Female detectorist sues Garret over tragic pet death.

At 78, Ethel Reed is on the older side of those who engage in our glorious hobby. Such mature detectorists, with their years of experience and long-standing engagement with both newcomers and peers alike, are surely the cornerstone of the coil-swinging world. However, the pensioner is suing Garret over an incident which occurred last year where her pet rabbit, Flopsy IX, died in tragic circumstances. We sent DD reporter Justin Fields to find out more from Miss Reed about the circumstances of the case.

‘So Ethel, tell us what happened.’

‘Well Justin, it was like this. I’d just settled down to watch that nice man Gary Lineaker on the telly with a bottle of wine and some Lancashire Hotpot, when old Flopsy came sidling up to me wanting his din dins. I keeps a nice box of carrots by the side of me comfy armchair so’s I can throw him one now and then while I’m sitting down. Anyway, I reaches into the box and gives him the carrot, which he takes into the kitchin as usual. Anyway, a few minutes later, I hears this funny zapping noise and thumping, followed by quite a delicious meaty or gamey sort of smell. I gets up to see what’s going on and there’s Flopsy, singed and dead on the floor with the carrot next to him! Gave me quite the turn. Of course I called the police, fire-brigade and ambulance, but there was nowt they could do and the sergeant gave me quite a telling off for ‘wasting police time’ or something. Vet come out to see him, and as he was looking at him he picks up the carrot Flopsy were eating and hands it to me, asking ‘what’s this?’. Says I, ‘well, it’s a carrot in’t it?’, to which he responds ‘no it isn’t’. I takes it off him and has a look, and blow me down if I hadn’t thrown Flopsy my own Garret carrot from my detecting gear, which he’d then chewed and electrocuted himself with! I’ve never been so upset in me life, Flopsy was 20th generation pedigree and them bastards have killed him by making their bloody pinpointers the same colour as bloody vegetables! Other rabbits will die soon if they don’t fix this, them’s nothing but a bunch of no good murderers!’

Our interview with Miss Reed was abruptly terminated when our correspondent questioned her about whether her lack of good eyesight and refusal to wear glasses during everyday life may have contributed to the frying of her beloved Flopsy, causing Miss Reed to violently lunge across her living room table. However, the issue has stood and a number of older detectorists have come forward to accuse Garret of causing a hazardous issue by creating tools which both resemble and are nicknamed as the popular orange vegetables. A spokesman for Garret gave the following statement;

‘We sympathise with Miss Reed for her recent bereavement. However, we must stress to all those who furnish us with their patronage that the orange Garret ‘carrot’ pinpointer is NOT suitable for consumption by humans or animals alike. As a measure to prevent this from ever happening again, we have decided to make all our pinpointers purple from now on, and call them the ‘Garret Rabbit’ in commemoration of Flopsy. We also offer Miss Reed a voucher for £500 in order to compensate for her loss.’

Though the Flopsy saga may have been avenged, controversy surrounding pinpointers continues this week. Shaun Badcock of Daventry is attempting to sue Nokta for emotional distress after his wife became addicted to self-pleasuring herself with his probe before running off with an accountant, claiming it gave her better orgasms and contributed to her sexual awakening. We promise to bring you more on this story as we get it.

‘Man in the hat’ theme tune reaches number 1 in Uzbekistan pop music charts.

The self proclaimed ‘man in the hat’ has enjoyed a controversial existence in the world of online Metal Detecting. Some sing his praises from the rooftops, while others decry everything he does and lampoon him for his often exuberant and occasionally ostentatious You tube videos. However, his most recent bit of publicity has come from an unexpected source- the Republic of Uzbekistan. DD Uzbek cultural correspondent Vlad Furqat comes to us direct from the capital city of Tashkent.

