Upstart detectorist delighted about finding a horseshoe.

Never was the saying “one man’s rubbish is another man’s treasure” more apparent than in the hobby of metal detecting, especially when considering cases such as that of Green horn detectorist Dianne Tanner. Dianne aged 32 from Cheltenham in Gloucestershire has only recently joined the hobby having only been on five detecting trips so far but despite her lack of experience and knowledge, is said to have become overzealous in her quest to associate the horse shoe with a major historical event and has even gone so far as to boast about the find all over social media.

To Dianne’s dismay she has been met with fierce resistance and mockery surrounding the importance of the horse shoe but despite suggestions made by other detectorists, she proceeded to contact her FLO and the local press with claims of a potentially important Horse shoe which ‘might bear some regional or perhaps even global significance’ We sent DD’s hot-shot Scottish reporter Paul McCoil to Gloucestershire to speak with Mrs.Tanner

PM:  Hi Dianne, so obviously you’re thrilled to bits with finding your first horse shoe, would you care to elaborate on what you deem so important about this item?

DT: Well Paul as we all know Cheltenham is a very historically rich area and many an important horse has galloped through here over the years from ancient times to present day. William the conqueror was known to hold several meetings in the area prior to the Norman conquest and according to a website blog I stumbled across Queen Boudicca of the Iceni tribe herself may even be buried in the area.

PM:  Sounds a little speculative to me Dianne, was the website a reliable source? You can’t go believing any old tripe you read on the internet these days.

DT: Yes I read about it in one of those online metal detecting news sources, and quite frankly you’re starting to sound like that FLO, I don’t appreciate your tone one bit. As far as I’m concerned we have every reason to believe that this Horse shoe could have belonged to Boudicca’s horse, can you prove it didn’t? We just don’t know unless these things are looked into properly, my FLO barely even glanced at the horse shoe and just shrugged it off as ‘almost certainly 20th century’ I say it’s horse manure, my second cousin is an archaeologist and we are generally quite knowledgeable of such things in my family, and it definitely looks alot older to me.

PM: If you say so Dianne, how many hammered’s have you found so far?

DT:  Well only one so far, but not too bad considering I’ve only been detecting for a few weeks, I think it could have possibly been a blacksmith’s hammer, I’ve been told it mainly consists of an iron composition and the wooden handle has since perished away.

At this point the usually unruffled reporter Paul McCoil stormed out of the interview and later defended his actions via email, the transcript of which is listed below:

Apologies for my outburst earlier but this stupid self-righteous middle-class bitch didn’t even know what a hammered coin is. Are we really that desperate that we need to run articles about folks that don’t know a jetton from a button? If you want to publish these kind of speculative bull-shit stories send someone else along, what about Justin Fields, or Phil Maholin? he gets paid double my salary and sits around on his arse doing nothing most of the time. Cheers, Paul McCoil.

The Daily Detectorist concludes that it’s perfectly normal to feel the excitement which the hobby brings to newcomers from finding that first horseshoe, button or worn Georgian coin, but we urge new detectorists to heed advice of all the experts at hand, particularly the endless amounts which can be found in metal detecting groups on Facebook.

Man pissed off at paying £20 to metal detect and not find anything.

A middle-aged man from South Yorkshire is due to appear in court following a violent incident which occurred at a metal detecting rally near Dinnington where witnesses reported a man had gone “totally fucking mental” and smashed up several cars before wheel spinning out of the field, hurling a torrent of verbal abuse and a partially eaten corned beef-salad sandwich out of his car window at organizers as he made a hasty retreat from the scene.

Mr. Doug Witherspoon, a 57-year-old semi-retired part-time car salesman from Doncaster, has tried to dispute the charges of criminal damage on grounds of diminished responsibility as he had forgotten to take his medication that day and as a result was under the false impression that by paying £20 to attend a metal detecting rally he should be 100 % guaranteed to find something noteworthy and of considerable age. We sent Mr.Witherspoon an invitation to attend an interview with Paul McCoil at DD headquarters which he graciously accepted.

PM: So Doug, would you care to give us your version of the events which occurred at the rally last week?

DW: Well basically Paul I arrived at the dig and paid the man the sum of twenty pounds to attend and felt for that kind of money I should have been entitled to find an item with a value which exceeded the entrance cost. I swung for almost four hours with only two buttons to show for my labor and slowly started to get an overwhelming sense of frustration. These feelings intensified throughout the day, normally a few puffs on my digital nicotine vaporizer would be enough to calm me down but I then realized my stupid bitch of a wife Sandra forgot to pack my medication in the lunch box and from that moment I just knew an emotional outburst was imminent. I’m deeply sorry for the damages which I inflicted to the vehicles but truly believe the club should cough up the bill as it’s their fault I got angry.

