Metal detecting banned in Dorset after discovery of rare ‘Jurassic worm’.

It comes with great sorrow to the disconcerted news team at the Daily Detectorist to announce that Metal Detecting has been completely banned by all county councils and farmer’s unions in Dorset after an intense campaigning effort by the self described ‘hippie vegan social-justice-warrior wormkin’ movement ‘Justice For Worms’.

The ban, which has sparked controversy and anger among many metal detecting enthusiasts, comes after a fisherman off the Dorset coast caught a rare previously unseen species of worm in his nets over 30cm long early last week. Subsequent investigations by DEFRA, the Natural History Museum and the Environment Agency concluded that the species was previously unknown to science, and revealed that it has taken a liking to cultivated land on farm fields as well as sites of ancient human habitation in Dorset, having destroyed part of the earthworks of Maiden Castle after a particularly rampant breeding season in December. Although the worms’ damage to physical buildings has been relatively low, some predict that their activities could lead to towns like Weymouth slowly subsiding into the sea within the next decade. Several days after its identification as a new species previously unknown to science, the Jurassic Worm was designated as a protected species by all major wildlife organisations such as the RSPB and RSPCA. The new species has been named Squirmium Giganticum Jurassicum in honour of Professor B Squirmy of the worm studies department based at Exeter college Oxford, and has been designated as belonging to the genus Phoronida.

John Wriggles, leader of Justice for Worms, had this to say on the issue.

‘We had long suspected that species such as this Jurassic Worm had existed, but had no solid proof until now. This catch by a local fisherman has catapulted our dodgily funded organisation specialising in the blackballing and discrediting of all opposition using Cambodian hookers, BDSM toys and crude framing tactics to the forefront of all the UK social justice groups. We believe (and also by default believe that the worms would support us in this if they could talk) that the lot of the Jurassic Worm in Dorset is a poor one. Detectorists trotting all over the landscape digging holes, destroying vital worm habitat and wiping out whole colonies every metal detecting rally. If this goes unchecked then the consequences could be dire for the species ! Worms have rights too and if Dorset metal detectorists are so pissed off with the rightful decision that has been made then maybe they should just take their business to Hampshire or Sussex instead.’

Mr Wriggles’ remarks have caused a great deal of controversy, and indeed a number of pro-detectorist landowners who disagree with his remarks have already begun leading protests against the ban, we sent Paul McCoil to interview Mr Andrew Malcolms of the Dorset and West Artefact Finders for his perspective. When we initially turned up at his home address, we found it deserted and boarded up, but after some general inquiries found Mr Malcolms five miles away leading a crowd of glum and trudging detectorists eastwards towards the Hampshire border on what has become known as ‘the great detecting trail of tears’, some with spotted handkerchiefs knotted onto their T2s and Deuses carrying vital food supplies or spare batteries.

‘So Andrew, what’s going on here?’ ‘Well Paul I am leading my people to the promised land, There’s nothing here left for us any more, not since eight people were seriously assaulted by wildlife campaigners in the last week and everyone left in Dorset is just detecting at night to worm their way around the ban. No, Hampshire is the new place for us, and nothing will stop us in our quest for honest and fair detecting. Mind you, we will have to re-name the club the Hampshire and East Artefact Finders , but at least we will still all be together.’ Mr Malcolms broke off the interview with tears in his eyes, and we left him sobbing by the wayside, comforted by his detecting partners as hundreds of dejected Dorset detectorists shuffled past on the road eastwards, shadowed by armed members of farmer’s unions and heckled all the way by masked Justice For Worms protestors who flung rotting vegetables and brickbats. In recent hours we have heard that attempted incursions by Dorset detectorists fleeing their homeland along the borders of the county have been repulsed by violent assaults from hooded bands of Hampshire detectorists, although these reports are completely unconfirmed.

Metal detecting declared a sport for the 2016 olympic games in Rio.

According to the Association of Representative Sports Events, Metal detecting has officially been declared an Olympic sport and is due to be on the agenda at the games taking place in Rio de Janeiro later this year, foreign correspondent Jéroffe Möyland reports.

The Association of Representative Sports Events (ARSE) have taken this revolutionary step due to intense lobbying from the NCMD and FID, who for decades have been clamouring against the flagrant exception of what they view as their inherent right to compete in. Several highly skilled British detectorists have been named as potential candidates to represent Team GB in the upcoming games, with speculated athletes including Morgan Hermitage, Gerry Smith,  Andreas Fadge,and Leon Argent in the under 21’s. We sent Paul McCoil to ask detecting hotshot Andreas Fedge what he thinks about metal detecting as a competitive athletic sport and why it should be included in the games.

