Several months ago, DD reported on the success of the Russian and British special forces in taking the fight to nighthawks across the country, often using lethal force in order to achieve their objectives. We can happily report that after 3 months of operations, at least 289 nighthawks in the UK have been killed, with an additional 45 permanent maimings and 453 captures of these wretched individuals, although sadly the infamous Doug Knightley is still at large (though gratifyingly missing his swinging arm). However, despite the good work done by our brave boys, the government has decided to implement additional preventative measures designed to keep nighthawks away from protected sites.
DD readers may have recently read of the Russian/South Korean joint attempts by scientists to resurrect the European Cave Lion, which although was claimed to be part of a project to bring back numerous extinct species was actually part of a larger-scale plan to introduce the animal as part of an anti-nighthawking programme on the continent. The UK was originally considering becoming part of this programme, although with the Brexit seemingly inevitable the government simply formed its own initiative based on re-introducing wolves to the country which seemed more logical since they once roamed England in plentiful numbers. Before their extinction in the Medieval period, they played an important role in maintaining the environmental balance of the land, keeping herbivore populations such as deer at bay, and often serving to deter nocturnal outlaws. We believe having wolves back in Britain will restore balance to the countryside once again and also eliminate heritage crime. The humble wolf is conveniently non-extinct and (as we’ve found out) highly susceptible to genetic engineering. We sent DD correspondent Paul McCoil to a nighthawk stakeout session with the new super-animals under close observation, lead by top government scientist Dr Aryu Serius.
‘So Dr Serius, explain what’s happening here.’
‘Well Paul, its very simple. You see, we have the wolves here in their cage, and out in the field are a few of those nasty nighthawks raiding a scheduled roman villa. In a moment we will open their cage and see thee results I am hoping for.’
‘And what are those?’
‘That the nighthawks will be torn apart, obviously! Ah yes, see how the wolves are howling and clawing at their cages, this will certainly be a hunt to remember.’
Unfortunately, at this point Paul’s microphone ceased to work properly, replacing his voice with a strange distant gurgling sound occasionally punctuated by an eerie howl. However, this is of no consequence. Government statistics are already showing a marked reduction in nighthawking reports across the country and the enemy seem to be engaging in that well known tactic of our French brothers ‘being scared utterly shitless’. Despite farmer’s unions being somewhat concerned with the re-introduction of a large and vicious carnivore that has in the past been noted for slaughtering whole herds of sheep, the project has been a complete success. Each of the wolves involved in the reintroduction process has had an inhibitor chip placed into its brain, which allows it only to show aggression towards those clearly involved in illegal metal detecting as well as wild animals rather than domesticated farm-beasts.
A number of more hardline and uncompromising archaeologists have endorsed the programme, and at a recent conference questioned whether the project should not encompass action towards legitimate detectorists as well. However, their controversial comments drew significant attention and we have been reliably informed by our sources that many of these individuals have gone into hiding, their houses having been burned down in many cases by an angry mob of responsible tekkies, who covered themselves in blood and bore placards stating ‘Je ne suis pas Nighthawk’ in protest of their foolish statements. As of yet, we have not been able to track down any of these people.
The introduction of wolves back into the UK has sparked much controversy on all fronts, but we here at DD believe that it will truly help us to maintain the pressures on illegal metal detecting. Combined with the efforts currently being made by the armed forces, this can only result in the degradation of this foul practice. If you spot a nighthawk in a field near you, text 064582 for info on the location of your nearest wolf, who will be dispatched to the scene at once. We recommend small children and those of a nervous disposition stay inside while the wolf is in attendance, as the sight of blood and internal organs is a relative certainty.