Nigel Farage declares UKIP’s ‘British only’ metal detecting policy.

Leader of the UKIP party Nigel Farage, has declared if elected he would push forward his plans to offer NCMD cards and the right to detect on British soil only to detectorists who can prove that they or their relatives have lived in the UK since 1945. We sent Paul McCoil to take a statement from the UKIP leader.

“If it’s not enough that these immigrants are coming over here demanding your jobs, houses and benefits, and also the right to call themselves British, now they want to rob us of our heritage and sell it for financial gain. I metal detect myself and have had enough of foreigners sniffing around my personal permissions, and bringing unwanted multiculturalism to the hobby. If UKIP are elected I vow to personally put an end to this madness and take control of the NCMD and only issue membership to people whose roots in this country go back to World war 2. But if you want to see priceless national artifacts and collectible coinage of Britannia in the hands of foreigners and immigrants instead of our national museums: vote Labour.”
Mr. Farage has been out in the field listening to pleas from members of the metal detecting community to see what issues they are facing with foreigners. History fanatic and keen treasure hunter Izzy Diggins wants to see restrictions on Polish and other eastern European detectorists living in England claiming: “They’re sending British artifacts back to their families at home to be sold on the Russian black market to fund the high living standards and lavish lifestyle eastern Europeans have become accustomed to because of money pouring in from the UK.”

Elsewhere, Anne Tickwitty has been in London getting the scoop on what policies the other political parties are offering detectorists, she reports;

The Tories are already pushing forward plans, backed by Prince Charles, to bring out a detecting permit costing a hefty £120 a month, which anyone wishing to detect on beaches or coastal land will be required by law to purchase, potentially making it no longer financially viable for the working class to pursue their hobby, and making more finds available to the middle and upper classes.

Ed Milliband has mentioned The Labour parties’ plans to have all public digs attended by a marshall to ensure that all finds are handed in at the end and shared equally amongst everyone attending.

The green party however want to see tighter regulations on rubbish and junk finds, which are allegedly being thrown into hedgerows destroying bird habitats, as well as poisoning the earth and other wildlife with lead and lithium from batteries often discarded by detectorists. They are getting growing support for pledging an outright ban on so-called green waste and making it illegal for recycling companies to offer financial incentives to farmers to take it off their hands.

Leader of The Respect party, born again Muslim George Galloway, has stated that while he fully supports Mr. Kamel and his brothers in b.o.m.b. and other Islamic detectorists up and down the country, he believes that all non-muslim finds should be given in aid to the Palestinians who have had their own heritage robbed off them, rather than be destroyed.

It seems that metal detectorists finally have a voice in this election. Never before have metal detectorists been so included in election manifestos, and which way they will vote is yet to be seen. Will the political parties keep true to their word, or will they just toss out the issues into the nearest hedge?

£1.4 mil Saxon hoard planted in weekend wonderers publicity scandal.

Mr Paul Colemen, an unemployed father of two from Southampton has recently bagged a fortune in a controversial find, a Saxon coin hoard with over 5000 king Cnut silver pennies, valued at over 800 each. Found at a metal detecting rally in Buckinghamshire organised by detecting club The weekend wonderers, the hoard is said to be one of the largest of its kind ever found in England and will certainly make Mr Coleman a very rich man. We sent our rambunctious Scottish reporter Paul McCoil to take a statement from detectorists present at the time. Derek Critoff, a dear friend of Mr Colemen had this to say:

“We’re all so pleased for Paul, he really needed the money. That’s the only reason he metal detects, to get rich quick. He deserved the hoard more than others there because they’re all loaded. They don’t call it a rich mans hobby for nothing. Paul barely even made it to the rally because he didn’t have enough money for petrol. It went to the right man as far as me and many others in the hobby are concerned. “We also believe that Paul should still be entitled to claim his Job Seekers Allowance, Income Support, Child Benefit, Tax Credits, Housing Benefit and the odd stint on Employment Support Allowance for his bad back. It’s not as if metal detecting is a job, so he should be still entitled to it, good on him.”

A few hours after the hoard surfaced allegations of foul play soon cropped up and unreliable sources said it was nothing more than a publicity stunt staged by the Wonderers to gain media attention, and probably to make a few quid in the process. Well known detectorist Gerry ‘coin hunter’ Smith told DD reporter Paul Mcoil he had examined pictures posted on Facebook the day the hoard was found, and he believed that the whole thing was a complete farce.

