Man pissed off at paying £20 to metal detect and not find anything.

A middle-aged man from South Yorkshire is due to appear in court following a violent incident which occurred at a metal detecting rally near Dinnington where witnesses reported a man had gone “totally fucking mental” and smashed up several cars before wheel spinning out of the field, hurling a torrent of verbal abuse and a partially eaten corned beef-salad sandwich out of his car window at organizers as he made a hasty retreat from the scene.

Mr. Doug Witherspoon, a 57-year-old semi-retired part-time car salesman from Doncaster, has tried to dispute the charges of criminal damage on grounds of diminished responsibility as he had forgotten to take his medication that day and as a result was under the false impression that by paying £20 to attend a metal detecting rally he should be 100 % guaranteed to find something noteworthy and of considerable age. We sent Mr.Witherspoon an invitation to attend an interview with Paul McCoil at DD headquarters which he graciously accepted.

PM: So Doug, would you care to give us your version of the events which occurred at the rally last week?

DW: Well basically Paul I arrived at the dig and paid the man the sum of twenty pounds to attend and felt for that kind of money I should have been entitled to find an item with a value which exceeded the entrance cost. I swung for almost four hours with only two buttons to show for my labor and slowly started to get an overwhelming sense of frustration. These feelings intensified throughout the day, normally a few puffs on my digital nicotine vaporizer would be enough to calm me down but I then realized my stupid bitch of a wife Sandra forgot to pack my medication in the lunch box and from that moment I just knew an emotional outburst was imminent. I’m deeply sorry for the damages which I inflicted to the vehicles but truly believe the club should cough up the bill as it’s their fault I got angry.

PM: That’s absurd, isn’t the whole nature of the hobby about the wheel of chance, the luck of the draw?

DW:  NO, not for twenty quid it’s not, Aren’t you listening? All I found that day was two stinking buttons, I’m sick to death of these clubs charging me top dollar to find fuck all every weekend, things are getting pretty tight at home since the used car industry went into decline. What these so-called clubs are doing is literally daylight robbery and if I don’t find something valuable at a rally soon I will almost certainly turn to night time robbery.

PM: Is that off record Mr. Witherspoon I assume you are insinuating an interest in taking up night hawking as a result of not finding much at rallies?

DW: Look I’m just saying, I pay my way and feel I should be rewarded with the goods once in a while, the fact I’m using a £60 Meplins detector should be irrelevant,  it’s a perfectly capable machine and it even says “Professional metal detector” on the box, no, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this machine and I have complete and utter faith in the old girl, and Meplins as an undisputed reputable brand known for producing good quality, affordable metal detectors of the very highest standards.

PM: Can’t say I’ve ever heard good things said about Meplins, quite the contrary in fact.

DW: I hear enough of these negative remarks at the digs, I’ll be buggered if I’ll sit here listening to you insulting me, it’s not like your shoddy Aunt Sally establishment is paying me for this.

PM: No need to get Angry Doug, it’s this kind of behavior which got you into this mess in the first place.

At this point Mr. Witherspoon lunged for Reporter Paul McCoil wielding a fountain pen and had to be restrained by Phil Maholin and Jerome Moyland who were luckily both present in the DD’s slightly dilapidated, and Contrived shared office block at the time of the interview and were able to escort him off the premises in a no-nonsense fashion which consequently terminated the interview prematurely.

To get further insight into the actions of the perpetrator we sent Anne Tickwitty to speak with a fellow detectorist and friend of Mr. Witherspoon’s who was also present at the rally.

“Who Doug? Yes, I know him, but let’s not be too hasty, I certainly wouldn’t refer to him as a friend nor even an acquaintance. If the truth is told I think the man’s neurotic and I really can’t stand the bloke, he gets on everyone’s tits on a regular basis,  he never listens to any advice and continues to keep using that cheap Meplins detector and all he ever seems to find is plough shears and coke cans. Two hoards came off the field at the rally in question and he stills blames everybody apart from himself. He’s been banned by three clubs this year due to his irrational outbursts and I would have it known publicly that I’m trying to dis-associate myself with him and his issues.