PM: That’s absurd, isn’t the whole nature of the hobby about the wheel of chance, the luck of the draw?

DW:  NO, not for twenty quid it’s not, Aren’t you listening? All I found that day was two stinking buttons, I’m sick to death of these clubs charging me top dollar to find fuck all every weekend, things are getting pretty tight at home since the used car industry went into decline. What these so-called clubs are doing is literally daylight robbery and if I don’t find something valuable at a rally soon I will almost certainly turn to night time robbery.

PM: Is that off record Mr. Witherspoon I assume you are insinuating an interest in taking up night hawking as a result of not finding much at rallies?

DW: Look I’m just saying, I pay my way and feel I should be rewarded with the goods once in a while, the fact I’m using a £60 Meplins detector should be irrelevant,  it’s a perfectly capable machine and it even says “Professional metal detector” on the box, no, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this machine and I have complete and utter faith in the old girl, and Meplins as an undisputed reputable brand known for producing good quality, affordable metal detectors of the very highest standards.

PM: Can’t say I’ve ever heard good things said about Meplins, quite the contrary in fact.

DW: I hear enough of these negative remarks at the digs, I’ll be buggered if I’ll sit here listening to you insulting me, it’s not like your shoddy Aunt Sally establishment is paying me for this.

PM: No need to get Angry Doug, it’s this kind of behavior which got you into this mess in the first place.

At this point Mr. Witherspoon lunged for Reporter Paul McCoil wielding a fountain pen and had to be restrained by Phil Maholin and Jerome Moyland who were luckily both present in the DD’s slightly dilapidated, and Contrived shared office block at the time of the interview and were able to escort him off the premises in a no-nonsense fashion which consequently terminated the interview prematurely.

To get further insight into the actions of the perpetrator we sent Anne Tickwitty to speak with a fellow detectorist and friend of Mr. Witherspoon’s who was also present at the rally.

“Who Doug? Yes, I know him, but let’s not be too hasty, I certainly wouldn’t refer to him as a friend nor even an acquaintance. If the truth is told I think the man’s neurotic and I really can’t stand the bloke, he gets on everyone’s tits on a regular basis,  he never listens to any advice and continues to keep using that cheap Meplins detector and all he ever seems to find is plough shears and coke cans. Two hoards came off the field at the rally in question and he stills blames everybody apart from himself. He’s been banned by three clubs this year due to his irrational outbursts and I would have it known publicly that I’m trying to dis-associate myself with him and his issues.

Doug Witherspoon is likely to get a hefty fine, a few hundred hours community service and maybe even a prison sentence, we promise to keep readers updated as we find out more.

 

Syrian metal detectorists loot ancient sites across the EU “England is next”

With a growing number of Syrian migrants planning to enter the UK before the Brexit referendum, the notion that a large group of Syrian detectorists are slowly detecting their way across Europe in an effort to loot sites, sell the booty, and pay their way into the UK, is probably not an alarming one. But as we discovered on Facebook this morning the group have no intention of participating in responsible, EU regulated metal detecting and even boasted of their plans to loot ancient barrows and tumuli in the UK.

The group lead by a man named Aasif Fayada Haamid have been on the move for over 2 months after fleeing the war torn town of Al-Rastan in Syria which is strategically placed along the road linking Damascus and Aleppo and was once a Roman province. They have been looting burials and ancient sites armed with metal detectors and have regularly documented their activities on social media:

“We have just detectored site of ancient graves in Turkey and Abu believes they date to the Hittite era. Today was great success with lots of bronze artefacts and bundles of old pottery making an appearance, we should be able to sell this things and provide enough euros for us to continue our journey westwards through Bulgaria, maybe here we can find the illusive Bulgarian gold and then buy ourselves direct passage to Gatwick airport. Once we arrive there finally we can dig up the Tumuli and burials which we have discovered on old English treasure map which we think was written by a king called Ordnance Survey”

We Sent Paul McCoil to speak with Ceo of Ordnance Survey ltd Nigel Clifford who has dismissed claims that his maps could be offering direct means for refugees and other would be heritage criminals to locate and plunder ancient sites of importance.

“Look Paul, What people do with our maps is not mine nor the companies responsibility, and quite frankly I’m getting fed up with people blaming us for enabling Nighthawkers to go about their rotten business. We provide vital information to people of leisure from hikers to birdwatchers all over the country and promote a healthy outdoor lifestyle packed with adventure, obviously a few less reputable folks are going to take advantage of the fact we publish historical attractions in broad detail for them to visit, but unfortunately we cannot discriminate on who we sell our maps to. Now I’m very busy and don’t really have time for these low grade news stations, so that’s all your getting.

sharing fears of hundreds of female detectorists in the UK, DD’s own Anne Tickwitty gives her own thoughts on the matter.