“It’s all a load of Bullshit, that hoard was planted, I have no doubt in my mind about that. You can clearly see it in the pictures for God’s sake. It’s got nothing on my roman hoards, nothing. It’s just another example of a big club with a big cheque book and a big ego to match. I firmly believe that Peter and Sarah Welch have been purchasing King Cnut Saxon pennies with club treasury money from ebay, private auctions, boot sales, Gum tree and secret deals with nighthawking gangs over a 15 year period. No wonder they’re insistent on members emptying their rubbish into the bucket at the end of a session. The lead used to wrap the fake hoard was nothing more then melted down lumps of junk bucket lead scraps, also built up over the 15 year period, I cannot believe the cheek of it. ”

The scrupulous scrutinizers down at the DD have been over all the photographic evidence and witness reports with a fine tooth comb and can agree the accusations are highly probable, with good reason to believe so. Peter and Sarah Welch both have a history of planting finds at digs. The club treasury could certainly support such a stunt and if multiple people on Facebook say it happened, then it probably did.

Minelab Go-find range set to feature anti-nighthawking technology.

Leading metal detector manufacturers Minelab have announced they have finally come up with a revolutionary idea to put an end to Nighthawking, (the act of illegally hunting for treasure and plundering ancient monuments under the cover of darkness). The hugely anticipated Go-Find range is designed to give a light and easy to use detector similar to other machines currently on the market, but at a more affordable price, and is set to feature the world’s first anti-nighthawking technology. We sent ace reporter Paul McCoil to take a statement from Minelab:

‘We’ve been working closely with archeologists and scientists, and together we have finally come up with a way to tackle nighthawks. For too long they’ve been dragging the names of honest, law abiding detecting folk through the mud, and we’re proud to announce that we’re the ones to finally bring an end to heritage crime.
What we’ve come up with is solar-power only technology which requires the sun to be out at all times for the machine to function. It won’t even turn on after dark, no batteries are required and there is no need to charge it, making it impossible to use the machine at night. We’re a little annoyed with ourselves that we didn’t think of it sooner, but also pleased that XP didn’t beat us to it, it’s an obvious solution to an on-going problem. The British Museum has publicly given full support to the new machine, even going so far as to suggest that all detectors without anti-nighthawking technology should be phased out and made illegal after the election is over, and our recently returned, veteran reporter and keen detectorist Phil Maholin wholeheartedly agrees:

‘I think all responsible parties should be lobbying parliament on this one, as soon as this upcoming election nonsense is out of the way and we all know which rich, over- privileged, silver spoon fed ex-public school, university-educated posh boy who’s never done a proper day’s work outside of politics in his life and his similar bunch of crooked, greedy, lying, self-serving Bullingdon club cronies that our uneducated, semi-indifferent and ill-informed electorate has chosen to pretend to run the country on behalf of the multi-national corporations for the next five years, and don’t even get me started on…’
Ok thanks Phil, that’s enough on that one, the cheque’s in the post.

Now plans are afoot to push other manufacturers to follow suit with their own anti-nighthawking products by 2017. The British Museum refused to provide The Daily Detectorist with a statement, so we sent our maverick jobbing reporter Robin Fields to ask Paul Barford of English Heritage his views, unfortunately Paul was unavailable for an interview but he sent this statement by e-mail:

‘Well, obviously, I’m happy that there will at least be some hours in the day, when these detectorist vermin will be unable to vandalise our heritage. But I think my views regarding detectorists, of any ilk, are well known, and whether they have the unmitigated audacity to brazenly plunder our cultural heritage in broad daylight, or whether they choose to skulk about illegally, like rats under the cover of darkness, in pursuit of their illgotten(sic) artifacts, they need to be stopped, let’s face it they’re no better than genocidal murderers, rapists and child molesters are they, and you wouldn’t say to them, “It’s alright as long as you do it in the daytime,” would you?’ well anyway, if you want to find out more you can read my blog yourself.

http://paul-barford.blogspot.co.uk/2015/02/police-issue-warning-over-hadrians-wall.html

The Minelab go-find range will be available in all good, honest, reputable metal detecting retailers in the UK later this month starting from R.R.P £240*

*Not available at Joan Allen.