Doug Witherspoon is likely to get a hefty fine, a few hundred hours community service and maybe even a prison sentence, we promise to keep readers updated as we find out more.

 

Summer beach detectorists actually just checking out chicks.

In the peak of the summer months metal detectorists flock to the coast for a spot of beach detecting with many doing so simply to cash in from jewelry and money lost by people enjoying themselves in the sun, others because their favorite cultivated farm fields are currently in crop and out of bounds until after the harvest. But according to a woman from Newquay in Cornwall,  a network of beach detectorists are using the hobby merely as a disguise to gaze upon sparsely dressed women at seaside resorts throughout the country.

We sent Paul Mccoil to speak with female Cornish surfer Sandy Cox to get the scoop on the matter.

PM:Sandy, do you believe metal detectorists are genuinely searching for lost coins and jewelry or just using the hobby as a means to spy on women freely?

SC:Obviously some of them are bound to be in it for the money, but all too often I’ve seen suspicious looking characters with metal detectors at popular surfing destinations all over the world skulking around with a peculiar and insincere look about them. We have one in my area who’s always lurking around at Great western beach and he has been spotted glaring at women on several occasions. In one incident I was the victim, he called me over and asked me to take a look in his finds pouch, when I looked inside i was confronted with  a strange looking object which vaguely resembled a small shriveled up human penis, it was at that moment i realized he had made a hole in his finds pouch and was exposing his genitals to me. I reported him to the police and he was arrested at the scene and was served a caution for indecent exposure, but he was back at it within 6 months and I just decided to start surfing at other beaches.

We now go over to the accused, well known beach detectorist and resident of Crackington Haven, 59 year old Wayne King.

“Do these stupid bimbo’s think I’d waste my time down here digging up ring pulls, tin foil and a couple of quid all day ? Get serious buddy, the real treasure down the beaches is all the hot totty on display. They come out in droves in the summer and there isn’t many activities where i can walk up and down the beach wearing sunglasses without arousing suspicion of  being a perv or a pedo these days, but Metal detecting is a great way of concealing my true intentions. Below I have compiled a sure shot list with 8 tips to help other beach detectorists maximize their chances of hitting the jackpot.

  1. Always carry gold rings, all women go weak at the knees upon the site of gold jewelry, particularly examples with diamonds in.
  2. If a broad asks if you’ve found anything, slip the ring onto her finger, ask if she’ll marry you, and then laugh, gets em every time.
  3. Your walk is everything, keep your center of gravity low,flick out you hips at the end of each swing, don’t be afraid to show off your thrust.
  4. Always wear headphones, it’s not essential for beach detecting but if an ugly chick tries to communicate you can pretend to not hear them.
  5. Always leave holes unfilled and hover around them, should a damsel in distress happen to take a tumble, you can be the first on the scene to help them back to their feet.
  6. If you have the physique, detect shirtless and show off those abs.
  7. Always wear mirrored shades and I can’t stress this enough. Should some feminist type be out for a swim, she will be the first to accuse you of undressing her with your eyes.
  8. Always keep a bottle of sun cream handy and offer to apply it on lounging sun bathers and don’t be afraid to go straight for the breasts.

According to almost every governing body within the hobby, proper detectorists search in the countryside and we urge the public to call 991 immediately should they see any suspicious looking characters carrying a metal detector on a beach.

 

 

 

Boris Johnson to rebuild Hadrian’s wall if Scotland gain UK independence.

In the wake of the impending possibility of a Scottish separation from the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson has suggested that repairing Hadrian’s wall and raising it by several hundred feet could be a permanent and cost effective way of keeping those pesky Pict’s in the mountains where they belong. We Sent DD’s patriotic yet impartial and well-spoken resident Scotsman Paul McCoil to a conference in Westminster to take a statement from the future prime minister.