” It’s utterly disgusting how these animals treat and view women, can we expect them to have any more respect for our heritage or detecting laws? I bloody well doubt it. If we don’t vote out I fear the Syrian migrants will penetrate the British detecting scene and women will no longer feel safe at rallies, and who can blame them? it’s bad enough we still have a few Brits stuck in the 1950’s and haven’t grasped the concept of equal rights, only last week I was out in a field just outside Codford in Wiltshire when a guy came up to me and…..

OK thanks Anne that’s enough on that one. The Daily Detectorist fully supports opening our boarders to Syrian detectorists,  but only if they swap their traditional clothing for camouflage and adopt our culture.

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Disgruntled Swine specialists Roman lead pig horror.

 

Bishompton veterinary practice (often considered one of the top swine specialist services in Somerset) have this morning revealed their frustration and disappointment at finding out the recently discovered Roman lead ingot which is being commonly referred to as a ” pig ” has absolutely nothing in common with a pig nor any other member of the genus sus type within the suidae family of even-toed ungulates.

The mix up seems to have upset the chairman of the practice Mr Nigel Hogg, who contacted the DD office via email

‘Dear the Daily Detectorist, I am contacting you in regards to the Roman lead pig recently discovered by metal detectorist Jason Butcher. I hear the words “nationally important roman pig made of lead found in Somerset”, and suddenly I’m overwhelmed with joy and start dreaming of giant pig statues in the Museum of Somerset with me cutting the ribbon at the opening ceremony. You know i would have been the right man for the job, as my family have been leading the way on swine research in the Taunton area for over 12 generations and it’s a tad ironic that a nationally important pig artefact gets found on my doorstep, but as I now know this whole thing has nothing to do with pigs nor any other animal for that matter. From what I’ve read, I believe it to be just a lead bar stamped with some inscriptions? Please tell Phil Maholin to forget everything I suggested in my previous email apart from the section relating to my theory on the supposed she-wolf depicted with Romulus and Remus actually being a close relative of the wild boar family known locally as Amanuensis. They can still be found roaming in plentiful numbers around the untamed countryside of Maremma in Tuscany. Yours Sincerely Nigel Hogg.

We now go over to Paul Mccoil who is deciphering fact from fiction over in Somerset trying to ascertain whether the lead ingot has any connection with pigs, or whether someone is telling porkies.

‘Well, the 2ft (60cm) ingot dates from 164 AD and is inscribed with the name of emperor Marcus Aurelius. It is said to have a direct connection with the roman lead mining industry in Somerset. A number of leading Roman antiquarians believe the ingot may have been referred to as a pig due to it weighing roughly the same amount as a newborn piglet, while the DD team think it could be a watered down variant of pick, as in “pick it up”. The item (of considerable weight) would have been carried and often dropped by those bound in slavery resulting in masters whipping and shouting ” pick it up ” frequently to those that either failed or refused to carry an ingot over vast distances, we found references to such events written on old Latin manuscripts buried deep within the Daily Detectorist library one of which read: ” Servus Portandum surplantus metallum Pigrum placeo longius distantai ”

All evidence taken into account we believe the latter is the most likely and conclude the Roman lead pig does indeed have a direct connection with the swine family.

 

Man arrested for nighthawking pleads rare sleepwalking condition.

A young man from Portsmouth in Hampshire identified as 19 year old Ben Aukin has been arrested on suspicion of digging at a scheduled monument and removing metallic objects through the illegal use of a metal detector. However, the young man is protesting his innocence  on medical grounds, claiming that the ‘nighthawking’ was due to a rare sleepwalking condition, which coupled with the fact he is a detectorist makes him vulnerable to biased speculation. Despite these protestations, the unemployed Hampshire man possesses a heinously long criminal record for acts such as mugging a 71 year old lady, kicking a swan to death, indecent exposure in a Gregg’s bakery, urinating in a church and numerous other offenses. Although he has only been metal detecting about 3 months, Mr Aukin has already accumulated a vast collection of rare ancient coins and artefacts. We Sent reporter Paul Mccoil to get a statement from Mr Aukin and to try and ascertain the truth behind this wholly bizarre story.

