle east their basic human right to come to the U.K to detect and dig up British antiquities and take them home, and no one but a xenophobic, racist, facist, alt-right, white supremacist islamophobic and probably sexist nazi could possibly be against it.’  It is also thought that Ms. Abbott may well have added at some point later the same evening:  ‘The children of people so poor that they can barely scrape together the thousands of pounds necessary to pay people traffickers to smuggle them to Britain and help them enter the country illegally, buy a reliable 4×4, a state of the art metal detector, a pro-pointer and all the other expensive detecting paraphernalia, may well starve if they aren’t allowed to take British treasures home and sell them to feed their families, after all, it’s very likely that only a tiny fraction of priceless British antiquities and irreplaceable cultural history may be lost in this way, probably costing the country just a few hundred pounds annually, or possibly a couple of million, but almost certainly no more than maybe fifty to sixty, or perhaps about eighty billion pounds a year, and anyway, it’s not as if the white British haven’t rampaged around the world for centuries plundering everyone else’s treasure is it? So really it’s only fair.’

British detectorists are of course likely to be furious at the plans, and bitter accusations of promoting so called ‘detectourism’ are bound to be levelled at Godless atheist jam maker Corbyn and the Labour party, but in stark contrast, in an exclusive interview for The Daily Detectorist, unelected prime minister with no mandate from the masses Teresa May, told ace DD political reporter Phil Maholin that the conservative party had no plans to freely open up British privately owned land to foreign ‘detectourists’ saying:  “The British aristocracy and the royal family aren’t exactly famous for their alacrity when it comes to giving anything away are they, wealth or privilege, and if we wanted to go handing over our precious British antiquities to random foreigners we would have given back the Elgin marbles, the Koh-i-noor diamond and at least half the contents of the British museum years ago wouldn’t we?”

There you have it, many thanks to the ever intrepid Phil for his diligent, and possibly dangerous hard work in that clearly lugubrious drinking club, from the look of the expenses sheet, it must have been hell for both of you. Clearly a lot of high quality seventy percent proof emotional support was necessary to get through that one, you’re a martyr Phil, thanks.

Now detectorists, you know what Labour may have in store for you in the obviously ludicrously unlikely event that they win the election, and in the second of our two part Daily Detectorist Election special coming soon, we examine in detail, the deepest, darkest, metal detecting related recesses of the Conservative Party Manifesto on your behalf detectorists, so you don’t have to.

Ring of power declared Treasure by British Museum.

The one ring of power manufactured by the Dark Lord Sauron (otherwise known as ‘Isildur’s Bane’) found by a Lincolnshire metal detectorist in 2015 has been declared Treasure, a spokesman for the British Museum has confirmed.

Miss Holly Sheet of Grimsby, who discovered the ring last year at an undisclosed location somewhere in the vicinity of Ancaster, said that she initially suspected the ring to be a fake. However, she was quickly convinced of its authenticity after watching Lord of the Rings, subsequently casting the ring into her fire-grate to reveal the glowing black speech lettering around the edge of the object, a feature that only reveals itself on application of extreme heat. Immediately realising the significance of her find, she contacted not only the Coroner and her local FLO, but also the department of fictional, occultist and magical artefacts at the British Museum, whereupon head curator Arthur Weasley was able to advise her on the correct procedure. We contacted Mr Weasley for comment, who gave us the following statement;

‘As the ring is of more than 10% precious metal and thousands of years old, in addition to fulfilling the hidden sub-clauses of the Treasure Act as pertaining to magical artefacts, I am proud to be able to declare it as Treasure. Naturally the discovery of the ring of power is incredibly significant, though this also comes with some dangers. Luckily I was able to step in before any harm was done. Had Miss Sheet put on the ring, she might well have drawn the attention of both the Dark Lord and his Nazgul. Such an act would have undoubtedly resulted in her swift abduction to Mordor by servants of the enemy. The ring will, therefore, be kept here in the vaults of the British Museum, to protect both itself from harm and others from it’s corrupting influence. Never to be used, except in our direst need. It may at times be shown to the public, and we are currently planning a six month exhibition next year which will feature the best of the magical or fictional artefacts within our collections. This may include such objects as the meteoric iron sword of Attila the Hun, Excalibur, the Holy Grail, a magic carpet, and Daenerys Targaryen’s Valyrian steel chastity belt.’