P.A.S is coming to America , Finds older than 20 years to be classed as treasure.

“Boom baby” A landmark day in American history as the portable antiquities scheme, (an online database on which users can report and upload details of historic finds made metal detecting in England) has declared that it will be on its way to the United states early next year. In England, items of gold and silver older than 300 years are required to be assessed by a finds liaison officer under the treasure act to determine whether it is classed as treasure.But seeing as people barely inhabited America 300 years ago , major adjustments to the guidelines on treasure items had to be made. The official update to the U.S Treasure Act to accompany the PAS-USA is as follows:

“Any metallic object, other than a coin, provided that at least 10 per cent by weight of metal is preciousish metal (that is, nickel or aluminium.) and that it is at least 20 years old when found.

If the object is of pre-Clintonic date (1993-2001) it will be Treasure provided any part of it is preciousish metal.

Any group of two or more metallic objects including pre-1995 coca cola cans and farmer shotgun cases of any composition that come from the same find.

Two or more coins from the same find provided they are at least 20 years old when found and contain 10 per cent nickel or copper (if the coins contain less than 10 per cent of nickel or copper there must be at least ten of them, excluding 1980’s shopping mall water fountain deposits.

Only the following groups of coins will normally be regarded as coming from the same find: Hoards that have been deliberately hidden; by hip-hop gangsters, Jewish lawyers or Hells Angels or Smaller groups of coins, such as the contents of purses of New York office executives,that may have been dropped or lost; Votive or ritual deposits excluding the finding of mobile phones or other electrical devices.

Any object,whatever it is made of,that is found in the same place as,or had previously been together with, another object that is Treasure.”

The DD has sent Reporter Phil Maholin over to the United states in a hot air balloon and we are currently awaiting word from him. We can offer no more information on the matter at this time.

‘Messy kitchen’ phenomenon being blamed on increase in female metal detectorists.

The Daily Detectorist has recently been contacted by an ever increasing number of male readers concerned by the growing problem of untidy kitchens in the homes of detectorists. Now after an in depth investigation by investigative journalists investigating the issue, this international threat to health and safety has been blamed on the sharp increase in female participation in hobbies such as metal detecting and other outdoor hobbies traditionally associated with the male of the species. Since at least the Neolithic period women have always assumed the role of maintaining the home, be it cave, mud hut or modern day brick house, the female has always excelled in the role of housekeeper, but lately things seem to have changed. For the benefit of our loyal readership we sent our aging but intrepid roving reporter Phil Maholin, himself a keen detectorist, to speak to men currently affected by the global domestic crisis reportedly being caused by female hobbyists. Detectorist Nick Argent had this to say:

‘I used to love metal detecting, but now it’s just become another chore, and as much as I love my family, I used to enjoy the time away from them on my lonesome out in the fields. Since my wife Julie started ‘tectin’ the situation’s gone from bad to worse, she even brings the kids out metal detecting these days, and our household hygiene has suffered for it. The kitchen’s in a right state with unwashed crockery, cutlery and pots everywhere, all the stuff she used to get on with while I was out in the field. In the past I would have just got a cleaner in, but with so many members of our family all needing the latest Xp Deus gadgets, I simply can’t afford it.’

Echoing these sentiments, his fellow detectorist Doug R Landup was in a positively belligerent mood: ‘Listen, I’ll stand on my well known feminist credentials in any company, and I bow to no one in my commitment to women’s equality. Equal? Let me tell you, I would even go as far as to say that I wholeheartedly believe that in many very important areas of life women are undeniably superior to men. I mean obviously you wouldn’t want one doing the map reading or trying to change a plug, but when it comes to things like cleaning stuff up and cooking and washing things I think women are brilliant, ditto finding stuff that wasn’t there when you looked, and for anything to do with babies and kid’s issues women are simply the best aren’t they, and hey, all that stuff is just too important for men to be trusted with isn’t it? Leave us to go out and do the metal detecting I say, my kitchen is in a right state because the Mrs. is always gallivanting about out in the fields somewhere. Twice already this week I’ve got home from work and there’s been no dinner on the table, and I can’t find a clean pair of socks or pants anywhere. I think a bit less detecting and a little more disinfecting is what we need from our women!”