‘So Mr Fadge, give us your point of view.’

‘Well Paul, the fact that Metal Detecting did not exist in the 1890’s (when the Olympic games were reinstated-Ed.) is irrelevant. This is the modern day, for modern sports. I mean, if they were going to consider things like Horse Archery, Tiddlywinks, Chess and fucking Table Tennis, they can at least give the honour of allowing us to take part in a REAL physically exerting form of athletic exercise. I mean, it takes a very strong individual to swing a CTX for 8 hours straight, Hell i couldn’t do it, far more demanding than any of those bloody discus throwers and shot-putters. We metal detectorists have struggled for years for equal treatment on the front of competing in athletic sports, and I believe that 2016 will be our time to shine at the Rio games, with me as the frontman to lead Team GB to victory!’

Despite the initial impression of unity, when asked about the suitability of other prospective detecting champions, Mr Fadge threw his microphone across the room and referred to others hoping to compete as ‘a load of amateurs’, before storming out and kicking the resident DD cat. It is undecided whether the Olympics will allow teams from countries where metal detecting is completely banned (such as Bulgaria, Greece, Ireland and Cyprus) to enter the competition, although some have suggested this could be used as a method of rooting out illegal detectorists through the intervention of Interpol following on from undercover surveillance of the various events.

In more negative news surrounding inclusion of metal detecting into the games, various indigenous groups are up in arms about the suggested locations due to host the detecting events being in areas of possible Mayan habitation which hasn’t had any form of archaeological assesment. Among the disgruntled, Chief Kungchi Itchen Chitza of the Mayan peoples of Brazil organization has expressed considerable concern over the effect of awakening evil spirits from ritual metallic items buried in the ground and potential plundering of Mayan antiquities. Sadly, we are unable to show you the interview material we took of Chief Chitza, as he sadly terminated the interview and forced us to delete our recorded footage when we brought up his alleged previous convictions for peddling in illicit Brazilian antiquities. Despite this, while travelling through the countryside this morning, the fact that many of the indigenous inhabitants could be seen sharpening their spears and making placards with rude slogans targeting many of the prominent individual detectorists who are known to have expressed an interest in competing is certainly indicative of the fact that within the indigenous groups resident in the area, the inclusion of detecting as an Olympic sport is decidedly unpopular. DD has no idea as of yet as to the nature of the events or schedules that will take place in Rio, but we promise to update you when we know more.

Detektorbitz release ‘Jane Allen’ metal detector just in time for Christmas sales.

Tony Chunt, the owner of ‘detektorbits’  has released a machine  just in time for christmas, solely for use by women and homosexuals, DD’s Jeroffé Möyland reports.

The detector is unique in that it has been painted a bright pink colour, with a leopard-print control box cover and glitter-covered shaft included as optional attire. In addition to these aesthetic features, the machine also boasts a hidden compartment within which female detectorists can store their make-up and nail grooming kit. The machine, called the ‘Jane Allen Special MK I’, has been specially designed as to be extra light for the delicate feminine hands that will be using them. In addition, the display of the detector has been simplified, so as to prevent female detectorists from arguing with the old man about how good a signal is. The control box is automatically set to the correct settings in order to save time and prevent pointless bickering, and the LCD screen simply displays the words ‘DIG’ or ‘DON’T DIG’, a development Mr Chunt assures us will revolutionise the world of female metal detecting. A basic alarm system is also present, which can be set by spouses to alert the female user when it is time for dinner, washing, ironing, or simply a nice blowjob.

We sent overly controversial reporter Paul McCoil to interview Mr.Chunt

‘So tone, when conjuring up your latest marketing ploy, did you take into account the fact that the name ‘Jane Allen’ sounds awfully close to the long established detecting brand ‘Joan Allen?’

‘ Of course I took it into account, it’s the root of the whole operation. People will trust the Jane Allen associating it with the absolutely squeeky clean  reputation of Joan Allen , Furthermore, there’s not a damned thing anyone can do about it seeing as I’ve registered the new company in some awfully deprived hovel with low paid workers to exploit somewhere in the arsehole of China. I also got fed up with seeing all these uppity female detectorists out there, so I decided to corner the market and bring out a machine specifically designed for them that is so simple even a cat could use it. I personally think there are too many women in this hobby, but if you can’t get rid of them you might as well profit from them.’