The ring, valued by the Treasure Valuation Committee at £25,000, has caused a certain amount of controversy. Many members of the detecting community have spoken out against the apparently low valuation of the piece, claiming that all the British Museum wants to do is use the ring to destroy the British government and claim ultimate power for itself, while others theorise that the current Director of the British Museum, Hartwig Fischer, has already fallen under its corrupting influence and now answers only to the bidding of Sauron. The Tolkien foundation have already released a lengthy letter from their solicitors asking that as their ancestral intellectual property (and thus, the original owners) the ring should be returned to them, while a certain Mr S Saruman of 3, the Crescent, Isengard, has also written in to stake his claim to the piece, acting under the auspices of ‘the great eye’. Strange events have also followed the discovery of the ring- it was recently revealed in a leaked memo that a number of northern museums had attempted to fundraise together in order to buy the ring and ‘throw off the shackles of the southern invaders, seizing ultimate power’ though this was quickly hushed up by a number of representatives who claimed the memo in fact consisted part of an internal curatorial staff dungeons and dragons game, having no connection to the discovery of the ring whatsoever. A recent attempted break-in at the British Museum involving two men, a wizard, an elf, a dwarf, and four hobbits, is not thought to be connected with the declaration of the ring as treasure.

Feelings are clearly running high on all fronts in reaction to the discovery of this object, but we here at Daily Detectorist feel happy that an artefact of such arcane potential is being safely held at the British Museum. The final hearing on the matter involving all those parties currently laying claim to the object will be held in the British Museum’s large underground basement on the 20th of October, though a spokesman clarified that they are currently in negotiations with the eye of Sauron in lieu of finding a more convenient location to hold the hearing, pending the unavailability of adequate toilet facilities.

River Thames plagued by ‘Mudhawks’

The River Thames, long acknowledged as Britain’s longest archaeological site, is under attack by a new wave of heritage crime, DD maritime correspondent Riva Banks reports.

So-called ‘mudhawks’ often operating under the cover of darkness and at high tide, have been slipping into the dark waters unnoticed, using underwater metal detectors and dredging equipment alongside scuba gear to clandestinely recover artefacts from the river foreshore and bed illegally. This state of affairs has apparently been going on for some months, but was only recently uncovered fully last week when a dead mudhawk was pulled from the sea off Dover, still clad in his scuba gear with London trade tokens and pilgrim’s badges carefully packed away in his finds pouch. Since then, DD has managed to secure an exclusive interview with the so named King of the mudhawks, ‘Big Pete’, who only agreed to talk to our correspondent via withheld phone number.

‘So Pete, why mudhawking?’

‘Well if I’m honest Riva, it’s the thrill of it. Mudlarking is alright and all that, but mudhawking requires a different sort of person with a different level of enjoyment. Any twat can mince down to the river and pull out a couple of objects by eye, but I’ll warrant that going underwater at midnight, swimming against the high tide and battling the river eels is far more exciting. Plus, it pulls in some major wonga. Propa, innit.’

‘I see. But isn’t it frightfully dangerous?’

‘Oh terribly so. I mean, the eels for one, but also the rival gangs of mudhawkers. They’ll clobber you over the head and nick all your gear, leaving you naked and for dead on Tower Bridge. Luckily, that’s easy to explain away to the pigs as being too inebriated the previous night, though it does make for some awkward conversations with the wife and neighbours. The tides are pretty strong as well, usually I anchor myself in with a big steel stake and just hang off it with a rope, but that’s got its own perils too. One bloke’s rope snapped and he ended up off the coast of France, where the border force arrested him as an illegal immigrant attempting to reach Britain. Unfortunately they refused to believe his story and deported him to Albania, though none of us have heard of him since. Scrawny Jim (all mudlarks have their own imaginative nicknames- Ed.), a mate of mine, he was the victim of a sex attack by a horny dolphin in the estuary and had to undergo months of therapy to get rid of the flashbacks.’