So in the interests of balanced argument Phil went out in the field and tracked down married female detectorist Anne Tickwitty, who agreed to record an interview in which he put these points to her, and we have to report that it’s bad news for male detectorists because she made it scandalously clear that she was in no hurry to return to her duties at home. This is a verbatim transcript of Phil’s incisive interrogation.

PM: ‘So Mrs. Tickwitty…’
AT: ‘Ms.’
PM: ‘I’m sorry…?’
AT: ‘It’s Ms. Tickwitty, I disapprove of these paternalistic distinctions.’
PM: ‘Oh… erm…, sorry about that… but…er…, well anyway, what can you tell us about this growing problem of women neglecting their domestic duties to go out metal detecting?’
AT: ‘Look if I want to come out detecting I damn well will, and the old man will just have to lump it, and anyway, I think a lot of it is really just about men worrying that we’ll find more than they do because let’s face it, if these useless blokes can’t even find a clean pair of socks or pants what chance are they going to have with that Saxon hoard or Viking treasure, best leave it to the girls I think.’
PM: ‘But… but… well I don’t think that’s really… that’s…erm…you’re being a little…erm… well… I mean… OK, then tell me Mrs…’
AT: ‘Ms.’
PM: ‘Sorry, Ms. Tickwitty, answer me this then, how is a man ever supposed to find a clean pair of socks or pants if his wife hasn’t washed any for God knows how long?’
AT:‘I suppose he could always chuck some in the washing machine himself couldn’t he?’
PM: ‘But I don’t know… I mean we don’t… I mean they don’t… erm… I mean that’s not, that’s… erm… it’s really a case of…I think I… …’
At this point our somewhat ‘old school’ reporter apparently found this offhand flippancy and disrespect from a ‘lady’ so shocking he was rendered speechless, and had to abandon the interview, take the rest of the afternoon off and go for a few drinks.
“Honestly I was so angry,” he lamented later, shaking his head in near despair.
“But of course I had to maintain my professional dignity and absolute impartiality as a journalist, even while fighting the urge to put the contrary little minx over my knee. Obviously that’s her husband’s job, but these days you’d probably get arrested for it wouldn’t you? It’s political correctness gone mad and no mistake, no wonder this country’s gone to the dogs. That’s another large one over here please Pete.”

Finally, it was suggested by a few of our correspondents that we could interview some of the female journalists here at The Daily Detectorist to get an inside slant on the issue, but unfortunately there aren’t any, so up to this point The Daily Detectorist is unable to offer its male readers very much consolation, and it appears you may just have to wash your own socks and clean your own kitchens. We’re  currently taking our  clothes down to the launderette once a week and leaving it with the lady there for a service wash and picking it up later. Easy, and only seven quid.

Islamic metal detectorists demand that prayer mats are supplied on public digs.

With a growing number of Muslim metal detectorist’s in the UK, it comes as no surprise to the astute observers at the Daily detectorist that plans to accommodate them are already in motion.Well known public rally organizers The Weekend Wonderers have even added halal meat to the menu in the catering van at their popular weekend detecting rallies, which see numbers of keen treasure hunting enthusiasts reach well over 1000. Now these numbers are set to soar after the recent 5000 coin Saxon hoard caught the attention of the media when it was found by an unemployed father of two at a weekend wonderers event. We went to ask Wonderers founder Peter Welch a few questions regarding the current boom in Islamic interest in metal detecting.

“In recent years we’ve had a great deal of interest from members of the Islamic community wanting to get involved in the hobby, and now we have seventeen practicing Muslims that regularly attend Weekend Wonderer rallies up and down the country. We initially decided against accepting them to the club as we had previously encountered trouble from a Muslim detectorist a Mr. Aasif Fayada Kamel who, after falling out with My wife Sarah, aggressively declared that as a devout Muslim he would be obliged to totally destroy beyond recognition any non – Muslim religious relics or artifacts he might find as in Islam it would almost certainly be considered blasphemous to expose them to the light of Allah, and furthermore, he didn’t require anyone except Allah’s permission to dig anywhere he liked as all land belonged to Allah.”