‘It’s incredible out here. Everywhere I go people are chanting the words of the man in the hat theme song- set to almost every genre! I can hear house remixes blaring from the clubs, an accordionist playing it on the street, some young Uzbeks rocking it out to a heavy metal version, and down the road in the fancy westernised restaurant there is a piano quartet tinkling out an instrumental version. The song has gone viral overnight and has even penetrated into the Uzbek drugs subculture when a young Uzbek DJ ripped the ‘WOAH, WOAH’ vocals and laid them over a heavy dubstep bassline which reportedly had 1000’s of ravers at a warehouse party skanking out of control.

The reasons behind the popularity of Steve’s theme-song couldn’t be clearer; president Shavkat Mrziyoyev is himself a metal detectorist of some repute in the ‘stans, having personally discovered 651 kurgans (burial mounds) and entire temples stuffed with ritually deposited gold and silver artefacts that hark back to the glory days of silk road cities and camel caravans stretching for miles into the desert. However, he himself has become obsessed with the man in the hat. In a statement Mr Mrziyoyev said the following;

‘I love Steve’s passion and drive with my whole heart, and by extension the heart of all glorious Uzbekistan. I call those who name him ‘twat in the hat’ as COWARDS, and invite them to Uzbek gulags for tea and borscht. How could a man who uses lyrics such as ‘metal detecting and finding lots of gold, searching for anything that’s old’ be labelled as anything other than a musical genius? I invite Steve too come to Uzbekistan, to experience our glorious nation and see for himself how welcoming we are.’

President Mrziyoyev abruptly terminated the interview and had his bodyguards viciously beat our cameraman when one of our production team questioned him as to his human rights policies and reasons for banning certain Uzbek musical acts. However, this did little to marr the atmosphere as we were quickly rushed to the studio where Uzbekistan’s version of ‘Top of the Pops’ was being presented and heartily congratulated us on behalf of our country for producing their current hit single. Though somewhat bemused , we asked what exactly about the song made it so popular. Apparently, the use of folky guitar and upbeat nature makes it absolutely riveting to Uzbeks, starved of virtually any outside musical and cultural influences during the years of communist rule. Government censorship policies (mandated by President Mrziyoyev) have prevented all but metal detecting videos from being available on Uzbek internet, thus the man in the hat’s short yet sweet theme tune has been immediately been seized upon as something currently described by music critics as ‘brave and new’.

Man pissed off at paying £20 to metal detect and not find anything.

A middle-aged man from South Yorkshire is due to appear in court following a violent incident which occurred at a metal detecting rally near Dinnington where witnesses reported a man had gone “totally fucking mental” and smashed up several cars before wheel spinning out of the field, hurling a torrent of verbal abuse and a partially eaten corned beef-salad sandwich out of his car window at organizers as he made a hasty retreat from the scene.

Mr. Doug Witherspoon, a 57-year-old semi-retired part-time car salesman from Doncaster, has tried to dispute the charges of criminal damage on grounds of diminished responsibility as he had forgotten to take his medication that day and as a result was under the false impression that by paying £20 to attend a metal detecting rally he should be 100 % guaranteed to find something noteworthy and of considerable age. We sent Mr.Witherspoon an invitation to attend an interview with Paul McCoil at DD headquarters which he graciously accepted.

PM: So Doug, would you care to give us your version of the events which occurred at the rally last week?

DW: Well basically Paul I arrived at the dig and paid the man the sum of twenty pounds to attend and felt for that kind of money I should have been entitled to find an item with a value which exceeded the entrance cost. I swung for almost four hours with only two buttons to show for my labor and slowly started to get an overwhelming sense of frustration. These feelings intensified throughout the day, normally a few puffs on my digital nicotine vaporizer would be enough to calm me down but I then realized my stupid bitch of a wife Sandra forgot to pack my medication in the lunch box and from that moment I just knew an emotional outburst was imminent. I’m deeply sorry for the damages which I inflicted to the vehicles but truly believe the club should cough up the bill as it’s their fault I got angry.

PM: That’s absurd, isn’t the whole nature of the hobby about the wheel of chance, the luck of the draw?