‘Is it really worth it then?’

‘Probably not, considering that Jim’s arsehole is still four times its natural size. But you know, I’ve a wife and kids to feed, 2 GCSEs and a particularly nasty STD so I’m not exactly employment material.’

‘Thanks for your time, Pete.’

As the above interview indicates, mudhawking has evidently attracted the very dregs of society. But it has also attracted some bigger players. Last month, a twenty strong team was arrested on the foreshore, who were systematically digging out lumps of river mud to sell on Ebay at £20 a pound, while only a few days ago a JCB and driver sank into the foreshore at Bankside when Korean entrepreneur Sni Ki Pu attempted to remove an entire section of in-situ Medieval wooden jetty to preserve and exhibit in his Seoul home, claiming that it ‘brought eastern and western aesthetics together’ to museum curators who raged at him for his foolhardy actions.

The actions of mudhawks and those who would loot the river of its heritage have been strongly called out by a number of bodies, and police forces based on the river as well as the surrounding boroughs have undergone specialist training in order to adequately deal with the new threat. Several particularly vulnerable areas of river foreshore have already been systematically excavated and concreted over, in addition to a programme of drag-netting by fishing trawlers in areas often targeted by the adventurous heritage thieves, with the aim to snare them and their illegal hauls. Plans for stronger measures, such as the releasing of noxious substances into the river in order to kill or deter mudhawks, have sadly been condemned and scrapped by a number of conservation bodies, as has the suggestion made by the world famous yet fabulously overzealous ‘Londinium Mudmoocher’ Facebook page that those caught should be exhibited in a special tank within the London Aquarium. A number of mudlarks themselves are rumoured to have set up a special task force in order to patrol the riverside paths with spotlights, though attempts to ascertain this fact have thus far been unsuccessful.

The future seems uncertain for how exactly this new brand of heritage crime will affect the Thames foreshore, though for the moment it seems to have been brought under control by the vigilance of both its legal searchers and the police. Daily Detectorist will in the future be focusing far more on our sacred river, and looks forward to a new age of co-operation with a different side of the searching community.

Boris Johnson to rebuild Hadrian’s wall if Scotland gain UK independence.

In the wake of the impending possibility of a Scottish separation from the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson has suggested that repairing Hadrian’s wall and raising it by several hundred feet could be a permanent and cost effective way of keeping those pesky Pict’s in the mountains where they belong. We Sent DD’s patriotic yet impartial and well-spoken resident Scotsman Paul McCoil to a conference in Westminster to take a statement from the future prime minister.

‘I’ve had it up to my fringe with that wasp chewing Scottish bulldog Nicola Sturgeon, if she believes Scotland can cope alone without subsistence from England’s royal treasury she clearly has delusions of grandeur. For starters everybody knows the Scots are considered moderately unenthusiastic when pertaining to being parted from hard earned money and from an economical perspective that’s a critically flawed foundation to build an empire on, and lest we forget England has been the dominant country in the United Kingdom love story since a time long before the stone age. Obviously the Aberdeen angus beef market which makes up around 50% of Scotland’s exports is likely to have a knock on effect on the economy, but I say let’s eat English beef, yes it’s riddled with BSE and bovine TB, and even occasionally mixed with horse meat at the hands of corporate owned supermarket giants, but we must start looking closer to home at our farmers for help, and support our economy by shopping locally. Stop drinking Scotch whiskey and reach for a bottle of traditional English cider made from home-grown apples, Ditch the overly-intensively farmed Scottish salmon and swap for native river dwelling fish such as rainbow trout, and speaking of which, I believe Nicola Sturgeon (who I like to secretly call Shaveheart because of her moustache) has said things so unforgivable that our countries relationship is now beyond repair. I suggest that a complete overhaul of the UK is in order and we will be renaming the confederation to ” The United States of England”. If elected as the new conservative leader I promise that as your leader, the first thing i will do for the country is repair, rebuild, and reshape various sections of the old Roman structure Hadrian’s wall, and force the Scots back up the high road. I also plan to raise the wall by a further 200 Feet, improving the design and modifying the original foundations. With full financial and emotional support from America I am certain that together we can divide England from Scotland and live separately as we once did in Roman times.