‘I’ve had it up to my fringe with that wasp chewing Scottish bulldog Nicola Sturgeon, if she believes Scotland can cope alone without subsistence from England’s royal treasury she clearly has delusions of grandeur. For starters everybody knows the Scots are considered moderately unenthusiastic when pertaining to being parted from hard earned money and from an economical perspective that’s a critically flawed foundation to build an empire on, and lest we forget England has been the dominant country in the United Kingdom love story since a time long before the stone age. Obviously the Aberdeen angus beef market which makes up around 50% of Scotland’s exports is likely to have a knock on effect on the economy, but I say let’s eat English beef, yes it’s riddled with BSE and bovine TB, and even occasionally mixed with horse meat at the hands of corporate owned supermarket giants, but we must start looking closer to home at our farmers for help, and support our economy by shopping locally. Stop drinking Scotch whiskey and reach for a bottle of traditional English cider made from home-grown apples, Ditch the overly-intensively farmed Scottish salmon and swap for native river dwelling fish such as rainbow trout, and speaking of which, I believe Nicola Sturgeon (who I like to secretly call Shaveheart because of her moustache) has said things so unforgivable that our countries relationship is now beyond repair. I suggest that a complete overhaul of the UK is in order and we will be renaming the confederation to ” The United States of England”. If elected as the new conservative leader I promise that as your leader, the first thing i will do for the country is repair, rebuild, and reshape various sections of the old Roman structure Hadrian’s wall, and force the Scots back up the high road. I also plan to raise the wall by a further 200 Feet, improving the design and modifying the original foundations. With full financial and emotional support from America I am certain that together we can divide England from Scotland and live separately as we once did in Roman times.

Unconvinced by Boris’s claims We Sent DD’s Anne Tickwitty over to speak with Donald Trump

DT: Hiya toots, fancy coming back to the hotel for a drink after the interview?

Stage manager: MR TRUMP THE MICROPHONE IS ON!

DT: God Dammit what is it with you British reporters, what do you want I’m incredibly busy?

AT: Is it true you’re financially and emotionally backing the reformation of the British confederation and renaming it to the United States of England?

DT: Sure why not, we buy our beef from Brazil and apart from my golf course which I plan to make an independent state within Scotland, I feel the country has nothing more to offer America, I mean c’mon the dudes wear the skirts and the chicks wear the trousers.

AT: Are you supporting the massive refurbishment operation involved in reconstructing Hadrian’s wall?

DT: Yes, yes I am. The idea came to us when Boris joined me for dinner one evening at my London apartment in Islington, he stayed for few a few hours and talked about politics and life, we then watched an episode of Game of thrones when around half way through the show he jokingly suggested building a wall as large as the one at castle black across England separating it from Scotland, and then said” but we couldn’t afford something like that if we left the EU, could we?”

DT: To which I  replied, ” I have very deep pockets Mr. Johnson and if  you follow our plan to form the United States of England I feel that anything is possible.”

We now go home to Reporter Izzy Diggins who is currently observing a rant online from detectorist and Pseudo-Facebook politician Callum Loves.

‘Fuck it build the wall, I’m retreating north with a brigade of Bremain supporting left wing associates and we’re off to start a new Pict colony in Scotland and  I’m going to renounce my English citizenship. I’ve really had it with those closet racist, self- serving right wing fuck nuts, they’ve really done it this time voting for Brexit,Democracy just isn’t fair.  I’ve seen this coming for years and have been making preparations for the day that my dream of a new age Pict colony in the Grampian mountains on the edge of the highlands becomes a reality, and my ambition, no, My destiny is to rescue the British Isles from the English and put woad body art back on the cultural map. I also propose that Cornwall, Wales, and Ireland should follow suit in reforming the true Celtic nations and help fightback against the age old problem of English tyranny.’

For further information or to find employment paid a standard minimum wage on the Hadrian’s wall restoration project please contact Boris Johnson directly on twitter @BorisJohnson.

