Metal detecting banned in Dorset after discovery of rare ‘Jurassic worm’.

It comes with great sorrow to the disconcerted news team at the Daily Detectorist to announce that Metal Detecting has been completely banned by all county councils and farmer’s unions in Dorset after an intense campaigning effort by the self described ‘hippie vegan social-justice-warrior wormkin’ movement ‘Justice For Worms’.

The ban, which has sparked controversy and anger among many metal detecting enthusiasts, comes after a fisherman off the Dorset coast caught a rare previously unseen species of worm in his nets over 30cm long early last week. Subsequent investigations by DEFRA, the Natural History Museum and the Environment Agency concluded that the species was previously unknown to science, and revealed that it has taken a liking to cultivated land on farm fields as well as sites of ancient human habitation in Dorset, having destroyed part of the earthworks of Maiden Castle after a particularly rampant breeding season in December. Although the worms’ damage to physical buildings has been relatively low, some predict that their activities could lead to towns like Weymouth slowly subsiding into the sea within the next decade. Several days after its identification as a new species previously unknown to science, the Jurassic Worm was designated as a protected species by all major wildlife organisations such as the RSPB and RSPCA. The new species has been named Squirmium Giganticum Jurassicum in honour of Professor B Squirmy of the worm studies department based at Exeter college Oxford, and has been designated as belonging to the genus Phoronida.

John Wriggles, leader of Justice for Worms, had this to say on the issue.

‘We had long suspected that species such as this Jurassic Worm had existed, but had no solid proof until now. This catch by a local fisherman has catapulted our dodgily funded organisation specialising in the blackballing and discrediting of all opposition using Cambodian hookers, BDSM toys and crude framing tactics to the forefront of all the UK social justice groups. We believe (and also by default believe that the worms would support us in this if they could talk) that the lot of the Jurassic Worm in Dorset is a poor one. Detectorists trotting all over the landscape digging holes, destroying vital worm habitat and wiping out whole colonies every metal detecting rally. If this goes unchecked then the consequences could be dire for the species ! Worms have rights too and if Dorset metal detectorists are so pissed off with the rightful decision that has been made then maybe they should just take their business to Hampshire or Sussex instead.’

Mr Wriggles’ remarks have caused a great deal of controversy, and indeed a number of pro-detectorist landowners who disagree with his remarks have already begun leading protests against the ban, we sent Paul McCoil to interview Mr Andrew Malcolms of the Dorset and West Artefact Finders for his perspective. When we initially turned up at his home address, we found it deserted and boarded up, but after some general inquiries found Mr Malcolms five miles away leading a crowd of glum and trudging detectorists eastwards towards the Hampshire border on what has become known as ‘the great detecting trail of tears’, some with spotted handkerchiefs knotted onto their T2s and Deuses carrying vital food supplies or spare batteries.

‘So Andrew, what’s going on here?’ ‘Well Paul I am leading my people to the promised land, There’s nothing here left for us any more, not since eight people were seriously assaulted by wildlife campaigners in the last week and everyone left in Dorset is just detecting at night to worm their way around the ban. No, Hampshire is the new place for us, and nothing will stop us in our quest for honest and fair detecting. Mind you, we will have to re-name the club the Hampshire and East Artefact Finders , but at least we will still all be together.’ Mr Malcolms broke off the interview with tears in his eyes, and we left him sobbing by the wayside, comforted by his detecting partners as hundreds of dejected Dorset detectorists shuffled past on the road eastwards, shadowed by armed members of farmer’s unions and heckled all the way by masked Justice For Worms protestors who flung rotting vegetables and brickbats. In recent hours we have heard that attempted incursions by Dorset detectorists fleeing their homeland along the borders of the county have been repulsed by violent assaults from hooded bands of Hampshire detectorists, although these reports are completely unconfirmed.

Metal detecting declared a sport for the 2016 olympic games in Rio.