PM: So what’s the story, Mr Aukin?
BA: I just love metal detecting and all that history stuff n that, i ain’t interested in the money, who cares what it’s worth i just like to hold things in my hand and wonder how it got there.
PM: Can we stick to the incident in question please Mr Aukin, save it for the court room you aren’t convincing anyone here. Tell us about the sleepwalking condition and the events leading to you being out at night on a protected monument.
BA: Well I obviously have that rare disorder innit , “Sleep Hawking”, which only affects metal detectorists. Whereas your normal sleep walker may just go downstairs to the fridge for a snack, piss in a wardrobe, or simply get in bed with grandma and start groping her, us detectorists with a sleepwalking disorder just go into auto pilot, grab the machine, walk out to the nearest farm field and start swinging. It’s a real hindrance and I’m currently trying to convince my doctor to give me a Valium or perhaps a morphine prescription to keep me in the house at night. I even tried to get my girlfriend to handcuff me to the bed and stop me walking out of the door, though that didn’t work as I just wrenched the bedstead off and walked out. My GP is recommending that I give up metal detecting instead, that’s never going to happen unless I get an ASBO with curfew after my most recent case, but I’m not really permitted to discuss ongoing prosecution information with you in any detail. Anyway thanks Paul, I’ve got to sign on in half hour. Laters.

According to a spokesman from Hampshire police Mr Aukin’s defense is said to be pretty much non-existent and he’s likely to serve a full term jail sentence.
” The young man in question was indeed previously known to us through a variety of different cases, though this time he was caught red handed by officers at the site of a well known Roman temple in Hampshire. Our officers set up a stake out point equipped with state of the art thermal imaging equipment, and at around 11:30 pm Mr Aukin arrived at the scene with an accomplice. When the officers moved in to arrest the suspects they both ran off at full speed with the accomplice managing to successfully flee the scene, though Mr Aukin was rugby tackled to the floor and arrested, referring to one of the arresting officers as a ‘killjoy fucking tekkie molester’ before he was subdued. Officers later raided the house of the accused, and found a vast collection of items and circled locations on OS maps that were labeled ‘prime hawking spot’ in red pen”.
All in all, this rather sad situation seems indicative of the new ways in which nighthawkers will attempt to subvert authority and get away with their hobby. DD would like to remind any thinking of trying Mr Aukin’s dastardly tactics that there is nothing so scummy as impersonating a disabled person, and that the invention of fictional sleeping disorders is no defense when trespassing on a scheduled monument.

Battlefield recovery is coming to Hastings.

Battlefield Recovery, a channel 5 world war II history series following a four-man team as they explore war zones on the Eastern Front in an effort to excavate and preserve the forgotten battle relics, is set to delve deeper into the past and set sights towards home in England where they plan to locate and dig up the site of the famous battle which took place in 1066 at Hastings.

The regularly scorned TV series Battlefield Recovery (aka called Nazi war diggers) has sparked outrage throughout the archaeological world (again) by announcing in a tweet that the next series is going to be filmed at a battle site “on British soil and took place sometime around the date of 1066 in a location somewhere in East Sussex.” Within minutes the tweet was shared and bombarded by protesting semi-educated online trainee archaeologists of sorts which all seemed to think it must be referring to the battle of Hastings and they also shared a common idea that the excavation would never be allowed to go ahead. We Sent DD’s ancient warfare correspondent Mr.Claude.A.Savage to get an unofficial statement from channel 5 producers.

‘The boys are absolutely thrilled for the opportunity to get their hands on some real ancient battle relics, and where better to kick off the new series than the site of the world famous battle of Hastings in 1066. Time Team and channel 4 failed miserably in their attempt to pin point the exact battle site location so because of that we are turning the next series into a media battle between ourselves and channel 4. It won’t be a very tough victory either considering all that nonsense Time team suggested about Harold being at Caldbec Hill  before marching  off to meet his doom at the site of that mini roundabout, they only found one axe head in the area, hardly enough evidence to presume a battle had taken place there. We are expecting the usual critics, archaeologists, local historians and other general kill joys to be against our lads and what they are doing but if i may speak frankly, we just don’t care. If a few dead guys need to be dug up to increase channel 5  viewing statistics who gives a shit?  We like shows like this because they are self funded and until someone presents some kind of legal documentation proving that the battle field recovery team are breaking any laws, we will continue to air the show and may they plunder on.’

Not surprisingly the location featured in the new series has caused some controversy and clash of opinions right across the board, as DD’s Geroffe Moyland Reports:

‘ I am not overly fond of  Battlefield recovery, i don’t believe their methods are ethical nor motives genuine. The team ravaged a ww1 site in Somme where my Grandpapa Jerome Moyland had laid for years relatively in peace until they turned up with mechanical diggers, sledgehammers and other earth shattering devices to plunder battle sites which still remain sensitive among relatives of the deceased. I’m sick to death of the English thinking  can do what they want and  have some claim to our land through their degenerate ancestry line of royalty and that we have to be eternally grateful for the British bleeding on French shores to rescue us in ww2. Despite my usual disliking of battlefield recovery, at least in the Hastings episodes the cameras will be focusing on a battle which the French won.’