Syrian metal detectorists loot ancient sites across the EU “England is next”

With a growing number of Syrian migrants planning to enter the UK before the Brexit referendum, the notion that a large group of Syrian detectorists are slowly detecting their way across Europe in an effort to loot sites, sell the booty, and pay their way into the UK, is probably not an alarming one. But as we discovered on Facebook this morning the group have no intention of participating in responsible, EU regulated metal detecting and even boasted of their plans to loot ancient barrows and tumuli in the UK.

The group lead by a man named Aasif Fayada Haamid have been on the move for over 2 months after fleeing the war torn town of Al-Rastan in Syria which is strategically placed along the road linking Damascus and Aleppo and was once a Roman province. They have been looting burials and ancient sites armed with metal detectors and have regularly documented their activities on social media:

“We have just detectored site of ancient graves in Turkey and Abu believes they date to the Hittite era. Today was great success with lots of bronze artefacts and bundles of old pottery making an appearance, we should be able to sell this things and provide enough euros for us to continue our journey westwards through Bulgaria, maybe here we can find the illusive Bulgarian gold and then buy ourselves direct passage to Gatwick airport. Once we arrive there finally we can dig up the Tumuli and burials which we have discovered on old English treasure map which we think was written by a king called Ordnance Survey”

We Sent Paul McCoil to speak with Ceo of Ordnance Survey ltd Nigel Clifford who has dismissed claims that his maps could be offering direct means for refugees and other would be heritage criminals to locate and plunder ancient sites of importance.

“Look Paul, What people do with our maps is not mine nor the companies responsibility, and quite frankly I’m getting fed up with people blaming us for enabling Nighthawkers to go about their rotten business. We provide vital information to people of leisure from hikers to birdwatchers all over the country and promote a healthy outdoor lifestyle packed with adventure, obviously a few less reputable folks are going to take advantage of the fact we publish historical attractions in broad detail for them to visit, but unfortunately we cannot discriminate on who we sell our maps to. Now I’m very busy and don’t really have time for these low grade news stations, so that’s all your getting.

sharing fears of hundreds of female detectorists in the UK, DD’s own Anne Tickwitty gives her own thoughts on the matter.

” It’s utterly disgusting how these animals treat and view women, can we expect them to have any more respect for our heritage or detecting laws? I bloody well doubt it. If we don’t vote out I fear the Syrian migrants will penetrate the British detecting scene and women will no longer feel safe at rallies, and who can blame them? it’s bad enough we still have a few Brits stuck in the 1950’s and haven’t grasped the concept of equal rights, only last week I was out in a field just outside Codford in Wiltshire when a guy came up to me and…..

OK thanks Anne that’s enough on that one. The Daily Detectorist fully supports opening our boarders to Syrian detectorists,  but only if they swap their traditional clothing for camouflage and adopt our culture.

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Disgruntled Swine specialists Roman lead pig horror.

 

Bishompton veterinary practice (often considered one of the top swine specialist services in Somerset) have this morning revealed their frustration and disappointment at finding out the recently discovered Roman lead ingot which is being commonly referred to as a ” pig ” has absolutely nothing in common with a pig nor any other member of the genus sus type within the suidae family of even-toed ungulates.

The mix up seems to have upset the chairman of the practice Mr Nigel Hogg, who contacted the DD office via email

‘Dear the Daily Detectorist, I am contacting you in regards to the Roman lead pig recently discovered by metal detectorist Jason Butcher. I hear the words “nationally important roman pig made of lead found in Somerset”, and suddenly I’m overwhelmed with joy and start dreaming of giant pig statues in the Museum of Somerset with me cutting the ribbon at the opening ceremony. You know i would have been the right man for the job, as my family have been leading the way on swine research in the Taunton area for over 12 generations and it’s a tad ironic that a nationally important pig artefact gets found on my doorstep, but as I now know this whole thing has nothing to do with pigs nor any other animal for that matter. From what I’ve read, I believe it to be just a lead bar stamped with some inscriptions? Please tell Phil Maholin to forget everything I suggested in my previous email apart from the section relating to my theory on the supposed she-wolf depicted with Romulus and Remus actually being a close relative of the wild boar family known locally as Amanuensis. They can still be found roaming in plentiful numbers around the untamed countryside of Maremma in Tuscany. Yours Sincerely Nigel Hogg.