Unconvinced by Boris’s claims We Sent DD’s Anne Tickwitty over to speak with Donald Trump

DT: Hiya toots, fancy coming back to the hotel for a drink after the interview?

Stage manager: MR TRUMP THE MICROPHONE IS ON!

DT: God Dammit what is it with you British reporters, what do you want I’m incredibly busy?

AT: Is it true you’re financially and emotionally backing the reformation of the British confederation and renaming it to the United States of England?

DT: Sure why not, we buy our beef from Brazil and apart from my golf course which I plan to make an independent state within Scotland, I feel the country has nothing more to offer America, I mean c’mon the dudes wear the skirts and the chicks wear the trousers.

AT: Are you supporting the massive refurbishment operation involved in reconstructing Hadrian’s wall?

DT: Yes, yes I am. The idea came to us when Boris joined me for dinner one evening at my London apartment in Islington, he stayed for few a few hours and talked about politics and life, we then watched an episode of Game of thrones when around half way through the show he jokingly suggested building a wall as large as the one at castle black across England separating it from Scotland, and then said” but we couldn’t afford something like that if we left the EU, could we?”

DT: To which I  replied, ” I have very deep pockets Mr. Johnson and if  you follow our plan to form the United States of England I feel that anything is possible.”

We now go home to Reporter Izzy Diggins who is currently observing a rant online from detectorist and Pseudo-Facebook politician Callum Loves.

‘Fuck it build the wall, I’m retreating north with a brigade of Bremain supporting left wing associates and we’re off to start a new Pict colony in Scotland and  I’m going to renounce my English citizenship. I’ve really had it with those closet racist, self- serving right wing fuck nuts, they’ve really done it this time voting for Brexit,Democracy just isn’t fair.  I’ve seen this coming for years and have been making preparations for the day that my dream of a new age Pict colony in the Grampian mountains on the edge of the highlands becomes a reality, and my ambition, no, My destiny is to rescue the British Isles from the English and put woad body art back on the cultural map. I also propose that Cornwall, Wales, and Ireland should follow suit in reforming the true Celtic nations and help fightback against the age old problem of English tyranny.’

For further information or to find employment paid a standard minimum wage on the Hadrian’s wall restoration project please contact Boris Johnson directly on twitter @BorisJohnson.

Syrian metal detectorists loot ancient sites across the EU “England is next”

With a growing number of Syrian migrants planning to enter the UK before the Brexit referendum, the notion that a large group of Syrian detectorists are slowly detecting their way across Europe in an effort to loot sites, sell the booty, and pay their way into the UK, is probably not an alarming one. But as we discovered on Facebook this morning the group have no intention of participating in responsible, EU regulated metal detecting and even boasted of their plans to loot ancient barrows and tumuli in the UK.

The group lead by a man named Aasif Fayada Haamid have been on the move for over 2 months after fleeing the war torn town of Al-Rastan in Syria which is strategically placed along the road linking Damascus and Aleppo and was once a Roman province. They have been looting burials and ancient sites armed with metal detectors and have regularly documented their activities on social media:

“We have just detectored site of ancient graves in Turkey and Abu believes they date to the Hittite era. Today was great success with lots of bronze artefacts and bundles of old pottery making an appearance, we should be able to sell this things and provide enough euros for us to continue our journey westwards through Bulgaria, maybe here we can find the illusive Bulgarian gold and then buy ourselves direct passage to Gatwick airport. Once we arrive there finally we can dig up the Tumuli and burials which we have discovered on old English treasure map which we think was written by a king called Ordnance Survey”

We Sent Paul McCoil to speak with Ceo of Ordnance Survey ltd Nigel Clifford who has dismissed claims that his maps could be offering direct means for refugees and other would be heritage criminals to locate and plunder ancient sites of importance.