According to the Association of Representative Sports Events, Metal detecting has officially been declared an Olympic sport and is due to be on the agenda at the games taking place in Rio de Janeiro later this year, foreign correspondent Jéroffe Möyland reports.

The Association of Representative Sports Events (ARSE) have taken this revolutionary step due to intense lobbying from the NCMD and FID, who for decades have been clamouring against the flagrant exception of what they view as their inherent right to compete in. Several highly skilled British detectorists have been named as potential candidates to represent Team GB in the upcoming games, with speculated athletes including Morgan Hermitage, Gerry Smith,  Andreas Fadge,and Leon Argent in the under 21’s. We sent Paul McCoil to ask detecting hotshot Andreas Fedge what he thinks about metal detecting as a competitive athletic sport and why it should be included in the games.

‘So Mr Fadge, give us your point of view.’

‘Well Paul, the fact that Metal Detecting did not exist in the 1890’s (when the Olympic games were reinstated-Ed.) is irrelevant. This is the modern day, for modern sports. I mean, if they were going to consider things like Horse Archery, Tiddlywinks, Chess and fucking Table Tennis, they can at least give the honour of allowing us to take part in a REAL physically exerting form of athletic exercise. I mean, it takes a very strong individual to swing a CTX for 8 hours straight, Hell i couldn’t do it, far more demanding than any of those bloody discus throwers and shot-putters. We metal detectorists have struggled for years for equal treatment on the front of competing in athletic sports, and I believe that 2016 will be our time to shine at the Rio games, with me as the frontman to lead Team GB to victory!’

Despite the initial impression of unity, when asked about the suitability of other prospective detecting champions, Mr Fadge threw his microphone across the room and referred to others hoping to compete as ‘a load of amateurs’, before storming out and kicking the resident DD cat. It is undecided whether the Olympics will allow teams from countries where metal detecting is completely banned (such as Bulgaria, Greece, Ireland and Cyprus) to enter the competition, although some have suggested this could be used as a method of rooting out illegal detectorists through the intervention of Interpol following on from undercover surveillance of the various events.

In more negative news surrounding inclusion of metal detecting into the games, various indigenous groups are up in arms about the suggested locations due to host the detecting events being in areas of possible Mayan habitation which hasn’t had any form of archaeological assesment. Among the disgruntled, Chief Kungchi Itchen Chitza of the Mayan peoples of Brazil organization has expressed considerable concern over the effect of awakening evil spirits from ritual metallic items buried in the ground and potential plundering of Mayan antiquities. Sadly, we are unable to show you the interview material we took of Chief Chitza, as he sadly terminated the interview and forced us to delete our recorded footage when we brought up his alleged previous convictions for peddling in illicit Brazilian antiquities. Despite this, while travelling through the countryside this morning, the fact that many of the indigenous inhabitants could be seen sharpening their spears and making placards with rude slogans targeting many of the prominent individual detectorists who are known to have expressed an interest in competing is certainly indicative of the fact that within the indigenous groups resident in the area, the inclusion of detecting as an Olympic sport is decidedly unpopular. DD has no idea as of yet as to the nature of the events or schedules that will take place in Rio, but we promise to update you when we know more.

Detektorbitz release ‘Jane Allen’ metal detector just in time for Christmas sales.

Tony Chunt, the owner of ‘detektorbits’  has released a machine  just in time for christmas, solely for use by women and homosexuals, DD’s Jeroffé Möyland reports.

The detector is unique in that it has been painted a bright pink colour, with a leopard-print control box cover and glitter-covered shaft included as optional attire. In addition to these aesthetic features, the machine also boasts a hidden compartment within which female detectorists can store their make-up and nail grooming kit. The machine, called the ‘Jane Allen Special MK I’, has been specially designed as to be extra light for the delicate feminine hands that will be using them. In addition, the display of the detector has been simplified, so as to prevent female detectorists from arguing with the old man about how good a signal is. The control box is automatically set to the correct settings in order to save time and prevent pointless bickering, and the LCD screen simply displays the words ‘DIG’ or ‘DON’T DIG’, a development Mr Chunt assures us will revolutionise the world of female metal detecting. A basic alarm system is also present, which can be set by spouses to alert the female user when it is time for dinner, washing, ironing, or simply a nice blowjob.

