The Daily Detectorist has recently been contacted by an ever increasing number of male readers concerned by the growing problem of untidy kitchens in the homes of detectorists. Now after an in depth investigation by investigative journalists investigating the issue, this international threat to health and safety has been blamed on the sharp increase in female participation in hobbies such as metal detecting and other outdoor hobbies traditionally associated with the male of the species. Since at least the Neolithic period women have always assumed the role of maintaining the home, be it cave, mud hut or modern day brick house, the female has always excelled in the role of housekeeper, but lately things seem to have changed. For the benefit of our loyal readership we sent our aging but intrepid roving reporter Phil Maholin, himself a keen detectorist, to speak to men currently affected by the global domestic crisis reportedly being caused by female hobbyists. Detectorist Nick Argent had this to say:
‘I used to love metal detecting, but now it’s just become another chore, and as much as I love my family, I used to enjoy the time away from them on my lonesome out in the fields. Since my wife Julie started ‘tectin’ the situation’s gone from bad to worse, she even brings the kids out metal detecting these days, and our household hygiene has suffered for it. The kitchen’s in a right state with unwashed crockery, cutlery and pots everywhere, all the stuff she used to get on with while I was out in the field. In the past I would have just got a cleaner in, but with so many members of our family all needing the latest Xp Deus gadgets, I simply can’t afford it.’
Echoing these sentiments, his fellow detectorist Doug R Landup was in a positively belligerent mood: ‘Listen, I’ll stand on my well known feminist credentials in any company, and I bow to no one in my commitment to women’s equality. Equal? Let me tell you, I would even go as far as to say that I wholeheartedly believe that in many very important areas of life women are undeniably superior to men. I mean obviously you wouldn’t want one doing the map reading or trying to change a plug, but when it comes to things like cleaning stuff up and cooking and washing things I think women are brilliant, ditto finding stuff that wasn’t there when you looked, and for anything to do with babies and kid’s issues women are simply the best aren’t they, and hey, all that stuff is just too important for men to be trusted with isn’t it? Leave us to go out and do the metal detecting I say, my kitchen is in a right state because the Mrs. is always gallivanting about out in the fields somewhere. Twice already this week I’ve got home from work and there’s been no dinner on the table, and I can’t find a clean pair of socks or pants anywhere. I think a bit less detecting and a little more disinfecting is what we need from our women!”
So in the interests of balanced argument Phil went out in the field and tracked down married female detectorist Anne Tickwitty, who agreed to record an interview in which he put these points to her, and we have to report that it’s bad news for male detectorists because she made it scandalously clear that she was in no hurry to return to her duties at home. This is a verbatim transcript of Phil’s incisive interrogation.
PM: ‘So Mrs. Tickwitty…’
PM: ‘I’m sorry…?’
AT: ‘It’s Ms. Tickwitty, I disapprove of these paternalistic distinctions.’
PM: ‘Oh… erm…, sorry about that… but…er…, well anyway, what can you tell us about this growing problem of women neglecting their domestic duties to go out metal detecting?’
AT: ‘Look if I want to come out detecting I damn well will, and the old man will just have to lump it, and anyway, I think a lot of it is really just about men worrying that we’ll find more than they do because let’s face it, if these useless blokes can’t even find a clean pair of socks or pants what chance are they going to have with that Saxon hoard or Viking treasure, best leave it to the girls I think.’
PM: ‘But… but… well I don’t think that’s really… that’s…erm…you’re being a little…erm… well… I mean… OK, then tell me Mrs…’
PM: ‘Sorry, Ms. Tickwitty, answer me this then, how is a man ever supposed to find a clean pair of socks or pants if his wife hasn’t washed any for God knows how long?’
AT:‘I suppose he could always chuck some in the washing machine himself couldn’t he?’
PM: ‘But I don’t know… I mean we don’t… I mean they don’t… erm… I mean that’s not, that’s… erm… it’s really a case of…I think I… …’
At this point our somewhat ‘old school’ reporter apparently found this offhand flippancy and disrespect from a ‘lady’ so shocking he was rendered speechless, and had to abandon the interview, take the rest of the afternoon off and go for a few drinks.
“Honestly I was so angry,” he lamented later, shaking his head in near despair.
“But of course I had to maintain my professional dignity and absolute impartiality as a journalist, even while fighting the urge to put the contrary little minx over my knee. Obviously that’s her husband’s job, but these days you’d probably get arrested for it wouldn’t you? It’s political correctness gone mad and no mistake, no wonder this country’s gone to the dogs. That’s another large one over here please Pete.”
Finally, it was suggested by a few of our correspondents that we could interview some of the female journalists here at The Daily Detectorist to get an inside slant on the issue, but unfortunately there aren’t any, so up to this point The Daily Detectorist is unable to offer its male readers very much consolation, and it appears you may just have to wash your own socks and clean your own kitchens. We’re currently taking our clothes down to the launderette once a week and leaving it with the lady there for a service wash and picking it up later. Easy, and only seven quid.