DW:  NO, not for twenty quid it’s not, Aren’t you listening? All I found that day was two stinking buttons, I’m sick to death of these clubs charging me top dollar to find fuck all every weekend, things are getting pretty tight at home since the used car industry went into decline. What these so-called clubs are doing is literally daylight robbery and if I don’t find something valuable at a rally soon I will almost certainly turn to night time robbery.

PM: Is that off record Mr. Witherspoon I assume you are insinuating an interest in taking up night hawking as a result of not finding much at rallies?

DW: Look I’m just saying, I pay my way and feel I should be rewarded with the goods once in a while, the fact I’m using a £60 Meplins detector should be irrelevant,  it’s a perfectly capable machine and it even says “Professional metal detector” on the box, no, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this machine and I have complete and utter faith in the old girl, and Meplins as an undisputed reputable brand known for producing good quality, affordable metal detectors of the very highest standards.

PM: Can’t say I’ve ever heard good things said about Meplins, quite the contrary in fact.

DW: I hear enough of these negative remarks at the digs, I’ll be buggered if I’ll sit here listening to you insulting me, it’s not like your shoddy Aunt Sally establishment is paying me for this.

PM: No need to get Angry Doug, it’s this kind of behavior which got you into this mess in the first place.

At this point Mr. Witherspoon lunged for Reporter Paul McCoil wielding a fountain pen and had to be restrained by Phil Maholin and Jerome Moyland who were luckily both present in the DD’s slightly dilapidated, and Contrived shared office block at the time of the interview and were able to escort him off the premises in a no-nonsense fashion which consequently terminated the interview prematurely.

To get further insight into the actions of the perpetrator we sent Anne Tickwitty to speak with a fellow detectorist and friend of Mr. Witherspoon’s who was also present at the rally.

“Who Doug? Yes, I know him, but let’s not be too hasty, I certainly wouldn’t refer to him as a friend nor even an acquaintance. If the truth is told I think the man’s neurotic and I really can’t stand the bloke, he gets on everyone’s tits on a regular basis,  he never listens to any advice and continues to keep using that cheap Meplins detector and all he ever seems to find is plough shears and coke cans. Two hoards came off the field at the rally in question and he stills blames everybody apart from himself. He’s been banned by three clubs this year due to his irrational outbursts and I would have it known publicly that I’m trying to dis-associate myself with him and his issues.

Doug Witherspoon is likely to get a hefty fine, a few hundred hours community service and maybe even a prison sentence, we promise to keep readers updated as we find out more.

 

Summer beach detectorists actually just checking out chicks.

In the peak of the summer months metal detectorists flock to the coast for a spot of beach detecting with many doing so simply to cash in from jewelry and money lost by people enjoying themselves in the sun, others because their favorite cultivated farm fields are currently in crop and out of bounds until after the harvest. But according to a woman from Newquay in Cornwall,  a network of beach detectorists are using the hobby merely as a disguise to gaze upon sparsely dressed women at seaside resorts throughout the country.

We sent Paul Mccoil to speak with female Cornish surfer Sandy Cox to get the scoop on the matter.

PM:Sandy, do you believe metal detectorists are genuinely searching for lost coins and jewelry or just using the hobby as a means to spy on women freely?

SC:Obviously some of them are bound to be in it for the money, but all too often I’ve seen suspicious looking characters with metal detectors at popular surfing destinations all over the world skulking around with a peculiar and insincere look about them. We have one in my area who’s always lurking around at Great western beach and he has been spotted glaring at women on several occasions. In one incident I was the victim, he called me over and asked me to take a look in his finds pouch, when I looked inside i was confronted with  a strange looking object which vaguely resembled a small shriveled up human penis, it was at that moment i realized he had made a hole in his finds pouch and was exposing his genitals to me. I reported him to the police and he was arrested at the scene and was served a caution for indecent exposure, but he was back at it within 6 months and I just decided to start surfing at other beaches.

We now go over to the accused, well known beach detectorist and resident of Crackington Haven, 59 year old Wayne King.