Mr Chunt cut short his interview with us after Pussy Riot, the infamous Russian feminist band notorious for their hard stance, burst into the room and accused Mr Chunt of rampant sexism as well as using cheap labour to produce his machines. Mr Chunt, encumbered somewhat by his Christmas Elf outfit that he has taken to wearing in order to brighten up his demeanour, fled the scene into a waiting car, shouting a few words in Cantonese as he sped off.

Despite all the controversies surrounding the new machine, the Jane Allen seems set to take the female and gay detecting world by storm. However, only after its release will the full story be known. DD intends to review the machine in the New Year and report on its findings post haste. The retail price of £999.99 includes a set of nail grooming tools and avon vouchers, also courtesy of Mr Chunt’s own manufacturers.

 

Metal detecting Facebook Group owner shuts down group following Sikh backlash.

When Martin Lees set up the Southern Seekers Facebook group some years ago, no one had any idea what conflict raged within him. Our foreign correspondent Jeroffé Möyland, was originally intending to interview Mr Lees about the success of the group, but instead was on the receiving end of a chilling confession that is poised to shake the metal detecting world.

It has come to light that the group ‘Southern Seekers’ was never meant to exist, at least not in the form that many of the original members would feel familiar with today. Originally, Mr Lees claims that due to the high proportion of Sikh detectorists in Dorset (who maintain a low profile due to the discriminatory antics of several major clubs), the group was originally to be called ‘Southern Sikhers’, a group designed specifically for these Sikh detectorists to join so that they might come together in a place of safety. Such measures, he argued, were necessary after the submission of the weekend wonderers , Dorset Detectors and Midweek Seekers to the demands of Islamic detectorists who insisted on the use of prayer mats when taking part in club digs. According to a statement from Mr Trezpas Singh, Mr Lees made a number of secret promises to the Sikh detecting community in Dorset, including free Garret pro-pointers for all and a promotional discount of 7.5% on all Detectorbits products. Mr Trezpas Singh states that these promises were received with some trepidation, and many finally came to the belief that the repressed Sikh detecting community might just be able to step into the light without fear of attack from any of a number of detecting clubs. However, it was not to be. In his shocking revelation to us, Mr Lees explains what happened next.

‘Everything was planned. The discounts were sorted out, the celebratory curry was brewing, the beer was chilling in the fridge, and I had just finished applying some anti-fungal foot cream in anticipation of watching “Gone With the Wind”. My wife Joan was setting up the group on Facebook,  I heard her call me, saying it was ready. When I saw the group name on the laptop I recoiled in horror, she’d named the group ‘Southern Seekers’ in a fit of bad spelling. Of course I was utterly horrified, but what could I do? The group was made. Its destiny had been wrenched firmly from my grasp and from the grasp of the Sikh community.’

However, this was not the end of the story. Today, we received information that the Southern Seekers group was closing down. As of yet, we are unsure of the exact circumstances that surround this controversial decision. Some have speculated that the group was infiltrated by undercover Sikh detectorists posing as various reputable members of the detecting community through the medium of cloned Facebook accounts, although these claims are thus far unsubstantiated. We promise to bring you more on this story as soon as possible.

‘Midweek seekers metal detecting club in libel case for searching at weekends.

It has been brought to the attention of the daily detectorist and other global news sources that British metal detecting club The Midweek Seekers are currently in a high profile court battle with an inconvenienced Part time antiques dealer from Coventry over allegations of choosing a misleading club name.

The Antiques Dealer and Car boot sale merchant, Mr Marlon Tennant, reportedly sold his entire collection of crockery, vintage Bric-a-brac, ojeda, curiosities and other wares as wholesale on Ebay to fund his quest to bring the midweek seekers to justice. We sent awkward affairs officer Paul McCoil to take a statement from Mr Tennant