We now go over to Paul Mccoil who is deciphering fact from fiction over in Somerset trying to ascertain whether the lead ingot has any connection with pigs, or whether someone is telling porkies.

‘Well, the 2ft (60cm) ingot dates from 164 AD and is inscribed with the name of emperor Marcus Aurelius. It is said to have a direct connection with the roman lead mining industry in Somerset. A number of leading Roman antiquarians believe the ingot may have been referred to as a pig due to it weighing roughly the same amount as a newborn piglet, while the DD team think it could be a watered down variant of pick, as in “pick it up”. The item (of considerable weight) would have been carried and often dropped by those bound in slavery resulting in masters whipping and shouting ” pick it up ” frequently to those that either failed or refused to carry an ingot over vast distances, we found references to such events written on old Latin manuscripts buried deep within the Daily Detectorist library one of which read: ” Servus Portandum surplantus metallum Pigrum placeo longius distantai ”

All evidence taken into account we believe the latter is the most likely and conclude the Roman lead pig does indeed have a direct connection with the swine family.

 

Man arrested for nighthawking pleads rare sleepwalking condition.

A young man from Portsmouth in Hampshire identified as 19 year old Ben Aukin has been arrested on suspicion of digging at a scheduled monument and removing metallic objects through the illegal use of a metal detector. However, the young man is protesting his innocence  on medical grounds, claiming that the ‘nighthawking’ was due to a rare sleepwalking condition, which coupled with the fact he is a detectorist makes him vulnerable to biased speculation. Despite these protestations, the unemployed Hampshire man possesses a heinously long criminal record for acts such as mugging a 71 year old lady, kicking a swan to death, indecent exposure in a Gregg’s bakery, urinating in a church and numerous other offenses. Although he has only been metal detecting about 3 months, Mr Aukin has already accumulated a vast collection of rare ancient coins and artefacts. We Sent reporter Paul Mccoil to get a statement from Mr Aukin and to try and ascertain the truth behind this wholly bizarre story.

PM: So what’s the story, Mr Aukin?
BA: I just love metal detecting and all that history stuff n that, i ain’t interested in the money, who cares what it’s worth i just like to hold things in my hand and wonder how it got there.
PM: Can we stick to the incident in question please Mr Aukin, save it for the court room you aren’t convincing anyone here. Tell us about the sleepwalking condition and the events leading to you being out at night on a protected monument.
BA: Well I obviously have that rare disorder innit , “Sleep Hawking”, which only affects metal detectorists. Whereas your normal sleep walker may just go downstairs to the fridge for a snack, piss in a wardrobe, or simply get in bed with grandma and start groping her, us detectorists with a sleepwalking disorder just go into auto pilot, grab the machine, walk out to the nearest farm field and start swinging. It’s a real hindrance and I’m currently trying to convince my doctor to give me a Valium or perhaps a morphine prescription to keep me in the house at night. I even tried to get my girlfriend to handcuff me to the bed and stop me walking out of the door, though that didn’t work as I just wrenched the bedstead off and walked out. My GP is recommending that I give up metal detecting instead, that’s never going to happen unless I get an ASBO with curfew after my most recent case, but I’m not really permitted to discuss ongoing prosecution information with you in any detail. Anyway thanks Paul, I’ve got to sign on in half hour. Laters.

