‘Metal detecting for the many not just the few’ Jeremy Corbyn announces Labour policy

Daily Detectorist Election Special Part 1

With Phil Maholin: Digging out the news that they want to bury

While The Daily Detectorist is entirely impartial and at all times maintains a balanced and unbiased attitude to politics; with the election looming we considered it nothing less than our duty to keep our readers apprised of any issues relating to their beloved hobby that any party may be planning to look at. Now, in a secretive and in-depth probe lasting several long lunchtimes, crack undercover DD investigative journalist Phil Maholin has unearthed alleged rumours thought to be circulating among some political pundits described as, ‘quite close to certain backroom figures said to be associated with colleagues of people who know friends of Labour Party insiders’, to the effect that Labour leader and well known terrorist sympathiser Jeremy Corbyn may soon announce plans to re-examine the current state of U.K law regarding metal detecting and artefact recovery, in the highly unlikely event that Labour wins the election.

In a series of clandestine rendezvous at a run down Westminster drinking club, said to have once been popular with MPs and party officials, a shadowy unnamed source informed the star DD reporter that: ‘Key issues on the agenda may in all likelihood involve looking into potentially controversial areas such as the redistribution of land permissions to the general public, and taxing the often ‘evasive’ commercial metal detecting clubs and individuals’.  Marxist/Stalinist and self confessed Fidel Castro admirer Corbyn is thought to believe that ‘metal detecting should be for the many not just the few’, and is said to possibly be concerned that vast tracts of land including royal estates are occupied by lone detectorists with sole permission covering thousands of acres, and may think that this situation simply isn’t fair, and should probably change.

The anonymous source also hinted that the fiercely pro-immigration Labour leader tasked shadow home secretary Diane Abbott with looking into the maths involved, and apparently found that the figures ‘just don’t add up’. Now it is alleged that Corbyn may be suggesting that metal detecting clubs should handle the hobby regionally and all events should be open to the general public, including minorities, foreigners and, controversially, even people entering the country illegally from outside the EU: ‘In countries like Syria and Iraq, and some African countries, islamist groups and hard line followers of the religion of peace such as ISIS and Al Shabab, have sold or destroyed all their priceless antiquities and shamelessly robbed and vandalised their cultural history in the name of Allah, leaving the regions’ metal detectorists in a seriously deprived state, and it’s up to us in the west to help them.’ Is what it is thought to have been suggested that the passionately islamophillic hard left Labour supremo may believe on the matter.

There is also said to be intense speculation that Ms. Abbott might have been overheard at a private function possibly stating off the record that:  ‘It is heartless and racist to seek to deny people from underdeveloped countries in Africa and the middle east their basic human right to come to the U.K to detect and dig up British antiquities and take them home, and no one but a xenophobic, racist, facist, alt-right, white supremacist islamophobic and probably sexist nazi could possibly be against it.’  It is also thought that Ms. Abbott may well have added at some point later the same evening:  ‘The children of people so poor that they can barely scrape together the thousands of pounds necessary to pay people traffickers to smuggle them to Britain and help them enter the country illegally, buy a reliable 4×4, a state of the art metal detector, a pro-pointer and all the other expensive detecting paraphernalia, may well starve if they aren’t allowed to take British treasures home and sell them to feed their families, after all, it’s very likely that only a tiny fraction of priceless British antiquities and irreplaceable cultural history may be lost in this way, probably costing the country just a few hundred pounds annually, or possibly a couple of million, but almost certainly no more than maybe fifty to sixty, or perhaps about eighty billion pounds a year, and anyway, it’s not as if the white British haven’t rampaged around the world for centuries plundering everyone else’s treasure is it? So really it’s only fair.’

British detectorists are of course likely to be furious at the plans, and bitter accusations of promoting so called ‘detectourism’ are bound to be levelled at Godless atheist jam maker Corbyn and the Labour party, but in stark contrast, in an exclusive interview for The Daily Detectorist, unelected prime minister with no mandate from the masses Teresa May, told ace DD political reporter Phil Maholin that the conservative party had no plans to freely open up British privately owned land to foreign ‘detectourists’ saying:  “The British aristocracy and the royal family aren’t exactly famous for their alacrity when it comes to giving anything away are they, wealth or privilege, and if we wanted to go handing over our precious British antiquities to random foreigners we would have given back the Elgin marbles, the Koh-i-noor diamond and at least half the contents of the British museum years ago wouldn’t we?”

There you have it, many thanks to the ever intrepid Phil for his diligent, and possibly dangerous hard work in that clearly lugubrious drinking club, from the look of the expenses sheet, it must have been hell for both of you. Clearly a lot of high quality seventy percent proof emotional support was necessary to get through that one, you’re a martyr Phil, thanks.

Now detectorists, you know what Labour may have in store for you in the obviously ludicrously unlikely event that they win the election, and in the second of our two part Daily Detectorist Election special coming soon, we examine in detail, the deepest, darkest, metal detecting related recesses of the Conservative Party Manifesto on your behalf detectorists, so you don’t have to.