‘I’ve been thinking about buying a detector for quite some time now and have been looking at options for the perfect club to join before buying one, i always liked the sound of the Weekend wonderers, they seemed salt of the earth folk like myself, and i was intent on almost deciding to nearly take the step towards owning a detector and joining the weekend wonderers club, until one morning I had a very spontaneous idea to become a part time antiques dealer and trade at car boot sales. The realization hit me like a shovel to the face that with trading commitments I would not longer be able to metal detect at the weekend. I proceeded to air my concerns on the detecting groups on Facebook and was pointed towards what seemed like a miracle at the time, a club branding itself as the Midweek seekers, clearly an establishment that only runs digs during the week. To my utter disgust the next advertised dig was a two day event on a Saturday and Sunday, I decided to march down to the citizens advice bureau the following morning and was advised to seek legal aid. A court hearing took place at the Supreme Courts of Justice around two weeks later, and was packed in attendance. Justice Dredd led the session, and proceeded to grill Mr Mel Barker as to the misleading cognomen of his group. I am pleased to say that no sufficient defense could be raised, and that I received the sum of £10,000 in damages for stress and confusion caused by the incorrect and misleading naming of the club. I still haven’t brought a metal detector yet but i plan to get one after Christmas.

DD reporters could get no comment from Mel Barker, who according to witnesses fled the scene while being accosted by a number of dissatisfied club members outside the courtroom,all previously under the impression that the midweek seekers was a metal detecting club catered for people unable to attend digs at weekends.

£1.4 mil Saxon hoard planted in weekend wonderers publicity scandal.

Mr Paul Colemen, an unemployed father of two from Southampton has recently bagged a fortune in a controversial find, a Saxon coin hoard with over 5000 king Cnut silver pennies, valued at over 800 each. Found at a metal detecting rally in Buckinghamshire organised by detecting club The weekend wonderers, the hoard is said to be one of the largest of its kind ever found in England and will certainly make Mr Coleman a very rich man. We sent our rambunctious Scottish reporter Paul McCoil to take a statement from detectorists present at the time. Derek Critoff, a dear friend of Mr Colemen had this to say:

“We’re all so pleased for Paul, he really needed the money. That’s the only reason he metal detects, to get rich quick. He deserved the hoard more than others there because they’re all loaded. They don’t call it a rich mans hobby for nothing. Paul barely even made it to the rally because he didn’t have enough money for petrol. It went to the right man as far as me and many others in the hobby are concerned. “We also believe that Paul should still be entitled to claim his Job Seekers Allowance, Income Support, Child Benefit, Tax Credits, Housing Benefit and the odd stint on Employment Support Allowance for his bad back. It’s not as if metal detecting is a job, so he should be still entitled to it, good on him.”

A few hours after the hoard surfaced allegations of foul play soon cropped up and unreliable sources said it was nothing more than a publicity stunt staged by the Wonderers to gain media attention, and probably to make a few quid in the process. Well known detectorist Gerry ‘coin hunter’ Smith told DD reporter Paul Mcoil he had examined pictures posted on Facebook the day the hoard was found, and he believed that the whole thing was a complete farce.

“It’s all a load of Bullshit, that hoard was planted, I have no doubt in my mind about that. You can clearly see it in the pictures for God’s sake. It’s got nothing on my roman hoards, nothing. It’s just another example of a big club with a big cheque book and a big ego to match. I firmly believe that Peter and Sarah Welch have been purchasing King Cnut Saxon pennies with club treasury money from ebay, private auctions, boot sales, Gum tree and secret deals with nighthawking gangs over a 15 year period. No wonder they’re insistent on members emptying their rubbish into the bucket at the end of a session. The lead used to wrap the fake hoard was nothing more then melted down lumps of junk bucket lead scraps, also built up over the 15 year period, I cannot believe the cheek of it. ”

The scrupulous scrutinizers down at the DD have been over all the photographic evidence and witness reports with a fine tooth comb and can agree the accusations are highly probable, with good reason to believe so. Peter and Sarah Welch both have a history of planting finds at digs. The club treasury could certainly support such a stunt and if multiple people on Facebook say it happened, then it probably did.

‘Messy kitchen’ phenomenon being blamed on increase in female metal detectorists.