According to a spokesman from Hampshire police Mr Aukin’s defense is said to be pretty much non-existent and he’s likely to serve a full term jail sentence.
” The young man in question was indeed previously known to us through a variety of different cases, though this time he was caught red handed by officers at the site of a well known Roman temple in Hampshire. Our officers set up a stake out point equipped with state of the art thermal imaging equipment, and at around 11:30 pm Mr Aukin arrived at the scene with an accomplice. When the officers moved in to arrest the suspects they both ran off at full speed with the accomplice managing to successfully flee the scene, though Mr Aukin was rugby tackled to the floor and arrested, referring to one of the arresting officers as a ‘killjoy fucking tekkie molester’ before he was subdued. Officers later raided the house of the accused, and found a vast collection of items and circled locations on OS maps that were labeled ‘prime hawking spot’ in red pen”.
All in all, this rather sad situation seems indicative of the new ways in which nighthawkers will attempt to subvert authority and get away with their hobby. DD would like to remind any thinking of trying Mr Aukin’s dastardly tactics that there is nothing so scummy as impersonating a disabled person, and that the invention of fictional sleeping disorders is no defense when trespassing on a scheduled monument.

Battlefield recovery is coming to Hastings.

Battlefield Recovery, a channel 5 world war II history series following a four-man team as they explore war zones on the Eastern Front in an effort to excavate and preserve the forgotten battle relics, is set to delve deeper into the past and set sights towards home in England where they plan to locate and dig up the site of the famous battle which took place in 1066 at Hastings.

The regularly scorned TV series Battlefield Recovery (aka called Nazi war diggers) has sparked outrage throughout the archaeological world (again) by announcing in a tweet that the next series is going to be filmed at a battle site “on British soil and took place sometime around the date of 1066 in a location somewhere in East Sussex.” Within minutes the tweet was shared and bombarded by protesting semi-educated online trainee archaeologists of sorts which all seemed to think it must be referring to the battle of Hastings and they also shared a common idea that the excavation would never be allowed to go ahead. We Sent DD’s ancient warfare correspondent Mr.Claude.A.Savage to get an unofficial statement from channel 5 producers.

‘The boys are absolutely thrilled for the opportunity to get their hands on some real ancient battle relics, and where better to kick off the new series than the site of the world famous battle of Hastings in 1066. Time Team and channel 4 failed miserably in their attempt to pin point the exact battle site location so because of that we are turning the next series into a media battle between ourselves and channel 4. It won’t be a very tough victory either considering all that nonsense Time team suggested about Harold being at Caldbec Hill  before marching  off to meet his doom at the site of that mini roundabout, they only found one axe head in the area, hardly enough evidence to presume a battle had taken place there. We are expecting the usual critics, archaeologists, local historians and other general kill joys to be against our lads and what they are doing but if i may speak frankly, we just don’t care. If a few dead guys need to be dug up to increase channel 5  viewing statistics who gives a shit?  We like shows like this because they are self funded and until someone presents some kind of legal documentation proving that the battle field recovery team are breaking any laws, we will continue to air the show and may they plunder on.’

Not surprisingly the location featured in the new series has caused some controversy and clash of opinions right across the board, as DD’s Geroffe Moyland Reports:

‘ I am not overly fond of  Battlefield recovery, i don’t believe their methods are ethical nor motives genuine. The team ravaged a ww1 site in Somme where my Grandpapa Jerome Moyland had laid for years relatively in peace until they turned up with mechanical diggers, sledgehammers and other earth shattering devices to plunder battle sites which still remain sensitive among relatives of the deceased. I’m sick to death of the English thinking  can do what they want and  have some claim to our land through their degenerate ancestry line of royalty and that we have to be eternally grateful for the British bleeding on French shores to rescue us in ww2. Despite my usual disliking of battlefield recovery, at least in the Hastings episodes the cameras will be focusing on a battle which the French won.’

At this point Geroffe stormed out of the interview muttering smugly something about the battle of Morlaix in 1342 before informing our secretary Carol he was off to a XP public demonstration where they plan to showcase the Flintmaxx coils.

DD employees appear to have mixed views on this one, Paul McCoil and Geroffe Moyland eagerly await a chance to gloat over a rare defeat of the English on their own soil, Anne Tickwitty has joined a group of associates opposing the Hastings dig, whilst Phil Maholin assures us he has his pipe and slippers ready for the new series and will be tuning in to nit-pick and send in a report shortly after he’s finished listening to his weekly session of Mythbusters on radio 4.