Tony Chunt, the owner of ‘detektorbits’ has released a machine just in time for christmas, solely for use by women and homosexuals, DD’s Jeroffé Möyland reports.
The detector is unique in that it has been painted a bright pink colour, with a leopard-print control box cover and glitter-covered shaft included as optional attire. In addition to these aesthetic features, the machine also boasts a hidden compartment within which female detectorists can store their make-up and nail grooming kit. The machine, called the ‘Jane Allen Special MK I’, has been specially designed as to be extra light for the delicate feminine hands that will be using them. In addition, the display of the detector has been simplified, so as to prevent female detectorists from arguing with the old man about how good a signal is. The control box is automatically set to the correct settings in order to save time and prevent pointless bickering, and the LCD screen simply displays the words ‘DIG’ or ‘DON’T DIG’, a development Mr Chunt assures us will revolutionise the world of female metal detecting. A basic alarm system is also present, which can be set by spouses to alert the female user when it is time for dinner, washing, ironing, or simply a nice blowjob.
We sent overly controversial reporter Paul McCoil to interview Mr.Chunt
‘So tone, when conjuring up your latest marketing ploy, did you take into account the fact that the name ‘Jane Allen’ sounds awfully close to the long established detecting brand ‘Joan Allen?’
‘ Of course I took it into account, it’s the root of the whole operation. People will trust the Jane Allen associating it with the absolutely squeeky clean reputation of Joan Allen , Furthermore, there’s not a damned thing anyone can do about it seeing as I’ve registered the new company in some awfully deprived hovel with low paid workers to exploit somewhere in the arsehole of China. I also got fed up with seeing all these uppity female detectorists out there, so I decided to corner the market and bring out a machine specifically designed for them that is so simple even a cat could use it. I personally think there are too many women in this hobby, but if you can’t get rid of them you might as well profit from them.’
Mr Chunt cut short his interview with us after Pussy Riot, the infamous Russian feminist band notorious for their hard stance, burst into the room and accused Mr Chunt of rampant sexism as well as using cheap labour to produce his machines. Mr Chunt, encumbered somewhat by his Christmas Elf outfit that he has taken to wearing in order to brighten up his demeanour, fled the scene into a waiting car, shouting a few words in Cantonese as he sped off.
Despite all the controversies surrounding the new machine, the Jane Allen seems set to take the female and gay detecting world by storm. However, only after its release will the full story be known. DD intends to review the machine in the New Year and report on its findings post haste. The retail price of £999.99 includes a set of nail grooming tools and avon vouchers, also courtesy of Mr Chunt’s own manufacturers.