At this point Geroffe stormed out of the interview muttering smugly something about the battle of Morlaix in 1342 before informing our secretary Carol he was off to a XP public demonstration where they plan to showcase the Flintmaxx coils.

DD employees appear to have mixed views on this one, Paul McCoil and Geroffe Moyland eagerly await a chance to gloat over a rare defeat of the English on their own soil, Anne Tickwitty has joined a group of associates opposing the Hastings dig, whilst Phil Maholin assures us he has his pipe and slippers ready for the new series and will be tuning in to nit-pick and send in a report shortly after he’s finished listening to his weekly session of Mythbusters on radio 4.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wolves re-introduced to rural Britain continuing in war on nighthawks.

Several months ago, DD reported on the success of the Russian and British special forces in taking the fight to nighthawks across the country, often using lethal force in order to achieve their objectives. We can happily report that after 3 months of operations, at least 289 nighthawks in the UK have been killed, with an additional 45 permanent maimings and 453 captures of these wretched individuals, although sadly the infamous Doug Knightley is still at large (though gratifyingly missing his swinging arm). However, despite the good work done by our brave boys, the government has decided to implement additional preventative measures designed to keep nighthawks away from protected sites.

DD readers may have recently read of the Russian/South Korean joint attempts by scientists to resurrect the European Cave Lion, which although was claimed to be part of a project to bring back numerous extinct species was actually part of a larger-scale plan to introduce the animal as part of an anti-nighthawking programme on the continent. The UK was originally considering becoming part of this programme, although with the Brexit seemingly inevitable the government simply formed its own initiative based on re-introducing wolves to the country which seemed more logical since they once roamed England in plentiful numbers. Before their extinction in the Medieval period, they played an important role in maintaining the environmental balance of the land, keeping herbivore populations such as deer at bay, and often serving to deter nocturnal outlaws. We believe having wolves back in Britain will restore balance to the countryside once again and also eliminate heritage crime. The humble wolf is conveniently non-extinct and (as we’ve found out) highly susceptible to genetic engineering. We sent DD correspondent Paul McCoil to a nighthawk stakeout session with the new super-animals under close observation, lead by top government scientist Dr Aryu Serius.

‘So Dr Serius, explain what’s happening here.’
‘Well Paul, its very simple. You see, we have the wolves here in their cage, and out in the field are a few of those nasty nighthawks raiding a scheduled roman villa. In a moment we will open their cage and see thee results I am hoping for.’

‘And what are those?’

‘That the nighthawks will be torn apart, obviously! Ah yes, see how the wolves are howling and clawing at their cages, this will certainly be a hunt to remember.’

Unfortunately, at this point Paul’s microphone ceased to work properly, replacing his voice with a strange distant gurgling sound occasionally punctuated by an eerie howl. However, this is of no consequence. Government statistics are already showing a marked reduction in nighthawking reports across the country and the enemy seem to be engaging in that well known tactic of our French brothers ‘being scared utterly shitless’. Despite farmer’s unions being somewhat concerned with the re-introduction of a large and vicious carnivore that has in the past been noted for slaughtering whole herds of sheep, the project has been a complete success. Each of the wolves involved in the reintroduction process has had an inhibitor chip placed into its brain, which allows it only to show aggression towards those clearly involved in illegal metal detecting as well as wild animals rather than domesticated farm-beasts.

A number of more hardline and uncompromising archaeologists have endorsed the programme, and at a recent conference questioned whether the project should not encompass action towards legitimate detectorists as well. However, their controversial comments drew significant attention and we have been reliably informed by our sources that many of these individuals have gone into hiding, their houses having been burned down in many cases by an angry mob of responsible tekkies, who covered themselves in blood and bore placards stating ‘Je ne suis pas Nighthawk’ in protest of their foolish statements. As of yet, we have not been able to track down any of these people.

The introduction of wolves back into the UK has sparked much controversy on all fronts, but we here at DD believe that it will truly help us to maintain the pressures on illegal metal detecting. Combined with the efforts currently being made by the armed forces, this can only result in the degradation of this foul practice. If you spot a nighthawk in a field near you, text 064582 for info on the location of your nearest wolf, who will be dispatched to the scene at once. We recommend small children and those of a nervous disposition stay inside while the wolf is in attendance, as the sight of blood and internal organs is a relative certainty.