“Do these stupid bimbo’s think I’d waste my time down here digging up ring pulls, tin foil and a couple of quid all day ? Get serious buddy, the real treasure down the beaches is all the hot totty on display. They come out in droves in the summer and there isn’t many activities where i can walk up and down the beach wearing sunglasses without arousing suspicion of  being a perv or a pedo these days, but Metal detecting is a great way of concealing my true intentions. Below I have compiled a sure shot list with 8 tips to help other beach detectorists maximize their chances of hitting the jackpot.

  1. Always carry gold rings, all women go weak at the knees upon the site of gold jewelry, particularly examples with diamonds in.
  2. If a broad asks if you’ve found anything, slip the ring onto her finger, ask if she’ll marry you, and then laugh, gets em every time.
  3. Your walk is everything, keep your center of gravity low,flick out you hips at the end of each swing, don’t be afraid to show off your thrust.
  4. Always wear headphones, it’s not essential for beach detecting but if an ugly chick tries to communicate you can pretend to not hear them.
  5. Always leave holes unfilled and hover around them, should a damsel in distress happen to take a tumble, you can be the first on the scene to help them back to their feet.
  6. If you have the physique, detect shirtless and show off those abs.
  7. Always wear mirrored shades and I can’t stress this enough. Should some feminist type be out for a swim, she will be the first to accuse you of undressing her with your eyes.
  8. Always keep a bottle of sun cream handy and offer to apply it on lounging sun bathers and don’t be afraid to go straight for the breasts.

According to almost every governing body within the hobby, proper detectorists search in the countryside and we urge the public to call 991 immediately should they see any suspicious looking characters carrying a metal detector on a beach.

 

 

 

Man arrested for nighthawking pleads rare sleepwalking condition.

A young man from Portsmouth in Hampshire identified as 19 year old Ben Aukin has been arrested on suspicion of digging at a scheduled monument and removing metallic objects through the illegal use of a metal detector. However, the young man is protesting his innocence  on medical grounds, claiming that the ‘nighthawking’ was due to a rare sleepwalking condition, which coupled with the fact he is a detectorist makes him vulnerable to biased speculation. Despite these protestations, the unemployed Hampshire man possesses a heinously long criminal record for acts such as mugging a 71 year old lady, kicking a swan to death, indecent exposure in a Gregg’s bakery, urinating in a church and numerous other offenses. Although he has only been metal detecting about 3 months, Mr Aukin has already accumulated a vast collection of rare ancient coins and artefacts. We Sent reporter Paul Mccoil to get a statement from Mr Aukin and to try and ascertain the truth behind this wholly bizarre story.

PM: So what’s the story, Mr Aukin?
BA: I just love metal detecting and all that history stuff n that, i ain’t interested in the money, who cares what it’s worth i just like to hold things in my hand and wonder how it got there.
PM: Can we stick to the incident in question please Mr Aukin, save it for the court room you aren’t convincing anyone here. Tell us about the sleepwalking condition and the events leading to you being out at night on a protected monument.
BA: Well I obviously have that rare disorder innit , “Sleep Hawking”, which only affects metal detectorists. Whereas your normal sleep walker may just go downstairs to the fridge for a snack, piss in a wardrobe, or simply get in bed with grandma and start groping her, us detectorists with a sleepwalking disorder just go into auto pilot, grab the machine, walk out to the nearest farm field and start swinging. It’s a real hindrance and I’m currently trying to convince my doctor to give me a Valium or perhaps a morphine prescription to keep me in the house at night. I even tried to get my girlfriend to handcuff me to the bed and stop me walking out of the door, though that didn’t work as I just wrenched the bedstead off and walked out. My GP is recommending that I give up metal detecting instead, that’s never going to happen unless I get an ASBO with curfew after my most recent case, but I’m not really permitted to discuss ongoing prosecution information with you in any detail. Anyway thanks Paul, I’ve got to sign on in half hour. Laters.