We sent overly controversial reporter Paul McCoil to interview Mr.Chunt

‘So tone, when conjuring up your latest marketing ploy, did you take into account the fact that the name ‘Jane Allen’ sounds awfully close to the long established detecting brand ‘Joan Allen?’

‘ Of course I took it into account, it’s the root of the whole operation. People will trust the Jane Allen associating it with the absolutely squeeky clean  reputation of Joan Allen , Furthermore, there’s not a damned thing anyone can do about it seeing as I’ve registered the new company in some awfully deprived hovel with low paid workers to exploit somewhere in the arsehole of China. I also got fed up with seeing all these uppity female detectorists out there, so I decided to corner the market and bring out a machine specifically designed for them that is so simple even a cat could use it. I personally think there are too many women in this hobby, but if you can’t get rid of them you might as well profit from them.’

Mr Chunt cut short his interview with us after Pussy Riot, the infamous Russian feminist band notorious for their hard stance, burst into the room and accused Mr Chunt of rampant sexism as well as using cheap labour to produce his machines. Mr Chunt, encumbered somewhat by his Christmas Elf outfit that he has taken to wearing in order to brighten up his demeanour, fled the scene into a waiting car, shouting a few words in Cantonese as he sped off.

Despite all the controversies surrounding the new machine, the Jane Allen seems set to take the female and gay detecting world by storm. However, only after its release will the full story be known. DD intends to review the machine in the New Year and report on its findings post haste. The retail price of £999.99 includes a set of nail grooming tools and avon vouchers, also courtesy of Mr Chunt’s own manufacturers.

 

Metal detecting Facebook Group owner shuts down group following Sikh backlash.

When Martin Lees set up the Southern Seekers Facebook group some years ago, no one had any idea what conflict raged within him. Our foreign correspondent Jeroffé Möyland, was originally intending to interview Mr Lees about the success of the group, but instead was on the receiving end of a chilling confession that is poised to shake the metal detecting world.

It has come to light that the group ‘Southern Seekers’ was never meant to exist, at least not in the form that many of the original members would feel familiar with today. Originally, Mr Lees claims that due to the high proportion of Sikh detectorists in Dorset (who maintain a low profile due to the discriminatory antics of several major clubs), the group was originally to be called ‘Southern Sikhers’, a group designed specifically for these Sikh detectorists to join so that they might come together in a place of safety. Such measures, he argued, were necessary after the submission of the weekend wonderers , Dorset Detectors and Midweek Seekers to the demands of Islamic detectorists who insisted on the use of prayer mats when taking part in club digs. According to a statement from Mr Trezpas Singh, Mr Lees made a number of secret promises to the Sikh detecting community in Dorset, including free Garret pro-pointers for all and a promotional discount of 7.5% on all Detectorbits products. Mr Trezpas Singh states that these promises were received with some trepidation, and many finally came to the belief that the repressed Sikh detecting community might just be able to step into the light without fear of attack from any of a number of detecting clubs. However, it was not to be. In his shocking revelation to us, Mr Lees explains what happened next.

‘Everything was planned. The discounts were sorted out, the celebratory curry was brewing, the beer was chilling in the fridge, and I had just finished applying some anti-fungal foot cream in anticipation of watching “Gone With the Wind”. My wife Joan was setting up the group on Facebook,  I heard her call me, saying it was ready. When I saw the group name on the laptop I recoiled in horror, she’d named the group ‘Southern Seekers’ in a fit of bad spelling. Of course I was utterly horrified, but what could I do? The group was made. Its destiny had been wrenched firmly from my grasp and from the grasp of the Sikh community.’