“Look Paul, What people do with our maps is not mine nor the companies responsibility, and quite frankly I’m getting fed up with people blaming us for enabling Nighthawkers to go about their rotten business. We provide vital information to people of leisure from hikers to birdwatchers all over the country and promote a healthy outdoor lifestyle packed with adventure, obviously a few less reputable folks are going to take advantage of the fact we publish historical attractions in broad detail for them to visit, but unfortunately we cannot discriminate on who we sell our maps to. Now I’m very busy and don’t really have time for these low grade news stations, so that’s all your getting.

sharing fears of hundreds of female detectorists in the UK, DD’s own Anne Tickwitty gives her own thoughts on the matter.

” It’s utterly disgusting how these animals treat and view women, can we expect them to have any more respect for our heritage or detecting laws? I bloody well doubt it. If we don’t vote out I fear the Syrian migrants will penetrate the British detecting scene and women will no longer feel safe at rallies, and who can blame them? it’s bad enough we still have a few Brits stuck in the 1950’s and haven’t grasped the concept of equal rights, only last week I was out in a field just outside Codford in Wiltshire when a guy came up to me and…..

OK thanks Anne that’s enough on that one. The Daily Detectorist fully supports opening our boarders to Syrian detectorists,  but only if they swap their traditional clothing for camouflage and adopt our culture.

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Man arrested for nighthawking pleads rare sleepwalking condition.

A young man from Portsmouth in Hampshire identified as 19 year old Ben Aukin has been arrested on suspicion of digging at a scheduled monument and removing metallic objects through the illegal use of a metal detector. However, the young man is protesting his innocence  on medical grounds, claiming that the ‘nighthawking’ was due to a rare sleepwalking condition, which coupled with the fact he is a detectorist makes him vulnerable to biased speculation. Despite these protestations, the unemployed Hampshire man possesses a heinously long criminal record for acts such as mugging a 71 year old lady, kicking a swan to death, indecent exposure in a Gregg’s bakery, urinating in a church and numerous other offenses. Although he has only been metal detecting about 3 months, Mr Aukin has already accumulated a vast collection of rare ancient coins and artefacts. We Sent reporter Paul Mccoil to get a statement from Mr Aukin and to try and ascertain the truth behind this wholly bizarre story.

PM: So what’s the story, Mr Aukin?
BA: I just love metal detecting and all that history stuff n that, i ain’t interested in the money, who cares what it’s worth i just like to hold things in my hand and wonder how it got there.
PM: Can we stick to the incident in question please Mr Aukin, save it for the court room you aren’t convincing anyone here. Tell us about the sleepwalking condition and the events leading to you being out at night on a protected monument.
BA: Well I obviously have that rare disorder innit , “Sleep Hawking”, which only affects metal detectorists. Whereas your normal sleep walker may just go downstairs to the fridge for a snack, piss in a wardrobe, or simply get in bed with grandma and start groping her, us detectorists with a sleepwalking disorder just go into auto pilot, grab the machine, walk out to the nearest farm field and start swinging. It’s a real hindrance and I’m currently trying to convince my doctor to give me a Valium or perhaps a morphine prescription to keep me in the house at night. I even tried to get my girlfriend to handcuff me to the bed and stop me walking out of the door, though that didn’t work as I just wrenched the bedstead off and walked out. My GP is recommending that I give up metal detecting instead, that’s never going to happen unless I get an ASBO with curfew after my most recent case, but I’m not really permitted to discuss ongoing prosecution information with you in any detail. Anyway thanks Paul, I’ve got to sign on in half hour. Laters.