According to a spokesman from Hampshire police Mr Aukin’s defense is said to be pretty much non-existent and he’s likely to serve a full term jail sentence.
” The young man in question was indeed previously known to us through a variety of different cases, though this time he was caught red handed by officers at the site of a well known Roman temple in Hampshire. Our officers set up a stake out point equipped with state of the art thermal imaging equipment, and at around 11:30 pm Mr Aukin arrived at the scene with an accomplice. When the officers moved in to arrest the suspects they both ran off at full speed with the accomplice managing to successfully flee the scene, though Mr Aukin was rugby tackled to the floor and arrested, referring to one of the arresting officers as a ‘killjoy fucking tekkie molester’ before he was subdued. Officers later raided the house of the accused, and found a vast collection of items and circled locations on OS maps that were labeled ‘prime hawking spot’ in red pen”.
All in all, this rather sad situation seems indicative of the new ways in which nighthawkers will attempt to subvert authority and get away with their hobby. DD would like to remind any thinking of trying Mr Aukin’s dastardly tactics that there is nothing so scummy as impersonating a disabled person, and that the invention of fictional sleeping disorders is no defense when trespassing on a scheduled monument.

Battlefield recovery is coming to Hastings.

Battlefield Recovery, a channel 5 world war II history series following a four-man team as they explore war zones on the Eastern Front in an effort to excavate and preserve the forgotten battle relics, is set to delve deeper into the past and set sights towards home in England where they plan to locate and dig up the site of the famous battle which took place in 1066 at Hastings.

The regularly scorned TV series Battlefield Recovery (aka called Nazi war diggers) has sparked outrage throughout the archaeological world (again) by announcing in a tweet that the next series is going to be filmed at a battle site “on British soil and took place sometime around the date of 1066 in a location somewhere in East Sussex.” Within minutes the tweet was shared and bombarded by protesting semi-educated online trainee archaeologists of sorts which all seemed to think it must be referring to the battle of Hastings and they also shared a common idea that the excavation would never be allowed to go ahead. We Sent DD’s ancient warfare correspondent Mr.Claude.A.Savage to get an unofficial statement from channel 5 producers.

‘The boys are absolutely thrilled for the opportunity to get their hands on some real ancient battle relics, and where better to kick off the new series than the site of the world famous battle of Hastings in 1066. Time Team and channel 4 failed miserably in their attempt to pin point the exact battle site location so because of that we are turning the next series into a media battle between ourselves and channel 4. It won’t be a very tough victory either considering all that nonsense Time team suggested about Harold being at Caldbec Hill  before marching  off to meet his doom at the site of that mini roundabout, they only found one axe head in the area, hardly enough evidence to presume a battle had taken place there. We are expecting the usual critics, archaeologists, local historians and other general kill joys to be against our lads and what they are doing but if i may speak frankly, we just don’t care. If a few dead guys need to be dug up to increase channel 5  viewing statistics who gives a shit?  We like shows like this because they are self funded and until someone presents some kind of legal documentation proving that the battle field recovery team are breaking any laws, we will continue to air the show and may they plunder on.’

Not surprisingly the location featured in the new series has caused some controversy and clash of opinions right across the board, as DD’s Geroffe Moyland Reports:

‘ I am not overly fond of  Battlefield recovery, i don’t believe their methods are ethical nor motives genuine. The team ravaged a ww1 site in Somme where my Grandpapa Jerome Moyland had laid for years relatively in peace until they turned up with mechanical diggers, sledgehammers and other earth shattering devices to plunder battle sites which still remain sensitive among relatives of the deceased. I’m sick to death of the English thinking  can do what they want and  have some claim to our land through their degenerate ancestry line of royalty and that we have to be eternally grateful for the British bleeding on French shores to rescue us in ww2. Despite my usual disliking of battlefield recovery, at least in the Hastings episodes the cameras will be focusing on a battle which the French won.’

At this point Geroffe stormed out of the interview muttering smugly something about the battle of Morlaix in 1342 before informing our secretary Carol he was off to a XP public demonstration where they plan to showcase the Flintmaxx coils.