The Daily Detectorist has recently been contacted by an ever increasing number of male readers concerned by the growing problem of untidy kitchens in the homes of detectorists. Now after an in depth investigation by investigative journalists investigating the issue, this international threat to health and safety has been blamed on the sharp increase in female participation in hobbies such as metal detecting and other outdoor hobbies traditionally associated with the male of the species. Since at least the Neolithic period women have always assumed the role of maintaining the home, be it cave, mud hut or modern day brick house, the female has always excelled in the role of housekeeper, but lately things seem to have changed. For the benefit of our loyal readership we sent our aging but intrepid roving reporter Phil Maholin, himself a keen detectorist, to speak to men currently affected by the global domestic crisis reportedly being caused by female hobbyists. Detectorist Nick Argent had this to say:

‘I used to love metal detecting, but now it’s just become another chore, and as much as I love my family, I used to enjoy the time away from them on my lonesome out in the fields. Since my wife Julie started ‘tectin’ the situation’s gone from bad to worse, she even brings the kids out metal detecting these days, and our household hygiene has suffered for it. The kitchen’s in a right state with unwashed crockery, cutlery and pots everywhere, all the stuff she used to get on with while I was out in the field. In the past I would have just got a cleaner in, but with so many members of our family all needing the latest Xp Deus gadgets, I simply can’t afford it.’

Echoing these sentiments, his fellow detectorist Doug R Landup was in a positively belligerent mood: ‘Listen, I’ll stand on my well known feminist credentials in any company, and I bow to no one in my commitment to women’s equality. Equal? Let me tell you, I would even go as far as to say that I wholeheartedly believe that in many very important areas of life women are undeniably superior to men. I mean obviously you wouldn’t want one doing the map reading or trying to change a plug, but when it comes to things like cleaning stuff up and cooking and washing things I think women are brilliant, ditto finding stuff that wasn’t there when you looked, and for anything to do with babies and kid’s issues women are simply the best aren’t they, and hey, all that stuff is just too important for men to be trusted with isn’t it? Leave us to go out and do the metal detecting I say, my kitchen is in a right state because the Mrs. is always gallivanting about out in the fields somewhere. Twice already this week I’ve got home from work and there’s been no dinner on the table, and I can’t find a clean pair of socks or pants anywhere. I think a bit less detecting and a little more disinfecting is what we need from our women!”

So in the interests of balanced argument Phil went out in the field and tracked down married female detectorist Anne Tickwitty, who agreed to record an interview in which he put these points to her, and we have to report that it’s bad news for male detectorists because she made it scandalously clear that she was in no hurry to return to her duties at home. This is a verbatim transcript of Phil’s incisive interrogation.

PM: ‘So Mrs. Tickwitty…’
AT: ‘Ms.’
PM: ‘I’m sorry…?’
AT: ‘It’s Ms. Tickwitty, I disapprove of these paternalistic distinctions.’
PM: ‘Oh… erm…, sorry about that… but…er…, well anyway, what can you tell us about this growing problem of women neglecting their domestic duties to go out metal detecting?’
AT: ‘Look if I want to come out detecting I damn well will, and the old man will just have to lump it, and anyway, I think a lot of it is really just about men worrying that we’ll find more than they do because let’s face it, if these useless blokes can’t even find a clean pair of socks or pants what chance are they going to have with that Saxon hoard or Viking treasure, best leave it to the girls I think.’
PM: ‘But… but… well I don’t think that’s really… that’s…erm…you’re being a little…erm… well… I mean… OK, then tell me Mrs…’
AT: ‘Ms.’
PM: ‘Sorry, Ms. Tickwitty, answer me this then, how is a man ever supposed to find a clean pair of socks or pants if his wife hasn’t washed any for God knows how long?’
AT:‘I suppose he could always chuck some in the washing machine himself couldn’t he?’
PM: ‘But I don’t know… I mean we don’t… I mean they don’t… erm… I mean that’s not, that’s… erm… it’s really a case of…I think I… …’
At this point our somewhat ‘old school’ reporter apparently found this offhand flippancy and disrespect from a ‘lady’ so shocking he was rendered speechless, and had to abandon the interview, take the rest of the afternoon off and go for a few drinks.
“Honestly I was so angry,” he lamented later, shaking his head in near despair.
“But of course I had to maintain my professional dignity and absolute impartiality as a journalist, even while fighting the urge to put the contrary little minx over my knee. Obviously that’s her husband’s job, but these days you’d probably get arrested for it wouldn’t you? It’s political correctness gone mad and no mistake, no wonder this country’s gone to the dogs. That’s another large one over here please Pete.”

Finally, it was suggested by a few of our correspondents that we could interview some of the female journalists here at The Daily Detectorist to get an inside slant on the issue, but unfortunately there aren’t any, so up to this point The Daily Detectorist is unable to offer its male readers very much consolation, and it appears you may just have to wash your own socks and clean your own kitchens. We’re  currently taking our  clothes down to the launderette once a week and leaving it with the lady there for a service wash and picking it up later. Easy, and only seven quid.