However, this was not the end of the story. Today, we received information that the Southern Seekers group was closing down. As of yet, we are unsure of the exact circumstances that surround this controversial decision. Some have speculated that the group was infiltrated by undercover Sikh detectorists posing as various reputable members of the detecting community through the medium of cloned Facebook accounts, although these claims are thus far unsubstantiated. We promise to bring you more on this story as soon as possible.

Prince Charles moves forward with plans to charge £120 for beach metal detecting permit.

With the new full Tory government in place, David Cameron has given the nod for the delighted Prince Charles to move forward with his long desired schemes of charging metal detectorists to search any land in the United Kingdom that he holds a duchy.
For Decades, the heir to the throne of England has relentlessly pushed for the idea of charging detectorists to try and rapaciously scrape more money from his duchies in Cornwall and Wales, and he allegedly believes that £120 a month is a fair price to pay for a hobby that regularly gives financial return. After a special secret meeting at the house of lords attended by all seat holders, David Cameron, and Prince Charles, a decision was passed with immediate effect, that a metal detecting license is now required by law to search all beaches in Cornwall and Wales and detectorists should apply online at www. metaldetecting.gov at once to avoid prosecution. David Cameron was also heard discussing plans to build on and extend Charles’s ideas :

“Why should we stop in Cornwall and Wales Charles, and why couldn’t we be charging detectorists to search inland areas as well ? If we could be cynically profiteering from these plebs around the rest of the country, clawing away desperately in sand and mud for loose change and benefiting from the misfortune of others. All too often I hear harrowing tales of precious items being lost at the beach, be it by newly weds on a honeymoon love romp, or people in mourning that have lost items of sentimental value belonging to passed loved ones, each case results in a happy metal detectorist, and a victim of theft by finding, I say we charge these bastards to the hilt.”

Plans are now afoot to roll out the scheme over the rest of the UK by 2017, with trials in Dorset and Somerset starting early next year. Prince Charles has made it publicly known that he also wishes to make it an offence against the crown to detect on his duchy’s without a permit, as well as claiming personal ownership of any incoming valuables he chooses found anywhere he currently holds a duchy, and wants to personally oversee them all and choose at his own leisure.

Prince Charles is also under attack from the NCMD (National council of metal detecting) which has stepped in with a petition signed by amateur and professional detectorists from around the globe, including all major distributors, manufacturers, magazines and media sources including the Daily Detectorist, and every major Facebook group excluding “Dig this!” which pulled out of the petition , and also made it a ”group kick-able offence” to sign the petition, following a dispute with the NCMD over them not being interested in being an affiliate sponsor of the group. A desperate bid was also made via ritual ceremonies performed by the Druidic Council of Cornwall because the lands on which Prince Charles holds his duchy’s are heavily Celtic in history and they expressed the opinion that ‘Prince Charles has no business claiming ownership rights of Celtic grave goods,ritual items and votive offerings of any nature because he is a Christian and his ancestors were of Pagan Anglo Saxon descent anyway’.

Chicago Ron organizes metal detecting rally in ancient Syrian city of Palmyra.

Rogue metal detecting rally organizer Chicago Ron, known for organizing metal detecting trips for overly enthusiastic American treasure hunters willing to pay big bucks to plunder world heritage sites, has now given confirmation for an exclusive dig at the ancient city of Palmyra in Syria.

Chicago Ron’s activities have recently come under fire after upsetting indignant Brits all over the United Kingdom by stealing long standing permissions from locals and dragging sacks of English antiquities back to America. He has yet again come under scrutiny via social media sites with many claiming the Palmyra rally due to take place is another ‘dodgy permission’. Others claim that Chicago Ron made a deal with Isis militants before their invasion of the city on the condition that all finds pre-dating Islam are removed, never mentioned and certainly not handed in to any finds liaison officers to go through a process of recording.

