According to the Association of Representative Sports Events, Metal detecting has officially been declared an Olympic sport and is due to be on the agenda at the games taking place in Rio de Janeiro later this year, foreign correspondent Jéroffe Möyland reports.
The Association of Representative Sports Events (ARSE) have taken this revolutionary step due to intense lobbying from the NCMD and FID, who for decades have been clamouring against the flagrant exception of what they view as their inherent right to compete in. Several highly skilled British detectorists have been named as potential candidates to represent Team GB in the upcoming games, with speculated athletes including Morgan Hermitage, Gerry Smith, Andreas Fadge,and Leon Argent in the under 21’s. We sent Paul McCoil to ask detecting hotshot Andreas Fedge what he thinks about metal detecting as a competitive athletic sport and why it should be included in the games.
‘So Mr Fadge, give us your point of view.’
‘Well Paul, the fact that Metal Detecting did not exist in the 1890’s (when the Olympic games were reinstated-Ed.) is irrelevant. This is the modern day, for modern sports. I mean, if they were going to consider things like Horse Archery, Tiddlywinks, Chess and fucking Table Tennis, they can at least give the honour of allowing us to take part in a REAL physically exerting form of athletic exercise. I mean, it takes a very strong individual to swing a CTX for 8 hours straight, Hell i couldn’t do it, far more demanding than any of those bloody discus throwers and shot-putters. We metal detectorists have struggled for years for equal treatment on the front of competing in athletic sports, and I believe that 2016 will be our time to shine at the Rio games, with me as the frontman to lead Team GB to victory!’
Despite the initial impression of unity, when asked about the suitability of other prospective detecting champions, Mr Fadge threw his microphone across the room and referred to others hoping to compete as ‘a load of amateurs’, before storming out and kicking the resident DD cat. It is undecided whether the Olympics will allow teams from countries where metal detecting is completely banned (such as Bulgaria, Greece, Ireland and Cyprus) to enter the competition, although some have suggested this could be used as a method of rooting out illegal detectorists through the intervention of Interpol following on from undercover surveillance of the various events.
In more negative news surrounding inclusion of metal detecting into the games, various indigenous groups are up in arms about the suggested locations due to host the detecting events being in areas of possible Mayan habitation which hasn’t had any form of archaeological assesment. Among the disgruntled, Chief Kungchi Itchen Chitza of the Mayan peoples of Brazil organization has expressed considerable concern over the effect of awakening evil spirits from ritual metallic items buried in the ground and potential plundering of Mayan antiquities. Sadly, we are unable to show you the interview material we took of Chief Chitza, as he sadly terminated the interview and forced us to delete our recorded footage when we brought up his alleged previous convictions for peddling in illicit Brazilian antiquities. Despite this, while travelling through the countryside this morning, the fact that many of the indigenous inhabitants could be seen sharpening their spears and making placards with rude slogans targeting many of the prominent individual detectorists who are known to have expressed an interest in competing is certainly indicative of the fact that within the indigenous groups resident in the area, the inclusion of detecting as an Olympic sport is decidedly unpopular. DD has no idea as of yet as to the nature of the events or schedules that will take place in Rio, but we promise to update you when we know more.