The altercation occurred after Mr Kamel dug up what he considered to be a ‘suspiciously clean’ medieval crusaders heraldic pendant, and went on to allege that Sarah Welch planted it in the ground next to Mr. Kamel for a laugh. However Mr. Kamel from Bradford, not being familiar with the quirky sense of humour  long associated with metal detectorists didn’t quite see the joke, and angrily made a comment about Sarah ‘needing to cover herself up a bit.’ A law suit was even suggested by the outraged Bradford detecting extremist, but eventually charges were dropped in a deal which would see halal meat permanently on the menu at all future Weekend Wonderer digs, and the banning of all pork derived products such as hot dogs or hamburgers.

“We’ve decided to give in to the will of Islam , and other non – Christian Britons, and proudly claim that detectorists of all nationalities, race and religion living in the UK are now welcome at the Weekend Wanderers, and we will do our utmost to accommodate them all.”

Now trying to push the envelope a little further, Mr. Kamel has contacted the Daily Detectorist to publish a nationwide appeal for club dig organizers to supply prayer mats for Islamic attendees out in the field .

” Everybody knows we aren’t allowed to get our prayer mats dirty, and it wouldn’t be suitable to transport  or use our personal mats in a muddy environment. What we want to see is disposable prayer mats being supplied by rally organizers , they’re certainly earning enough money from us judging by all the fancy 4×4 vehicles the Wanderers staff drive around in, and without our mats present on digs we risk getting our knees and foreheads dirty at Zohar, Asar and Magrib, which are the three main prayers we have to observe on a twelve hour dig.”

Furthermore Mr. Kamel has spoken of his plans to open the UK’s first Muslim only metal detecting club: The Brotherhood of Muslim Britons, and he urges any landowners or smallholders anywhere in the UK to come forward and give British Muslims a shot at English antiquities.

American sitcom star “Matthew Perry” struggles to make friends in metal detecting community.

Comedy actor Matthew Perry who played Chandler Bing on popular American Sitcom “Friends” has recently sent out a string of social media statements expressing his anger at the worldwide metal detecting community.The Canadian born Actor said he has always shared a deep passion for history and technology
“Metal detecting just seemed like the hobby for me,and with friends series on hold I’ve had lots of free time on my hands and decided to take up metal detecting. I tried joining several local clubs and Facebook groups but couldn’t fathom why i was being cold shouldered at every turn, I had heard the detecting community can be a little cliquey, but the responses I received were nothing short of an acute paranoid schizophrenic episode, everyone kept repeating the same things to me, “we know you’re Matthew Perry” and “you’re not welcome in this hobby.”

Unbeknownst to the 45 year old actor, he shared the same name as infamous online con-artist and “general wrongun” 32 year old Matthew Perry from Gloucestershire in England. We went to speak to some head figures within the Metal detecting world to find out why Mr Perry had been treated with such contempt, and why he was being mistaken for an Englishman despite being “A hell of a lot more famous”.

Mr Paul Barford from Heritage England went on to explain how Mr Perry is well known for his dishonest conduct online, “He once tried to scam me out of one of the many gold coins from my vast personal collection”, Mr Barford explained angrily ,several attempts to obtain valuable coins from other innocent finders had also been reported by vigilant Facebook users.

Other sources told us perry once claimed he had metal detecting equipment stolen from his property in Somerset,and proceeded to play on the sympathetic hearts strings of the metal detecting community and pleaded with fellow detectorists on popular Facebook group “Metal detecting newcomers welcome” to have a Whip-round to get Mr Perry a brand new machine and back out swinging on his favourite rape seeded ploughed field. There was speculation to the authenticity of Perry’s claim with many believing it to be nothing more then a desperate bid to better his personal finances.

Perry first made an appearance on the scene after finding a hoard of 425 roman coins in 2012 with his father Peter Perry in a field in somerset. Some had reason to believe it had been obtained through crooked means saying they had heard people on other  Facebook groups saying “he seems a bit dodgy” and “it looks slightly past dusk in that photo”, as was good enough evidence to speculate the hoard had in-fact been obtained illegally under the cover of darkness.

No prosecution has been made so far, although Matthew Perry has certainly caused a stir in the online metal Detecting scene, smoke and fire springs to the minds of many, along with other various types of Medieval execution and Tudor torture methods being suggested.

The dual nationality actor contacted The Daily Detectorist to find out what the hell was going on, and to tether this association with the already established British Metal Detecting villain. Unfortunately for Mr Perry it seemed the only way forward for him would be to change his name by depoll to Bing Chandler, but when our team suggested this he started catapulting insults our way and stormed off shouting something about taking up fishing.