According to a spokesman from Hampshire police Mr Aukin’s defense is said to be pretty much non-existent and he’s likely to serve a full term jail sentence.
” The young man in question was indeed previously known to us through a variety of different cases, though this time he was caught red handed by officers at the site of a well known Roman temple in Hampshire. Our officers set up a stake out point equipped with state of the art thermal imaging equipment, and at around 11:30 pm Mr Aukin arrived at the scene with an accomplice. When the officers moved in to arrest the suspects they both ran off at full speed with the accomplice managing to successfully flee the scene, though Mr Aukin was rugby tackled to the floor and arrested, referring to one of the arresting officers as a ‘killjoy fucking tekkie molester’ before he was subdued. Officers later raided the house of the accused, and found a vast collection of items and circled locations on OS maps that were labeled ‘prime hawking spot’ in red pen”.
All in all, this rather sad situation seems indicative of the new ways in which nighthawkers will attempt to subvert authority and get away with their hobby. DD would like to remind any thinking of trying Mr Aukin’s dastardly tactics that there is nothing so scummy as impersonating a disabled person, and that the invention of fictional sleeping disorders is no defense when trespassing on a scheduled monument.

Battlefield recovery is coming to Hastings.

Battlefield Recovery, a channel 5 world war II history series following a four-man team as they explore war zones on the Eastern Front in an effort to excavate and preserve the forgotten battle relics, is set to delve deeper into the past and set sights towards home in England where they plan to locate and dig up the site of the famous battle which took place in 1066 at Hastings.

The regularly scorned TV series Battlefield Recovery (aka called Nazi war diggers) has sparked outrage throughout the archaeological world (again) by announcing in a tweet that the next series is going to be filmed at a battle site “on British soil and took place sometime around the date of 1066 in a location somewhere in East Sussex.” Within minutes the tweet was shared and bombarded by protesting semi-educated online trainee archaeologists of sorts which all seemed to think it must be referring to the battle of Hastings and they also shared a common idea that the excavation would never be allowed to go ahead. We Sent DD’s ancient warfare correspondent Mr.Claude.A.Savage to get an unofficial statement from channel 5 producers.

‘The boys are absolutely thrilled for the opportunity to get their hands on some real ancient battle relics, and where better to kick off the new series than the site of the world famous battle of Hastings in 1066. Time Team and channel 4 failed miserably in their attempt to pin point the exact battle site location so because of that we are turning the next series into a media battle between ourselves and channel 4. It won’t be a very tough victory either considering all that nonsense Time team suggested about Harold being at Caldbec Hill  before marching  off to meet his doom at the site of that mini roundabout, they only found one axe head in the area, hardly enough evidence to presume a battle had taken place there. We are expecting the usual critics, archaeologists, local historians and other general kill joys to be against our lads and what they are doing but if i may speak frankly, we just don’t care. If a few dead guys need to be dug up to increase channel 5  viewing statistics who gives a shit?  We like shows like this because they are self funded and until someone presents some kind of legal documentation proving that the battle field recovery team are breaking any laws, we will continue to air the show and may they plunder on.’

Not surprisingly the location featured in the new series has caused some controversy and clash of opinions right across the board, as DD’s Geroffe Moyland Reports:

‘ I am not overly fond of  Battlefield recovery, i don’t believe their methods are ethical nor motives genuine. The team ravaged a ww1 site in Somme where my Grandpapa Jerome Moyland had laid for years relatively in peace until they turned up with mechanical diggers, sledgehammers and other earth shattering devices to plunder battle sites which still remain sensitive among relatives of the deceased. I’m sick to death of the English thinking  can do what they want and  have some claim to our land through their degenerate ancestry line of royalty and that we have to be eternally grateful for the British bleeding on French shores to rescue us in ww2. Despite my usual disliking of battlefield recovery, at least in the Hastings episodes the cameras will be focusing on a battle which the French won.’

At this point Geroffe stormed out of the interview muttering smugly something about the battle of Morlaix in 1342 before informing our secretary Carol he was off to a XP public demonstration where they plan to showcase the Flintmaxx coils.

DD employees appear to have mixed views on this one, Paul McCoil and Geroffe Moyland eagerly await a chance to gloat over a rare defeat of the English on their own soil, Anne Tickwitty has joined a group of associates opposing the Hastings dig, whilst Phil Maholin assures us he has his pipe and slippers ready for the new series and will be tuning in to nit-pick and send in a report shortly after he’s finished listening to his weekly session of Mythbusters on radio 4.