The land, which Ron claims is completely virgin undetected ground, has several dozen acres of goat grazing pasture and 8000 acres of rough opium poppy stubble packed with goodies. The area is steeped in ancient history and Ron guarantees attendants won’t go home empty handed.

Isis militants have not held back in taking full credit for arranging the dig and taking a percentage cut of all finds. They have also posted a new video of themselves destroying Syrian artifacts in a bid to encourage detectorists to get over to the dig as it will be the last chance to detect there before all Syrian heritage is destroyed.

Ron denies the dig is dangerous, but  refuses to take any responsibility for any injuries incurred and advises all attending the dig to take care of their own insurance. For further information regarding dig details Americans should contact Ron directly, while UK residents wishing to attend should contact Anjem Choudary, who is taking care of Isis dig administration in Europe.

Minelab Go-find range set to feature anti-nighthawking technology.

Leading metal detector manufacturers Minelab have announced they have finally come up with a revolutionary idea to put an end to Nighthawking, (the act of illegally hunting for treasure and plundering ancient monuments under the cover of darkness). The hugely anticipated Go-Find range is designed to give a light and easy to use detector similar to other machines currently on the market, but at a more affordable price, and is set to feature the world’s first anti-nighthawking technology. We sent ace reporter Paul McCoil to take a statement from Minelab:

‘We’ve been working closely with archeologists and scientists, and together we have finally come up with a way to tackle nighthawks. For too long they’ve been dragging the names of honest, law abiding detecting folk through the mud, and we’re proud to announce that we’re the ones to finally bring an end to heritage crime.
What we’ve come up with is solar-power only technology which requires the sun to be out at all times for the machine to function. It won’t even turn on after dark, no batteries are required and there is no need to charge it, making it impossible to use the machine at night. We’re a little annoyed with ourselves that we didn’t think of it sooner, but also pleased that XP didn’t beat us to it, it’s an obvious solution to an on-going problem. The British Museum has publicly given full support to the new machine, even going so far as to suggest that all detectors without anti-nighthawking technology should be phased out and made illegal after the election is over, and our recently returned, veteran reporter and keen detectorist Phil Maholin wholeheartedly agrees:

‘I think all responsible parties should be lobbying parliament on this one, as soon as this upcoming election nonsense is out of the way and we all know which rich, over- privileged, silver spoon fed ex-public school, university-educated posh boy who’s never done a proper day’s work outside of politics in his life and his similar bunch of crooked, greedy, lying, self-serving Bullingdon club cronies that our uneducated, semi-indifferent and ill-informed electorate has chosen to pretend to run the country on behalf of the multi-national corporations for the next five years, and don’t even get me started on…’
Ok thanks Phil, that’s enough on that one, the cheque’s in the post.

Now plans are afoot to push other manufacturers to follow suit with their own anti-nighthawking products by 2017. The British Museum refused to provide The Daily Detectorist with a statement, so we sent our maverick jobbing reporter Robin Fields to ask Paul Barford of English Heritage his views, unfortunately Paul was unavailable for an interview but he sent this statement by e-mail:

‘Well, obviously, I’m happy that there will at least be some hours in the day, when these detectorist vermin will be unable to vandalise our heritage. But I think my views regarding detectorists, of any ilk, are well known, and whether they have the unmitigated audacity to brazenly plunder our cultural heritage in broad daylight, or whether they choose to skulk about illegally, like rats under the cover of darkness, in pursuit of their illgotten(sic) artifacts, they need to be stopped, let’s face it they’re no better than genocidal murderers, rapists and child molesters are they, and you wouldn’t say to them, “It’s alright as long as you do it in the daytime,” would you?’ well anyway, if you want to find out more you can read my blog yourself.

http://paul-barford.blogspot.co.uk/2015/02/police-issue-warning-over-hadrians-wall.html

The Minelab go-find range will be available in all good, honest, reputable metal detecting retailers in the UK later this month starting from R.R.P £240*

*Not available at Joan Allen.