DD employees appear to have mixed views on this one, Paul McCoil and Geroffe Moyland eagerly await a chance to gloat over a rare defeat of the English on their own soil, Anne Tickwitty has joined a group of associates opposing the Hastings dig, whilst Phil Maholin assures us he has his pipe and slippers ready for the new series and will be tuning in to nit-pick and send in a report shortly after he’s finished listening to his weekly session of Mythbusters on radio 4.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wolves re-introduced to rural Britain continuing in war on nighthawks.

Several months ago, DD reported on the success of the Russian and British special forces in taking the fight to nighthawks across the country, often using lethal force in order to achieve their objectives. We can happily report that after 3 months of operations, at least 289 nighthawks in the UK have been killed, with an additional 45 permanent maimings and 453 captures of these wretched individuals, although sadly the infamous Doug Knightley is still at large (though gratifyingly missing his swinging arm). However, despite the good work done by our brave boys, the government has decided to implement additional preventative measures designed to keep nighthawks away from protected sites.

DD readers may have recently read of the Russian/South Korean joint attempts by scientists to resurrect the European Cave Lion, which although was claimed to be part of a project to bring back numerous extinct species was actually part of a larger-scale plan to introduce the animal as part of an anti-nighthawking programme on the continent. The UK was originally considering becoming part of this programme, although with the Brexit seemingly inevitable the government simply formed its own initiative based on re-introducing wolves to the country which seemed more logical since they once roamed England in plentiful numbers. Before their extinction in the Medieval period, they played an important role in maintaining the environmental balance of the land, keeping herbivore populations such as deer at bay, and often serving to deter nocturnal outlaws. We believe having wolves back in Britain will restore balance to the countryside once again and also eliminate heritage crime. The humble wolf is conveniently non-extinct and (as we’ve found out) highly susceptible to genetic engineering. We sent DD correspondent Paul McCoil to a nighthawk stakeout session with the new super-animals under close observation, lead by top government scientist Dr Aryu Serius.

‘So Dr Serius, explain what’s happening here.’
‘Well Paul, its very simple. You see, we have the wolves here in their cage, and out in the field are a few of those nasty nighthawks raiding a scheduled roman villa. In a moment we will open their cage and see thee results I am hoping for.’

‘And what are those?’

‘That the nighthawks will be torn apart, obviously! Ah yes, see how the wolves are howling and clawing at their cages, this will certainly be a hunt to remember.’

Unfortunately, at this point Paul’s microphone ceased to work properly, replacing his voice with a strange distant gurgling sound occasionally punctuated by an eerie howl. However, this is of no consequence. Government statistics are already showing a marked reduction in nighthawking reports across the country and the enemy seem to be engaging in that well known tactic of our French brothers ‘being scared utterly shitless’. Despite farmer’s unions being somewhat concerned with the re-introduction of a large and vicious carnivore that has in the past been noted for slaughtering whole herds of sheep, the project has been a complete success. Each of the wolves involved in the reintroduction process has had an inhibitor chip placed into its brain, which allows it only to show aggression towards those clearly involved in illegal metal detecting as well as wild animals rather than domesticated farm-beasts.

A number of more hardline and uncompromising archaeologists have endorsed the programme, and at a recent conference questioned whether the project should not encompass action towards legitimate detectorists as well. However, their controversial comments drew significant attention and we have been reliably informed by our sources that many of these individuals have gone into hiding, their houses having been burned down in many cases by an angry mob of responsible tekkies, who covered themselves in blood and bore placards stating ‘Je ne suis pas Nighthawk’ in protest of their foolish statements. As of yet, we have not been able to track down any of these people.

The introduction of wolves back into the UK has sparked much controversy on all fronts, but we here at DD believe that it will truly help us to maintain the pressures on illegal metal detecting. Combined with the efforts currently being made by the armed forces, this can only result in the degradation of this foul practice. If you spot a nighthawk in a field near you, text 064582 for info on the location of your nearest wolf, who will be dispatched to the scene at once. We recommend small children and those of a nervous disposition stay inside while the wolf is in attendance, as the sight of blood and internal organs is a relative certainty.